When I was waiting tables, I used to have dreams about being so much in the weeds I couldn’t get to all my tables. The craziest version of this was when I was waiting tables at Chi Chi’s Mexican restaurant and was slammed, only to remember that I also was waiting tables at Red Lobster. I remember running out the door and sprinting 2 blocks to Red Lobster to find a very angry customer wondering why they hadn’t been greeted. It has been 15 years since I’ve waited tables, but I occasionally have a dream where I walk into a restaurant kitchen and wonder why I’m on the schedule for that weekend. I’m not into dream interpretation, but my guess is that it’s my subconscious still thinking that my job as comedian could go out the window and I should keep my skills sharp during REM sleep.
I’ve had different versions of comedy nightmares. Losing my voice on-stage. Not being able to get to the gig on time. The one that I have the most, though, is showing up to the gig NAKED. It isn’t often that I remember my dreams, but being at least pant-less before I go on-stage has to be Number 1 in frequency. No one else is naked, just myself. It doesn’t cause anyone to ask why I’m bare-ass, but I instantly become self-conscious, wondering why I decided to leave the house sans-pants. Last night I had this dream and for some reason felt my right ass cheek, only to discover that I had an enormous pimple on it. My rule about leaving the house bare-ass is never do it when you have a nipple on your buttocks.