Two of the most legendary figures I’ve ever worked with are John Fox and Ron Shock. A couple months back I shared some stories about John that I’m reposting below. I didn’t know Ron as well, but I loved watching him do his thing, as he could weave a comedic story like very few ever have. He told me some great stories about Bill Hicks, who he started with back in Houston. His laugh was obnoxious and warm at the same time. The comedy road isn’t rock and roll, but both of these guys lived life like it was on many levels.

I was a little reticent to repost my John Fox piece, as it’s not exactly a memorial. I decided I would because I feel like it’s a fair look at a guy who lived life the way he wanted. In the video below, John speaks to getting checkups for Cancer because it could save your life. I’m sure John could discuss his battles with substance abuse the same way. The guy was pretty indestructible for years living a Belushi or Farley type of life. What I didn’t write below was he was always respectful of my talents as a comic, which I always will appreciate.

Here is the first of the series of great videos Ron Shock has shared with his audience.

Here is how I remember Ron Shock the first time I met him.

John Fox Cancer Warning

This is what John looked like when I met him for the first time.

There is no comic with more of a sorted reputation among comics than John Fox. Fox is a standup who began his career during the beginning of the comedy boom. He appeared on the Rodney Dangerfield HBO special that included Tim Allen and Jeff Foxworthy. He also was the epitome of life on the road excess. When I started in the early 90′s, Fox was one of the biggest draws in the clubs. This was especially the case in Indianapolis where the Bob and Tom Show is based and was really taking off. Fox was one of the first comics that the show really broke in some of its earliest markets. (Heywood Banks, Pinkard and Bowden, Tim Cavanaugh, Brad Garrett, etc) In the 90′s, there were 4 full-time comedy clubs in Indy. 2 of them were owned by Chick Perrin, a classic character, himself. These were the days where the club was open Tuesday through Saturday and an MC would make 325 for the week. You would also get to go to a cool bar Perrin owned after each show and eat and drink for free. The bar is named the Old Point and it was the site of the first time I met John Fox.

Since it was on the house, you could usually count on all the comics being there after most shows, but for some reason, only myself showed up from the Broad Ripple club. I asked the bartender if any comics had come by from the Downtown club and he pointed to John Fox. Now, I’d only been doing standup a couple of years, but I had been told about Mr. Fox. I went up to him a little nervously and introduced myself. He started our conversation with this.

(Gravely voice. Think Nick Nolte in 48 Hours) I’m sure you heard a lot about me. Well, let me tell you, if half that shit was true, I would be dead. Oh and by the way, I’ve never jacked off in a comedy condo mayonnaise jar.

It’s good we cleared that up. Then he proceeded to tell me story after story about him that was as bad, if not worse. A magical night. I don’t remember much because I was drinking with John Fox, but what my liver didn’t expunge from cerebellum, I do remember these 2.

Some club he told me had shorted him some money off of his door deal, so to get back at them, he opened a package of raw chicken breasts and put them up in the heating duct of the condo. He said it took them a couple of weeks to figure out where the rancid smell was coming from. Considering that the comedians who had to stay there were the real victims, I’m not sure he really got back at them. Kind of like being the guy who burns down his neighborhood to protest something.

My favorite story he told was about doing a show at the Comedy Store in LA. Fox’s story included another infamous comic named Lenny Schultz. Now before I go any farther, let me explain Lenny Schultz. Lenny was a prop comic/human cartoon. He had to be a big influence on Andy Kaufman, Gallagher, Howie Mandel, Carrot Top, Michael Richards, etc. Since I worked with Lenny a year later, I happen to know that Lenny thought this, as he was kind of like Jerry Lee Lewis telling everybody who would listen that almost every comic stole their act from him. The guy was certifiable on-stage and pretty similar off. Probably the most interesting thing I remember about him was that he did standup and TV appearances as side job, as he kept his gig as a NYC physical education teacher the whole time. Really. The guy was a known commodity to Sinatra, Jimmy Stewart, and Henry Fonda. He was the hardest guy to follow ever according to Billy Crystal. A documentary of him would be fascinating. Since describing his act is nearly impossible, I suggest if you have the time, check out this youtube clip.

So back to the John Fox story about Lenny. It was an early week open mic nigh at the Comedy Store, so the crowd was made up mainly of standups. Now if you are unaware, other comics are the worst audience possible to do standup for because they are cynical, competitive people who don’t want to help another comic onstage by laughing. All the comics were struggling when up next on the bill was Lenny. If you didn’t watch the video above, a key element for Lenny was him saying “Do you want to see me go crazy?” and then feeding off that energy with some insane antic like throwing food at himself. Well, as you can guess, when Lenny said this that night, the comics in the back were pretty low-key in their enthusiasm for it. This is when the story becomes magical.

According to John Fox’s story to me, he said Lenny told another comic friend of his who was a little person to come up on-stage. This started to peak the audience’s interest. Now keep in mind, Lenny was a P.E. teacher and he was an early bodybuilder, so he was a strong dude. He then proceeded to pick the little guy up with one hand and hold him to his side yelling, “Now do you want to see me go crazy.” This was probably the most enthusiastic yes he ever got from a crowd, so he proceeded with his other hand to unzip the guys pants and according to the tale, try to wack off the midget. Well, Mitzi Shore (owner of the Comedy Store) runs to the door to lock it, so no chance the police would come in.

Now, I have never been told a funnier story in my life. I have no idea if it was true or not, but who would make up something this crazy? Well, maybe John Fox. If this story isn’t true, I still love the imagery. Let me add, that as good as it reads, it was twice as funny being told by John Fox. Fox has been derided by other comics his whole career because he has mainly done jokes you would hear at work. It’s an old school type of comedy. I’m not going to defend this type of standup, but I will say I’ve only heard one other person who was a better joke teller on-stage than Fox and that’s Ron White. I can remember Chick Perrin (the club owner) standing next to me in the back of the club telling me listen to this guy, he’s a master at timing. And he was.

(Interesting thing was at the Indianapolis Comedy Connection Downtown, Perrin put up a poster he had of John Fox sitting in a hot tub between 2 topless women. One time John pointed out the poster to some waitress that was working there and I mentioned my favorite part of the photo was that John had the biggest tits in it. It got me a good laugh. John then mentioned he was making 3500 and I was making 500 for the week, which wasn’t the wittiest comeback, but definitely made a financial point. Later that night, there was a torrential downpour and the ceiling had a pretty large leak hitting the stage. John brought an umbrella up onstage and did a lot of his show, holding it over his head. It was pretty hysterical. Still one of the most memorable nights of comedy in my career.)

I worked with John a few times over the next decade and it was always good because you had no restrictions on what you said in front of him. You also didn’t have to worry about stepping on anything he did, unless you did joke jokes. The only time I ever worked at the Comedy Caravan in Louisville was with him. The opener was Tom Mabe, the great telemarketing prank caller, so it was a show that slammed from beginning to end. John was always funny off-stage, when I would hang out with him. I told him in the condo we shared that week after one witty thing he said, Hey, why don’t you do that onstage? You catch a lot of flack for not changing your act, but you obviously could come up with a lot of new material? His response was my act is like the Rolling Stones. If I don’t do Satisfaction or Brown Sugar, people are going to walk out pissed. I told him I didn’t say he should dump the firemen butt-fucking or Archibald Barisol, but maybe he could skip one of his Undercover of the Night’s or Harlem Shuffle quality jokes, and instead do a new one. I didn’t think this conversation had much impact, as his next words were I need to go take a dump and walked out of the room.

So the next night he comes up to me after the first show and asked if I caught his set? I told him I didn’t because I had worked with him enough that I could do his act. (of course, not half as well, as he had mastered every inflection in his show.) Well, your loss, Scott. I changed the order around, it makes the shit seem like it’s new. It was one of the funniest and saddest comments I had ever heard. I basically told him this and he mentioned how the people were there that night to see him, not me. And he was right. I might have written 10 times as much material during my career as he has, but I have never been able to become a big draw anywhere on the level that he has. After the second show, we are out in the lobby selling merchandise and he tells me he did a couple jokes that he usually doesn’t during the show that set. I told him I thought that was great. Well, not a minute after this exchange, a guy comes up and asks why he didn’t do a certain joke? Then a couple minutes after that another comes dude tells John how great he was but mentions he was disappointed that he didn’t do another joke that he usually does. Fox looks over at me and says, You see why I don’t change my set. All my jokes are fucking Satisfaction. He made his point.

My favorite story about John Fox was the only time I performed at Snickers in Fort Wayne. I featured for him and at the time, Snickers had a rule that you had to pay them 25 bucks each show, if you mentioned from the stage you sold merchandise. I told John that I didn’t feel that great about paying the club for this honor and he said fuck ‘em, I will mention you will be selling stuff when I give my sales pitch at the end of my show. Which he did. It was a cool move on his part.

Here comes my favorite story. We are at the hotel and he calls me up on the Saturday and says what are we going to do this afternoon? Well, I had planned on reading a book and doing some writing. Not a couple of his favorite activities I gathered from his response and since he didn’t have wheels, he needed me to be his chauffeur. Now Fort Wayne is not known for all the fun things you can do while your there, but I knew they had a minor league baseball team and he said that sounded great. We get there and he grabs a beer and a hot dog (John Fox fuel) and we begin to watch. Quickly a problem arose. It was Little League day at the ballpark, so there was tons of kids surrounding us. Kids and John Fox don’t mix well. I mean the guy curses like he’s in a Martin Scorcesse film. I told him he needed to keep the Fucks down to a minimum, but he just can’t stop himself. Eventually, after continued dirty looks from parents around us (rightfully so), I told him we needed to go somewhere else because this wasn’t going to work. I then remembered I saw an Off Track Betting Parlor a short distance away when driving in and when I mentioned this he said, well why didn’t we fucking go there in the first place?

So that night, after drinking all day, John had a great first show, but by the second, he was in no shape to perform. I told him I would do 45 in the middle and then he could do a shorter set to close the show. This was a good plan, as he barely did a half an hour and it was all over the place. His remarkable timing wasn’t there, so the quality of his material was put to the test, which is not a good thing for him. No one seemed too angry, though, as seeing John Fox living up to his reputation is kind of part of the experience. Kind of like knowing there’s a good chance Axl Rose is going to hit the stage a couple hours late. Part of the chance you take when you get a ticket.

Any piece on him should end with the song the Legend of John Fox. It is a hilarious tune by my friend, Pat Godwin, and it hits many of the stories about Fox, urban legend or not. When I started there were a few characters like John Fox, but with the standup business today having way more supply than demand, it’s hard to work a lot if you get a reputation like his. On many levels that’s good, but it does take away from the stories.

I believe I have stated here before that I hate the term Comedy Condo because it’s not really a Condo. Generally it’s a 2 bedroom apartment. Now while I appreciate that you have a stove and fridge which can save you some money, I would always vote for staying in a decent hotel. Besides having to tiptoe around another comedian all week in the space you share, you are also tiptoeing around the nasty germs that comedians leave all over the place. Any 2 star hotel is going to be cleaner and have better beds, linens, and TV’s than any comedy condo I’ve stayed in.

Let me begin by saying the all-time worst condo I’ve ever stayed at was the Cuyohaga Falls (Akron, OH are) Hilarities. It was connected to the comedy club in the back and it was kind of like a bat cave. Dark and dank. Now I loved the crowds at the club, but the condo was so bad I only did it once. This was back in the late 90′s and I was younger and more willing to stay anywhere. Today I would have just booked myself at a hotel and taken a loss.

Another condo of a now defunct club outside Kansas City had the worst beds I have ever slept on. How the springs pressed through the mattress it was like napping on a bed of nails. A 10 year old futon had more cushion. It was so bad I ended up going to a Wal-Mart at midnight and buying a blow-up mattress that I could put on top of it. (And no, my blow-up doll didn’t mind sleeping on it.)

Other cities like Milwaukee and Nashville have been pretty infamous about their condos, as well. The other really memorable condo I can recall was in VIrginia. I was working with a man of questionable hygiene, which fit the condition of the place. I’m a bit of halfmo, so I actually do most of the decorating in my own home. I have watched HGTV. There are designer styles like shabby chic or early colonial. Well this place definitely had the shabby part down. With the beaten up furniture with cigarette burns so bad not even a college student would take it, I would have described this place as early colonial-crackhouse.

I’ve been waiting on telling this story for awhile because I really like the club and didn’t want the readers to automatically know which condo I was talking about. As you can guess, if I’m discussing it at Fly Over Comedy, it’s not going to be a totally pretty story.

Let me begin with saying the place the club has the comics stay is truly a condo. It’s a beautiful space with high ceilings, granite tops, and quality wood flooring. The place is located downtown on the 3rd floor of a brick building. This is where the first problem comes, though. The floor below is a techno dance club. The walls THROB until after 2 am, so you can forget about sleeping until then. Even though you have to get up early to do radio on Friday morning.

Now for the feature act this isn’t such a big deal since you don’t have to get up early and since you are probably younger, going to bed at 3 am isn’t a big deal. But what is a problem is there is no internet connection. Well, there was but that was one you needed to steal from the floor above and it only worked in the back bedroom.

So what Scott, you spend a little less time on the net and watch more TV. Well, that was difficult since there was no cable. I’m not joking. The TV only had rabbit ears set up so you got some local channels. Oh and did I mention that the TV was a 13 inch screen model? I’m not kidding. It was the size of my computer monitor back in 1997. Now this is downright cheap. You can buy a 32 inch flat screen TV for 200 bucks now.

Add to this that there was no place to park, so you had to leave your car at the club and get hauled back and forth by manager and you are looking at a pain in the ass week of lodging. Don’t get me wrong, if I didn’t like the club I would be using their name, but I want to go back so it’s being withheld. Since I was drawing so well I did speak to the owner and asked him if the place he lived was above a techno club without internet or cable? He told me that I could use the internet from the floor above. With an answer like that I’m not sure it’s going to be resolved, soon, but I hope it does, as I love performing at the club.

I know some comedy club managers/owners read this blog so here are the basics you need to provide your comics if you are going to stick them in a condo versus a hotel.

• Make sure the place is really clean. Don’t hire one of your clubs waitresses who hates comics to do it. Pick the one who fucks the comics as she will be motivated to keep the sheets clean.
• Have a decent bed.
• It doesn’t have to be 500 thread count sheets, but buy some linens that you would actually sleep on yourself.
• Have a TV which is at least 27 inches. Keep up with the technology, Mr. 2003.
• Have basic cable. You don’t have to put movie channels on it, but you should at least have ESPN, History Channel, and some news channels.
• Have wireless internet. Keep up with the technology, Mr. 2008.
• Buy a couch that doesn’t resemble something sitting on the front porch of a frat house.

If you don’t want to go to the trouble of offering these basic standards of living, put up the comics in a decent hotel.  Sorry, but providing a decent living situation is part of your bottom line. If you don’t, the better comics aren’t going to want to perform at your club because they have other options. Here is the basic way I put it to comedy club owners. Would you live there?

Lead Singer of the Madison's Charm City Rejects. They followed me at a recent event I was part of.

I had booked a corporate event in Wisconsin for this past Saturday awhile back, so I was up for finding a gig to route with it. My friend (and comic), Keith Barany, had a room a few hours away and he’d been hoping I could do it sometime. The money was fair, so I took him up on it for the Friday night. Bonus was Keith said I could bring my own feature act. Since I was doing the corporate the following night as a solo performer, it wasn’t practical to drive with someone, but I still wanted to give some comic I respected a chance to work it.

I am going to withhold the comic who ended up taking me up on the gig because I don’t want to embarrass him, but I’m still going to tell the story because that’s what I do here. So comic (name withheld) gives me a call about 45 minutes before showtime to tell me he got lost and ended up 3 hours away. Now that definitely sucked for him, as he blew a lot of gas money and lost 150 bucks to open. I will tell you though, I wasn’t hating it.

I told the client the bad news is the opening act wasn’t going to make it, but the good news was more of me!

I ended up doing the whole show and it was fun. I’ve had the opening act not show up a couple of other times in my career and all 3 times the show went great. I ended up doing almost 2 hours and it never felt like I was stretching. I just got into a lot of my older material and just kept going. I’m not trying to be Carlos Mencia doing a super long set just to show off or to feed my ego (that is what this blog is for:), but I know I can do it. The client was super happy and I left with 150 more bucks. Not a bad night. Add to it that it was in a scenic part of Northern Wisconsin and that the set-up was really cool (see video below), which made it easier to do a long set. I doubt a lot of comics could have done the whole 90 minute show since the ages varied between 16 and 74 and they were mainly small-town Midwesterners, but I know how to pull back and massage certain material to be relatable for varied ages.

Now here is where it gets very tricky for me at this site. As some of you know, I try to be really supportive of feature acts. I also try to bring the most talented comics I can who will do well with the audience, as I want to help give them opportunities. Having said that, there are plenty of times when if I did the whole 90 minutes, it would end up being a better show. Now I know that is egotistical, but I have performed I’m guessing 7 hours of material during my career, so for me to find 90 minutes of good material isn’t too hard. Let me also state, that if it was on the bill with Bill Burr or Chris Rock, not sure my best 5 minutes could compete with their worst 90 minutes. I think I’m pretty honest about my place in this business.

I know this particular blog is not going to win me too many friends, but there are plenty of one-night shows where I end up doing an hour and get 90 percent of the laughs. The best standup show has someone who opens and is funny their whole 30 minutes, only to be followed by the headliner who is just as funny for their hour. I write this to point this fact out to feature acts. I know it’s tough to open a show, but if you are bitching about not getting more work you need to think this way:

Am I as funny in my 30 as the headliner is in his best 30? You should be because it’s easier to write that first 30 than it is to add another 30 that is just that good. If you are a feature act who thinks they should be headlining, your 30 should be better than the headliners you work with best 30 minutes.

I can remember when I reached a point in my featuring career where I knew it was time to be moved up. That was when I was getting way too many “you should have been the headliner” comments.  As I’ve discussed here before, I’m very competitive, which makes me want to leave the stage every night knowing I killed. It doesn’t always work that way, as I’ve outlined here many times, but the times I can recall a feature act having a better show than me is few and far between. (If you think you are one of those feature acts that have had a show or two where you did better than me that night on the bill–you just might be. Oh and remember this—keep it to your fucking self.)

I can recall playing Go Bananas in Cincy a decade ago and doing better than the headliner every show. At the end of the week I asked the club manager if I could headline next time around and his answer was, well the headliner this week is one of our weaker acts.  I responded with could I become one of his weaker (but not as weak at this guy) acts? He said no. Last time I ever played there. Might have been a mistake, but if you end up doing better than the headliner every show that week, it’s hard to see how it’s going to be better the next time around. Not sure what kind of advice I’m giving you with this story, but I will tell you that you need to be consistently good night after night as a feature if you want to move up. It also doesn’t hurt if you can figure out a way to draw some people to the club.  The best way to move up is to be worth way more financially to the club than most other comics.

You could make a strong argument that the most successful comedy club in America is the Stardome in Birmingham. For those of you that have never been there, it’s a stadium seating style club that holds well over 400 people. They have a large food menu for a comedy club, so that is definitely part of their bottom line. They are open Tuesday through Sunday, which I don’t know of one other club in America that is in operation 6 days a week. It’s truly a unique place. It has to be the trickiest comedy club in America to book because of these 3 factors.

• It’s a huge room, with a huge stage, so standup comics without much personality don’t connect well with the audience.
• Birmingham is in the Deep South, so if you are doing a show in front of their typical crowd, they aren’t all about ironic coffee-house comedy. It’s more like Vegas where they want you to get to the joke, a little more than the typical club.
• The audiences are racially mixed, so you need to have an act that works with White and Black folks.

I’m guessing all these elements involved kick out 90% of all touring comics, as the skill set you need to succeed at the Stardome is very unique. If you have it, though, it’s a great place to work, as you are looking at big crowds for 6 straight nights. Just to give you an idea of my week, there were over 300 people there on Tuesday and Wednesday, then well over 400 people there Thursday through Saturday. As I joked on my Twitter/Facebook feed, it was like stepping back into a comedy time machine; Circa 1989. I wanted to run a comb through my mullet, put some 1 dollar unleaded fuel in the tank of my brand new Chevy Beretta and then drive off to the club pumping some Fine Young Cannibals.

I was featuring for Greg Morton, who I think is one of the best entertainers I’ve ever seen (and an even a better person). Greg is not a huge TV name, though, so a good portion of the audience were there to be at a comedy show, not to see a celebrity. I’m sure the Stardome wishes they had 30 more Greg Morton’s to book, since his act is perfect for their stage.  He does voices, characters, songs, ventriloquism. I know a lot of comics put down standups that don’t do straight monology, but not me. I think the guy is a superstar entertainer and even though not all the jokes are that intricate, the way he has put together his show is pretty remarkable. He’s just another example of what I always say about the most successful comedians. They are really bright people off-stage. While their shows are not designed for intellectuals, both Frank Caliendo and Greg Morton are 2 of the smartest people I’ve ever known in standup. I’m sure if you gave them an IQ test they would score significantly higher than many of the comics hitting the stage at the UBC Theater.  Paragraph Conclusion: Standup comedy is a big fucking tent. Don’t just judge a comic on their material. Keep in mind that it takes a lot of thought and creativity to bring some other elements to your show that makes it connect with audiences. AC/DC’s lyrics aren’t brilliant, but you put together all of the whole package and they are one of the greatest rock bands of all-time.

After the show with my friend, Greg Morton.

Now we come to my Redemption. 8 years ago I was touring a lot with the just mentioned Caliendo. When he said he was going to play the Stardome, I told him I would love to work with him there, since I knew that they are always looking for new headliners to do the non-weekend shows, since they bring in a lot of Celebrity acts for Friday and Saturday.  I thought I would show my stuff and then be in the pipeline for doing split weeks in the future. At this point I should mention that Frank was starting to trend towards doing a G-rated show. Since he was reaching the point where theaters were going to be where he performed, he knew a good way to fill them was to open it up so his younger fans could come to his show. He doesn’t need profanity to work his magic, so his show was going to be a great set-up for fathers to bring their sons to catch Madden, Adam Sandler, etc.  I can do a PG-show, but G is not something I can manage. My brain isn’t Brian Regan, well unless he had been molested as a child.

So I was forewarned that I was to be extra clean during these shows. I was only doing 25 minutes, so I figured that wouldn’t be a problem. My thoughts on that changed after the first show. The MC was a solid comic who within a couple of years was doing great on the NACA college circuit.  I didn’t think he was any type of genius, but the crowds at the Stardome loved him.  Outside of when I followed Juston McKinney at the Irvine IMPROV, it’s the only time I ever struggled following an MC. By the second night, the Stardome owner came into the green room and said he wanted to bump me down to MC.  I was starting to believe I might be having the worst week in Birmingham since Michael Jordan played for the Barons. It was the only time in my career that there had been any talk of demoting me.  Frank supported me and said it wasn’t going to happen, but I was feeling more pressure going into that next show than I had ever felt.

To demonstrate how good I was, I went out that night and sprinkled in some of my R-rated material, which did great with the crowd. I felt vindicated, as I was a defensive animal. I used my natural instincts to strike back. Big problem was that after the show Frank was as pissed at me as he has ever been.  The show had been advertised as a clean show and I had went my own way, which wasn’t what some of his fans were expecting.  No one had come there to see me, it was Frank’s show. He had every right to be really pissed since he had supported me and then I only worried about myself.  While I have continued to have a great writing relationship with him, I’ve rarely featured for him since then.  I don’t think he feels he can totally trust me, which is fair, since I went too far that night, plus despite my show being cleaner now, it is always going to be closer to PG-13, not the G-rated place Frank wants his show to be.

Overall, it was the worst week of comedy I’ve ever had. I struggle onstage and manage to piss off one of my best friends, as well.  With this said, I never even tried to go back to Birmingham.

During December and January I try to hold most of my week’s open for only corporate events. (More money-less days away from home.) Well, I ended up having one week open in January. Eric Yoder contacted me and asked if I would be interested in doing the Stardome featuring for Greg Morton. I knew Greg was a great guy, so that was a plus. I also knew I would sell merchandise really well, so I would get my money up to headliner week standards. And most importantly, I wanted to eradicate the worst week of my career off my standup comedy record.

So I ended up at the Stardome. I ended up having some really great shows and had nothing worse than a solid one.  The staff is great and Tony, the manager is my favorite type: The funny, ball-busting kind. He’s a really cool guy who does a great job running the club with the owner, Bruce Ayers. The Stardome is not a great club for all comics. For example, me 8 years ago, but my show now is a good fit. It’s a totally unique experience. The club is so large that the following night talk show host Craig Ferguson was doing 2 shows there. Bill Burr was doing a one-night engagement there the following week. They also had Earthquake playing there that month, as well. They know their market as well as anyone does in the country.

With stardome manager Tony. We were dressed so similarly that a few people complimented him on the way out of show for how funny he was. It had to be the greatest honor of his life.

So the most important thing to me from my latest appearance was I’ve wiped the slate clean on the Stardome. I pride myself on being able to make any audience ** laugh, so it was good to lessen the blow of my first time in Birmingham.

**Exception to any audience I do well with are a large group of black lesbians. See story last week for more details on this comedy kryptonite.

Daddy Makes the World Laugh

I never say I’m lucky that I have a job I love because I’ve worked hard to stay relevant in the hyper-competitive biz which is standup comedy. I have never gotten rich doing comedy, but I’ve managed to make a decent living for the past decade. I know that many of the most loyal readers of Fly Over Comedy are the same comedians who would strangle me in my sleep if it meant they would get my comedy gigs calendar. I totally understand. No need to apologize, as I know how hard it is to be working somewhere every weekend.

Having said all of this, I try to occasionally mention the real truth of being a standup comic. Let’s just say you are interested in being married. Well, if you want to meet your bills, you have to take the gig first, celebrate a birthday or holiday later. Same goes with being a Parent. My twins will be celebrating their birthday a day later, as when they turn 4 happens to fall on a Saturday. Sorry, but that’s Daddy’s big work night of the week. It’s the way things work in the Long household.  I can’t really ever consider being a Little League coach or even get to catch a Saturday game, unless I’m working in town. It’s a big trade-off, but that is the way it goes.

Take last night, Valentine’s Day.  My friend Mike Gardner asked if I wanted to do a show for him in Kokomo. I told him I was in town, but it would take a certain amount of money to buy my wife’s silence on this night. He met the price, but said I would have to do the whole show myself. Not a problem, I can do 90 minutes in my sleep, so I did the show. Had a great time. So did the audience. To try to make up for it, I took my wife and kids out on Monday night to celebrate Valentine’s Day but it’s not the same. I know it’s not totally fair, but it’s what Daddy do.

I realize I live a very selfish life on one front, as I gallivant across the country telling jokes, while half the week I’m gone from my family. I don’t feel guilty about the amount of quality time I spend with my kids, because I’m home with them more than the average Dad. I know this sounds kind of like justifying my actions, but I’m usually home from early Sunday afternoon until Thursday morning. Once again, though, it’s not quite the same as knowing Daddy will be home every night. At this point my kids know nothing else, as they are young enough to not realize it’s kind of strange that Daddy’s gone because people need to laugh. I know that day is coming though when that attitude will change. I better set-up a savings plan for the therapy bills that await for them.

During the Pre-show glow with comic Matthew Alano-Martin

Did a show at an Elks Club in Iowa last weekend. Most comics that have done a Legion or Elks Club will tell you they are great gigs because the audience sees the show as an event. Add to this that I’m from the state of Iowa and I say with no modesty, all truth, I killed the room. This was because/despite having such a bad sound system that I did my entire show without a mic. I have mentioned this before here, but if the sound is distorted, you are generally better off just projecting your ass off. By doing that you end up projecting and performing better than if you did have a mic, though some bits will suffer as they might need sound modulation.

The ride to and from the gig was good as I brought my new friend, Matthew Alano-Martin. Not only is he a funny guy, but he’s a smart dude who  lived a really interesting life before becoming a standup, as he was a traveling musician/tour manager, so the company was a bonus.  As I mentioned, the gig left me feeling like a winner…winner…chicken dinner, as I got a decent paycheck, sold a good amount of merch, and actually got a free chicken dinner, too. So I’m leaving the triumphant hero, the best comedy show many of these people had ever seen…and I end up in a fender bender driving back to my hotel.

It’s a small town that I’ve never been too. Street I was on was not illuminated well. I plant all 4 wheels at the stop sign and I think it’s a 4-way stop. It wasn’t. I go forward about 5 feet and boom, I hit a pickup truck barreling through. I smash my front bumper up pretty badly. Mother of Pearl!

Now here’s the strangest part about it. The Dodge Truck I hit showed no sign of damage because it was up high enough and I directly hit its tire. The other driver was named Tracy and he reminded me of Iowa’s version of Kenny Powers (Eastbound and Down). You know a blowhard who was looking to make anything of this opportunity. I told him of course it was my fault and I would give him all my information, but he wanted to call the cops. Not sure why they were needed, as there was nothing wrong with his truck that either us could see, but I wasn’t going to flee the accident.

The police get there and Tracy Powers proceeds to say his son in the backseat of his Pickup somehow hit the window with his face during the collision (I was going 5 mph) and that my car had scratched the rim of his tire. I just shake my head, which is basically what the cops did too. I then get a bonus 192 dollar ticket for Failure to observe traffic control device. I told the officer could he just write it up as State of Iowa piles on to my 500 dollar deductible–ticket? The cop was just doing his job and he told me he knew it was steep, but he didn’t set the price. I told him I appreciated that and told him thanks when he handed it to me, though it was about as heartfelt of a thanks as the one I give my doctor after he gives me a physical.

Without including the time and money spent taking the car to the shop to be prepared or the hike in my car insurance rates, I’m still looking at being down about 300 bucks for the night just adding the 500 dollar deductible to my 192 buck freaking ticket. At least my car was drivable, as I can remember the time my transmission went out 8 hours from my house and I had to rent a car to drive home and then drive it the 8 hours back to return the rental, then drive the 8 hours back home with my repaired car. (Phew, did you follow all of that?) In 20 years of comedy, I’ve only had one other accident on the road.  It was very early on in my career, so I was on a 16 year streak of escaping my fate. Considering the amount of miles I put on my cars, plus driving around lost a couple times a month trying to find the gig in an out of town place, I guess my track record is pretty good.

Just another night in the up and down life of a touring standup comedian. Just so you new comics know, being a standup is not just playing IMPROV’s and recording Comedy Central specials. It’s a grind, filled with peaks and valleys. Sometimes they happen within 15 minutes of each other.

Post-show Reality

During the past, this woman saw me as Deuce Bigalow--Midwest Gigolo.

I have addressed here many times how I’m on the side of commerce in standup, as I know without profit, there is just another closed venue. Having said this, sometimes promotion gets in the way of a good show that night.

Possibly the worst offense on this part is when clubs show video of their upcoming comics. Now I totally understand the promotional element that provides, but if not done right, it can damage the show you have that night. Here are the reasons.

• Let’s say you have a big name act coming up. For example, Rob Schneider is doing some comedy clubs. When the audience sees that Deuce Bigalow will be on this same stage in a few weeks, well it makes them feel kind of short-changed by only getting Scott Long this week.  I don’t really have an answer for this, as I know the club has to make people aware of the big events, but it doesn’t help the non-event shows that clubs often really make their most money on.
• The poor MC is the first person who has to follow these headliner videos. The audience at some clubs gets 5-10 minutes of standup from big-time headliners and then someone who is barely getting paid and is generally early in their comedy career has to try to make the actual audience laugh. Really tough job.  Not sure I have answer to this problem, but it definitely negatively impacts the show from the beginning.
• Some of the clips the clubs use feature the upcoming comics using dirty material. (Part 1) I have been at clubs that specifically tell the opening act (and to a certain extent the middle act) to do a clean show in front of the headliner, only to have the pre-show clips throwing out F-bombs, left and right.  Now the opening acts already have a tough enough time and have one of their arms tied behind them by being told to perform clean(er) material, so to have to follow some bigger name comic going Def Comedy Jam is a no-win situation.
• Some of the clips the clubs use feature the upcoming comics using dirty material. (Part 2) I have worked with Frank Caliendo at clubs where the show was advertised as being PG-rated, only to have really dirty material done in the pre-show clips. This is just dumb on the comedy clubs part. Many of the people who come out for a show advertised being PG, get very offended when they are bombarded before the show starts with a lot of adult language. When you go to a PG movie, you don’t expect to get R-rated previews. Common sense.

I know no one is asking for my consultant skills on how to run their club, but here is how I would use the promotional clips before the show.

15 minutes before the show, show some clips of your upcoming acts. Make sure they are short (no longer than 30 seconds per act) and that they are PG-rated.  Have that show for no longer than 5 minutes. If you want to continue to promote up until showtime, just show photos with the dates listed and credits for each performer.  You wouldn’t ask a MC to follow Harland Williams at the club, so why do you think it’s a good idea for them to directly do it through a video clip?

Just wanted to get this one off of my chest.

Listen to me spout off again...

Too many comics don’t understand the importance of lighting. The first time you hit a stage, the brightness of the light is the first thing that hits you. From that point on I believe a lot of comics see the lighting as an enemy, instead of the friend it actually is. Here’s a good example of this.

Last year I was at a club where the feature act ate it the whole weekend. Now his material wasn’t great, but what really killed him was that he stood on the side of the stage most of the time he performed. The club doesn’t have great lighting to begin with but where he stood had him practically in the dark. It was like he had JoBeth Williams’ voice in his head saying “Stay away from the Light!” (And no, this comic’s first name isn’t Carrie Ann.)

Live standup comedy is about connecting with your audience. If they can’t see your facial expressions they are missing one vital element of the experience. If they just want to hear funny jokes, they would sit at home and listen to a comedy CD.

I always watch some of my opening acts so I get a feel for what their material is like, so I don’t step on the same topics. Another reason I watch as I want to see where the best place for me to stand so my face is going lit onstage. I know that when you are the first person up that night, this is hard to do, so I would just suggest to walk around a little bit at the beginning of your set and stay in an area where the light is most uncomfortable to your eyes. That uncomfortable sensation in your eyes will mean you are in the brightest light.

If you are in a Metal band, you are going to have to risk permanent hearing loss for your art. In standup comedy, some long-term vision impairment will probably be the trade-off for baring your soul to strangers, year after year.

Did I mention the staff is another reason I love performing at the Comedy Cafe in Milwaukee.

One of the questions I get asked the most during interviews is what is my favorite city to do standup in. I always explain that the best audiences have 3 factors.

1. Reasonably smart.
2. Looking to have a good time.
3. Usually half in the bag by showtime.

Now some of this is just being funny. Hey kids, comedy in 3′s! It is true, though, that being reasonably smart is the best. Being unable to get references can get in the way of what I do. Being too smart, though, can be troublesome as those audiences want you to be clever above be funny. As I wrote in the piece yesterday, some audiences don’t seem to want to have a good time. Never ran into that in Milwaukee. Finally, having your buzz on never hurts the laughter. It takes some of the self-conscious defense away from laughing hard.  Now being too drunk is never good, but since people in Milwaukee are professional drinkers this doesn’t pose a problem for them.

During my career I’ve performed at 4 different clubs in the city. The first place I ever did is the now defunct Stooges Comedy club. It was run by a woman named Joey (later became manager of Fairview Heights Funny Bone) and the room was your classic 90′s smaller club which had a great neighborhood vibe to it.  I then moved over to Giggles in Germantown, which when it opened it rocked.  Next up is the showroom at the Potowanami Casino that is a headache for a lot of comics since it’s a free show, but I always enjoyed doing it, as I connected well and the place treats you great. (Best green room in Comedy? Could be.)

After the show with my friend Natalie in a Cafe bathroom.

Now we come to the place I currently do in Milwaukee, the Comedy Cafe.  It’s what I consider the perfect layout for a comedy club. Almost perfectly square, the stage is smaller, the lighting is good, and the audience is right on top of you.  It’s a tight room. My guess is it seats a little over than 200.  If I was to open a comedy club, this is how I would build it.  When the room is too big, that makes weekday shows seem too empty and puts lots of pressure on the clubs overhead to sell 300-400 tickets on Saturday night.

Of course, if I didn’t do well there every time, I wouldn’t list it as my favorite city. A couple weeks back, I was at the Cafe and had a great week. Ended up having bigger crowds than they have been averaging every show and then on Saturday, we did 3 shows, including the final 2 of the night being sell-outs. I was greatly helped by the radio morning show, Dave and Carole, who I really connect with. (see my radio show piece from 2 weeks back) They had me on for an hour, mentioned that I was on their best of CD from 2011 and then re-played me on Saturday during their Best of the week show.  I also did ESPN radio afternoon drive, which helped.

Often people ask who my manager is? I have never had one. I’ve spoken to a couple big Hollywood manager types, but since I have never moved to LA or NY, full-time, I didn’t see the purpose in having someone take 15 percent and then push me into having an agent who was going to take another 10 percent.  Just didn’t see how that was going to help me.  I’m starting to think that I’ve reached my pinnacle of doing it on my own now, though.  Not many more clubs can I add on my own.  It might be time for me to get someone who represents my best interests, as some markets like Milwaukee, where I draw, I need to make more money.  I’m thrilled that the club is doing well, but when you get paid like everyone else, even though you have busted your ass to build a following and have developed radio relationships that get people in the seats, you start to feel a little taken advantage of.  My guess is by next year at this time, I will have someone doing some of my bookings.  For those of you early on in the biz, there is NO reason to have a manager, unless you live on the Coasts. Unless you can draw people to the clubs or you are someone TV is interested in, it just doesn’t serve a purpose.  The only exception could be if a major act likes you and plans on having you open for them. Then maybe it would serve you well, as the major acts manager will look out for you, just because his major client has a friendship with you.

As the title of this blog denotes, I grew up in the Midwest.  Born and raised in Iowa. Lived in Chicago for a stretch after college and then moved to Indianapolis. (Super Bowl city still basking in the glow of its triumph) I’m sure this is a big reason that I like performing in cities like Milwaukee. My other Top 5 would include Detroit, St. Louis, Indy, Kansas City.  I have had great shows in places outside the Midwest like Las Vegas, Phoenix, Houston, Dallas, Baltimore, etc., but my comfort zone is the middle of the country. My favorite state is definitely Wisconsin, though. From LaCrosse, Eau Claire, Superior, Wausau, Madison, Janesville, Milwaukee, Sheboygan, Green Bay and many smaller towns in the state I’ve always had great shows.  Wisconsin narrowly beats out Michigan for my favorite state to do standup in.  Remember, reasonably smart, looking to have a good time, half in the bag by the time the show starts…

With another great Cafe staff member. Beautiful waitresses and me doing standup. Why wouldn't we be sold-out?

Posing with the staff after a SUCCESSFUL Show at Crackers in Broad Ripple.

One thing most experienced comics will tell you when it comes to a show held in a professional club on a weekend night is there’s no such thing as a bad audience. Well every once in awhile this isn’t the case. Last Friday night at Crackers is a case when I’m going to call foul on the audience.

I was in town already doing a couple things for Super Bowl week in Indy, so Crackers asked if I would feature the club. Definitely. I had worked with headliner Al Jackson before and knew he was a funny, cool dude, so all the better. Now as I’ve outlined before, being the middle act (feature) is the best spot on the bill as you hit the stage during the best part for the audience. No warming up like the MC goes through and no check drops/getting laughed out, like the headliner deals with. Cake.

Well the audience I will speak of was terrible. It was a smaller crowd, 40 to 50 people, but that is plenty of people to have a good show. Before I hit the stage I knew this wasn’t a good group, though, as a friend of mine, who is a funny comic, was MC’ing and he didn’t do well with them. Despite this, I’m egotistical (and throw-in delusional) enough to think that I will always get them on my side. Well not so easy that night. I knew this wasn’t a group where I could be experimental with, trying a lot of newer material, so I hit them hard and was selling it like my life depended on it. An occasional big laugh occurred, but most of my stuff just kind of got a perfunctory sounding guffaw.

Now most comics would in this situation just admit defeat and plow through their 30 minutes and hit the bar. I’m not saying this isn’t the proper way to handle it, by the way. I’m just so fucking competitive I just can’t stand defeat. So I turned the show on it’s head.

So how many of you are at a comedy show for the first time? (A couple people raised their hands.) Well I just want to share with you this is not the way a comedy show usually goes. You see at almost every show I’m part of there is a lot of laughter and people leave feeling like they had a great time. Now I’m not saying this is the audience’s fault tonight, but I will tell you it sure isn’t mine. I kickass night after night, so I do think you need to look inside yourselves and find out what is missing that could keep you from laughing harder at my act. Let me make sure to mention that I’m not blaming anyone individually, but as a group, you do not work well together. Now I have about 10 minutes left of my portion of the show, so let’s suck it up and do better. OK?

The rest did go better from there. It was very risky for me to go at the audience this way, but I just have no understanding why you would come to a comedy club and not want to laugh. I have seen shows where comedians just aren’t well-suited for their people they are performing for, but my current act has been designed to resonate with all ages and all races, except for…

After the show I was out in the lobby selling my merch when people started to come up to me and mention that they thought I was really funny and they were sorry the crowd wasn’t better. That is a very midwestern thing to do, if the audience isn’t great as a collective group there will be some individuals who will take it upon themselves to apologize for that. I’m that type of person, so I appreciate it when I hear it. Now I knew that a large group there that night were black females, but I usually do great with that particular demo, so I didn’t feel like that was the impetus for my having a below average show. Well that was until I saw them come out of the showroom. Upon closer inspection I realized they were all Lesbians.

Now, as I stated, I do well with pretty much all groups. I discuss my bewilderment of homophobia in my show and at least a couple times a month I have a Gay person come up to me and thank me for it. My act I believe resonates better with women than men, since I’m so honest about my personal life. Lesbians have always enjoyed my show, Black women have always enjoyed my show, but…I think Black Lesbians might be my kryptonite. Here’s my simple theory.

I’m middle-aged Whitey. I’m the Man. You know the guy who hasn’t given them one break in their life, so for me to connect with them in a comedic way is I believe pretty damned impossible. I talk in my show a lot about how my life has went off the rails from the struggles parenthood and marriage has presented me. What I was talking about in my show was like a verbal version of me trying to stick my dick in them. They had no interest.

Now I’m aware that I might have just not been their cup of Jolene, but I’m a good justifier when I want to be, so I’m sticking with my larger theory. A dozen Tracy Chapman’s aren’t going to Give Me a Good Reason to Stay onstage. When more than 25 percent of your audience is not buying in, you are going to be fighting it, unless you are playing to over 100 people. Now I know I’ve written some crazy stuff here in the past and I’m sure this is at the top end of nutty for some of you, but this is what I started this blog to do. Analyze specific shows and try to figure them out. My work is done for this one.

Here was a fan after the show who shows me the love.