Don’t Be a Douche

The most popular pieces I write for this blog are the ones where I call someone out. I withhold names, but it still is a dangerous game I’m playing. When comics get together the 2 things they always discuss is gossip about the biz and tell stories about the shit they have had to deal with it. I’ve tried to bring some of that to this site, as I see this blog as kind of like the old FOX network show, Secrets of Magic Revealed. I saw this article about the person who shot the video of Mitt Romney’s 47 percent comments. I think it was the most important element of the 2012 campaign which swung the election toward Obama. Here is what the Huffington Post said about the whole situation.

The man, who tended bar for a company that catered to a high-end clientele, had previously worked at a fundraiser at a home where Clinton spoke. After Clinton addressed guests, the man recalled, the former president came back to the kitchen and thanked the staff, the waiters, the bartenders, the busboys, and everyone else involved in putting the event together. He shook hands, took photos, signed autographs, and praised the meal — all characteristic of the former president. When the bartender learned he would be working at Romney’s fundraiser, his first thought was to bring his camera, in case he had a chance to get a photo with the presidential candidate. Romney, of course, did not speak to any of the staff, bussers or waiters. He was late to the event, and rushed out. He told his dinner guests that the event was off the record, but never bothered to repeat the admonition to the people working there. One of them had brought along a Canon camera. He set it on the bar and hit the record button. The bartender said he never planned to distribute the video. But after Romney spoke, the man said he felt he had no choice.

I bring this up here, as we could all learn from this. I know that is the case if you are a standup comic. I’m not saying I don’t have a few people in the biz who are not fans of mine. I’m guessing a couple of those are reading this right now shaking their heads because they just can’t help themselves. I am too opinionated and unlike most, I’m willing to tell a comic who is hacky or is disrespectful to the business I’m in they should get their shit together. I don’t do it often, but it does happen. The most important off-stage thing you can do is be cool to the staff. I’ve mentioned here before that they are at the club 52 weeks a year–you are there for 1 week. The staff has a lot of sway on how you are perceived. Let me give an example of how I fucked up on this front.

So I perform at this newer comedy club. The owner was talking to me about what he should do to improve things. I discussed how the behavior of the opening act, who showed up late, went past his time onstage, and was very dirty  in his material was not cool. I was pissed about these things, the owner had asked me, and I shared. I should also add that I did not have great sets that weekend, as the crowds were small and were not buying what I was selling. Well, I have never been back there again. Even though what I said was true and good advice, I have no idea if the MC wasn’t someone the owner really liked and he put a big X by my name after.  It would appear my big mouth messed this up. In this case, it would appear I overstepped my bounds.

Personal relationships with comics are important. Now let me state that no one in the business that I know wants to be around some kind of Robin Williams type who is constantly on. It wears you out. The best type of comic off-stage to hang with is funny and conversational, but not trying to work his bits out on you all the time. It really is one of the great things about being a comic. Getting a chance to hang with people who look at life with a similar skewed viewpoint. Here are a couple stories of my interaction with comics that did not turn out so well.

I was in town featuring for a comedian at my home club. I’m tight with the staff, so I feel pretty comfortable there, plus the MC was a friend, too. For the most part I like comics and I would guess 90% of the ones I’ve worked with have positive things to say about me. Well the headliner that week was a comic who had less credits than even me and wasn’t drawing anybody. He was no great shakes on-stage either, but he did do well with the audience. The first night we are in the green room before the show. He is strangely aloof and prickly. I figure it’s just a bad day. This continues for the whole week. On Saturday, the MC, who has to pick the guy up at the hotel and drive them to the show, starts talking about something. The headliner responds with now that isn’t a very positive way of looking at things. I start laughing as I offer back that is a good one considering you have brought your bad energy in this room all week. He comes back at me with what are you talking about? Maybe its I just don’t like you. My response is well I can’t argue with that. I’m glad it’s just that because otherwise you are one of the most unhappy people I’ve ever met.  He finishes up with the conversation with hey, things are good with me, you are the one with a problem.  We then went back into our corners. I told the MC I felt badly for him having to watch Mommy and Daddy fight like that. Yes, tension filled and awkward. Now I have no great wrap-up to this, but I will tell you that we both burned a bridge there. Such is life.

Earlier in my career I had one veteran comic who really was supportive and even referred me to a couple clubs. We weren’t what I call tight, but he was a guy I had a lot of respect for and was helpful to me when no one else really was. At one point he got me on the bill of a New Year’s Eve show which was paying me the most I had ever been paid up until that point. So the following year comes up and the booking agent contacts me and says the venue wants me back, wants to double my pay, but they didn’t want my comic friend back. Tough situation. If I turn it down or not, he’s still not getting the gig, so I took it. I did that gig for NYE for the next 6 years. Still wish I had that NYE gig. Now I would like to say at this point of my career and what I know, I wished I would have turned it down as support for my former friend. All I know is that at that point in my career I was too ambitious that I wasn’t going to let a moral conundrum like that get in the way of the best gig I had ever gotten. From that point on, my friendship with this great guy has been dead. I haven’t run into him since, but he’s never reached out to me since then and he hasn’t accepted my Facebook friend request, so I’m guessing I’m dead to him. I get that. I deserve that. And that is just the way this business can go. I will say that I have a clean conscience when it comes to standup, outside of this event, so I guess I’m thinking I wish I wouldn’t have taken the gig now, despite the 8 grand I made over the years from it.

I could tell a lot more examples of events in my career where I saw people not handle things the best way. I have seen it sometimes rise up and bite them in the ass, but more often, I’ve seen them continue to thrive. There is no easy answer to this issue, but I will tell you that unless you have the psychopathic ability to let go of regret and guilt, consider the Long view. Don’t Be a Douche.

Comedy at the Airport (and a Huge Surprise at the End)

Fans in the airport..10 feet from the club.

When I started comedy in the early 90′s, the most overdone topic in standup was airplanes. At the time, a lot of clubs actually flew their acts in, so comedians had a lot of experience being in the plane. Don’t be surprised that comedians have a lot of jokes about hotels, driving, and masturbation. Write what you know, right?

Well I never have written an airplane joke because I never felt I had anything new to offer on the subject. Today I kind of break that rule.

I was booked to do a weekend room in Decatur, Illinois. Since I don’t live very far from there, don’t think that I actually flew to the gig. If the gig is less than 15 hours, I’m probably driving it, as it’s cheaper and I prefer to escape the hassle of the airport. I mention the Decatur airport because the comedy club is located in the building. It’s called the Main Hangar Restaurant and it’s the busiest thing happening in the building, since Decatur Airport just provides service to Chicago and St. Louis.

The owner Chris really treats the comics well and we had sold-out shows both nights. He seems to really cultivate his regulars and is not afraid to put some of his profits back into advertising to raise more awareness. The Friday audience was great, while the Saturday audience was a challenge. Same amount of people from the same area, but as you learn in standup, you can never guess what will happen. The Saturday audience was one of those that was a little older and conservative that when they walked out told you how they had the time of their lives. You feel like saying “well how about expressing a little more of that through louder laughs during the show”, but you instead just learn to thank them and then take their money for the DVD’s they buy.

**(I sold more merch after the laid back crowd than I did for the one who acted like I was a rock star. Merch is often a better measuring stick on how much people really liked the show. That last sentence makes me think I need to see how much it would cost for me to sell measuring sticks. Hmm.)

My favorite member of the Decature audiences was a guy from Ireland who had moved to Decatur. After hearing him speak I told everyone there that my theory is that the real truth is he’s from Rockford, decided to make a new start, worked on an Irish accent to help score the chicks and has been living a lie ever since.

Here’s something to know about Scott!  If I’m in a hotel room for just a couple of days I turn down maid service. It’s fun to leave like a teenager again. What I mean by that is I have fun just throwing everything on the floor. Visualize USA Today’s, fast food wrappers, and towels just strewn across the floor. I somehow have managed in my long time in standup not to lose anything important creating this tornando. I’ve left a couple shirts and once my toiletry bag, but I’ve never forgotten my computer or cellphone. Well, this time when I get home, I start to think, “I don’t remember packing my money.” Panic sets in and I look all over my suitcase and car. This is magnified by the point that I was paid with an envelope of cash.

I figure I’m fucked at this point, but I decided to take a shot and call the hotel. I get ahold of this guy named Fred, at the front desk. I tell him that I was the comedian this week and left my money in my hotel room. (I figured it was best to come off like I was sure I knew I had left the money.) He told me he didn’t think housekeeping had gotten to my room yet, so he would go up to the room and see if he could find it. Sure you will Fred.

5 minutes later I get a call back saying he found my money. It was under a newspaper on the desk. Now let me tell you this wasn’t Jeff Dunham money, but it was a substantial roll, so I was over the moon that he reported this to me. I told him I wanted to give him a reward, but he said he couldn’t take my money, but he did want to give 20 bucks to the housekeeping staff, if that was okay? Sure! He said he would give the rest of the money to the manager and she on Monday could figure out with me the best way to get the money back to me.

So on Monday I spoke to the manager, Sandy. She told me she would send me a money order. It came a few days later and she didn’t take out any shipping or handling, just the 20 dollars to the housekeeping staff. I got a hold of Chris and told him I wanted to buy 20 dollar gift certificates to his restaurant for both Sandy and Fred, my new heroes. He said he’d do that for them and he wouldn’t accept my money. He told me he was still getting people over the past couple weeks telling him how great the shows had been the weekend I was there and he appreciated me performing at the Main Hangar.

Sometimes it seems to take some actions like these 3 people to truly understand the humanity and kindness of our fellow man. I am lucky not just for this day, but for being in a business where I have people coming up to me after each show telling me how great of time they had. I can’t think of another business where you finish your shift having people smiling on the way out and complimenting you. Not even at the Happy Ending Massage Parlor. Sorry, I meant Oriental Health Spa. I have a couple weeks coming up where I’m bumped for a bigger draw, but I’m going to try to stay positive and think about the good parts of what I do. It goes against all of my nature, as I’m not exactly Mr. Positivity, but after the actions of people like Chris, Fred, and Sandy, I’m going to try.

Deja Vu Happened Again

I promise you that this wasn’t the outfit worn by the waitress in Windom.

1 of the unique things about being on the road for 20 years is that you often drive by places that you had forgotten about or you wonder if you had been there before. If you’ve been to the Dakotas as many times as I have, the Watertown’s, Aberdeen’s, and Brookings’ can start to confuse you. The Hy-Vees and Taco John’s seem to be all in the same areas.

While driving to Sioux Falls I went through a town named Windom, Minnesota, which triggered a couple memories.

The hotel that I stayed at there is 1 of the strangest concepts ever for lodging. It’s called the Guardian Inn and as you can tell from the photo below, your room includes your own garage. Now the weather can be pretty brutal during the long winters of Windom, so I do understand why someone might want a garage when staying overnight, but I still can’t see it being a good idea for 12 months. This might be why there are only 2 of them. (Web-research shows there is another Guardian Inn in LeCenter, MN. Make your travel plans accordingly.)

Well I’m sure it seemed like a good idea.

So I see this garage/motel and it triggers my memory about the show the one night I performed in Windom. Now my guess is this was over 10 years ago, but occasionally you have someone who stands out which helps bring you back.

The show took place in a dumpy bar in Windom. My best recollection was that it had some type of plywood stage. Glamorous, right? Well, I’m doing the show and somewhere in the middle I start being heckled. No problem. In a room like this, you kind of expect it and I’m pretty fucking good at being the ringleader for the Circus. What made this heckler out of the ordinary was he had …wait for it…a voice-box.

Yes, an actual voice-box. You know like the one’s you hear people use in those infomercials to stop smoking. The voice-box that seemingly every hack comic from the 80′s and 90′s replicated in some bit by putting the mic up to their throat and mimicking. Well this guy was the real deal. I promise you that you have never really been heckled until you have a voice-box guy comment on your material. I can’t remember how I handled it, but I will tell you I destroyed that dump. Huge laughter. For 1 night those people in Windom laughed as hard as anyone else did on the planet on that specific date.

I know that sounds like hyperbole, but every once in awhile you have some foreign element thrown into a live show and if the comic can handle it with grace and wit, there is no prepared material that can top it. I’ve had a few of those nights.

As I’ve stated many times, my meaning of life is WHO LEAVES WITH THE BEST STORIES WINS! Unless you’ve done a comedy show in dive bar being heckled by a guy with a voice-box and then celebrated it by having a whole town buy you shots only to have the owner drive your car into a garage connected to your motel room…well, that my friends is 1 of those nights you realize you did your own version of walking on the moon.

Get Comedy Fundraiser Tickets for Hamilton County Special Olympics/Autism Society of Indiana

With tickets going quickly, wanted to give people a chance to purchase tickets for my comedy show at Pinheads in Fishers for these 2 great charities. Charity proceeds will be split between the 2 charities. Showtime is 8pm and your name will be on a list of people who have already purchased tickets when you check in at the door.

Click here to purchase your 15 dollar tickets. Sorry, but no refunds.

NOTE: You can only purchase 1 ticket online at a time, so you have to start over each time if you want to buy 2 or more tickets. Thanks.

Opening acts are Jeffrey Lewis, Ryan Shipley and Jeremy Brown. They are 3 of Indy’s finest.

Father of the Year

The 2 people you see above are celebrating their birthday today. Guess who won’t be there? The guy writing this. You see Daddy doesn’t get paid unless he is doing standup and 45 weeks a year that means he is gone on the weekend. Up until now, we could make sure March 24th was whatever day we wanted to make it, but at 5, you can’t do that anymore.

Since I’m one of the few married comics with kids, I often get “that must be tough.” It is. I need to provide for my family, but I chose a profession where I am gone a lot. I did this job for over a decade before I ever had a child, so by the time I had to reconsider my job, I was in my 30′s and wondered what else could I even do? It seemed kind of late to start over, besides, I knew I would be unhappy if I quit.

I mention this because if you want to make it big in standup comedy, you should not have kids–unless you are 1 of the very few who have made it so big that you can do a weekend or 2 a month. This is a job where the more single-minded focus, the better chance you have to succeed. It is a profession filled with emotionally stunted Peter Pans.

I have turned down potential opportunities because I wasn’t willing to move to LA to try to make them happen and throw my families life into upheaval. I don’t have any major regrets about this because my main focus is not Working in TV. my focus has been to be a comedian.

When it comes to my work decisions my rule has been I need to make enough money to have me leave the house. I love my job most of the time, but it is also a business. You could argue that I have been short-sighted by not chasing bigger dreams that could pay off bigger in the end, but I am not willing to risk much on a lottery ticket.

Let me be clear that I don’t regret for a second having my children. They have made such a big impact on my life helping me live a much fuller life. Cliche as it sounds, I am a much better man because of them.

That last sentence seems a little hollow, though, as I sit here In my hotel room just outside of Vegas on my 5 year-old twins birthday. I feel like shit about it. I wonder what psychic wounds it is going to leave my kids. (Cue: Cats in the Cradle) I promise you next year I will be home, even if it means I don’t work that week—well unless I get an offer I can’t refuse. This is my life. I am selfish, but I hang onto the fact I am trying to make this work the best I can. I am in a business not known for all the great Fathers it has produced. I’m trying to be an exception to this rule. This week I failed.

My girl Mallory made this for me to bring on my trip. I know, right?

The Most Interesting TV Standup Set of All-Time

Kings of Comedy, Meet the Emperor’s New Clothes of Comedy, Rob Delaney.

I have written a few pieces here where I’ve taken a dump on comedians, but I have always withheld their names because I didn’t feel it was fair to out them because it was just my opinion. I started this blog as much to recognize that there are talented people in standup that don’t live on the coasts. (Get it, Fly Over Comedy.)

So today I’m going to break from this rule. I know it isn’t a really smart thing for me to do, as Rob Delaney is someone who has major representation and has power through all his social media followers. I became initially aware of him as he’s consistently covered as someone who has made a career from Twitter. I try to stay on top of trends in my biz, so I checked out his tweets. They were perfect for gaining twitter followers: extremely snarky, without much intelligence. Now I’m not going to claim that I haven’t produced some tweets that you could say the same for, but I had no interest in following the guy, as what he does isn’t what I want to add to my life. Despite not having a ton of respect for his talents, my hat was off to the guy for being able to find some fame through his own creativity. I feel I have a lot of creativity and fame isn’t part of my resume.

My attitude started to become a lot more negative when I heard he was headlining comedy clubs. With his massive twitter following, I can see why a club would be interested in bringing him in, but from what I heard from a couple comic friends, he was terrible on-stage. This is when I start to get angry. I have been in this biz for a long time and I always worry about some flavor of the month bringing people to the club for the first time and then proceeding to be so awful that these people believe most standup is like it.

Recently on Facebook, I noticed comic Kristen Toomey had shared some thoughts from another comic, Drew Michael about Delaney. Drew had posted this review and a link to Delaney’s set from the Jimmy Kimmel Show.

“Everyone is missing the point. Rob Delaney is famous from Twitter. He has 700K Twitter followers, so he thinks he can do stand-up. And everyone lets him because he’s “famous.” He runs around L.A. and does all the shows. Everyone acts like he’s important. He sells out clubs and theaters on the road and comics play along because maybe they’ll open for him one day! It’s a farce to a terrifying degree. This video, however, exposes him. Or rather, it exposes the mechanisms that allow him to rise to any level. And it’s being hidden and deleted by him (or his team), which is hilarious. It’s an insult to everyone who actually does (or cares about) live comedy.”- Drew Michael

So here was my chance to see what this whole Delaney thing was about. I would prefer you to watch a make your own decision before you get my opinion.

http://edgecast.metatube-files.buscafs.com/uploads/videos/flv/video_172571.mp4

(Edgecast link is here in case youtube clip gets pulled.)

I’m guessing you have already made up your mind now.

If you were able to get through half of it, you are a fucking daredevil. If I include all the sets I’ve ever seen, this would be in the top 5 bad ones…and that includes all open mics. What Drew Michael wrote is totally on the money.

Note about this set. You can’t find it practically anywhere because…

So I ended up putting my thoughts on Kristen Toomey FB post. Here are a few. I’m using them the way I did there as a homage to Rob Delaney…you know…snarky, short bursts of social media.

I made it almost halfway through. Do I get a prize?

I am all for Mr Twitter being on Kimmel, but they should have set up a NBA shot clock type system, where a buzzer would have gone off when he reached his 140 character limit.

(In response to someone saying it was like a standup from 1995) I did comedy back in 1995. There was a lot of bad comedy back then, just like now, but I would historically put Delaney’s comedy somewhere in the 2007 time period. It’s Dane Cook, without the jokes and stage presence. Many frat guys were hitting the open mic doing this type of act in 2007.

(In response to someone posting we should stay positive about other performers) I generally agree with the positivity toward others thing, but when someone like this snarky douche gets big opportunities, it is important to have him exposed. This way he doesn’t take work from actual professional comics and just as importantly damage comedy clubs as we don’t need someone coming out to see this abomination and think that is what usually happens at a comedy club. Expose this fucker. He’s gotten way too much fame off of snarky tweets and looking like the singer from Train’s younger brother.

(In response to how you have to sell-0ut to make it in this biz) Very few people are able to do standup for a living. When some flavor of the month comes on the scene and is all marketing and no ability, they need to be exposed. Just like when some comic steals other people’s material.

(In response to someone’s advice to me “you never know where someone you meet or know is going to be in 3 months in this business. So treat everyone with dignity and respect.”)  I’ve burned very few bridges. but when someone like this gets opportunities and is this bad (btw, I have heard from a few clubs Delaney has been terrible) I believe he needs to be exposed. It’s a little different than movies where 1 bad actor doesn’t have to totally wreck a movie. If you go to a club and see a headliner who is as unprepared as this dude, well it is all-consuming. See a bad movie and no one is going to come out saying “I will never see a movie again.” That is not the attitude with standup for some. I do agree with how important marketing is, but that is why it is even more important to expose the truth of someone who is as bad as Delaney. I appreciate his marketing flash. He also writes a lot of stuff on twitter that obviously a lot of people like. Great. Find some way to monetize that, but stay the fuck off stage.

Don’t really have much more to add. I think my views are pretty clear. I don’t relish slamming someone doing standup, as I know how hard it is to be a success at it. Rob Delaney on the fame level is way higher than me. I want to assert that my disdain for him isn’t because I am a bitter old comic and I can’t accept some newbie coming in and rising quickly. A great example of how that isn’t the case is I was at the Laughfest Comedy Fest last week and I saw for the first time a young dude named Mike E. Winfield. He was spectacular. Like watching a young Cosby, but with Chapelle influences. Blew me away. I love when I see that. It makes me remember again why it can be the ultimate entertainment art form. I love standup and appreciate how it has given me a long-career. It makes me ill when I see someone like Rob Delaney get big opportunities when he would be dismal at an open mike. This is why I wrote this today.

To close this piece, let me highlight the funniest person I read on Twitter, Tom Simmons. I should mention I have never met Tom before, but I’ve never met any comic who doesn’t have huge respect for him. He’s smart, he’s funny, he headlines major clubs, but he’s not a household name. My guess this has something to do with him being based in Atlanta. Another reason for you to keep in mind, there is no rule that says you can’t be a great comic and not live in LA or NY. I asked Tom if I could share his hilarious twitter breakdown of Rob Delaney’s set. Here we go.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

I am watching this #robdelaney comedy set on @JimmyKimmelLive. He is a rising star in comedy.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

How are you? Nice warm opening. Sharp suit. Although opening with a question isn’t stellar. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

How are u? Followed by did u have a good day? This guy cares about me. #robdelaneyroast. Oh never mind, he didn’t care. He had a good day.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

I am at “I’m not just a taco guy”. Is he trying not to be funny? He is doing that very well. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

Where r the punchlines? This set had to work when he ran it, when it was approved- or at least got 6 retweets.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

I am confident he will turn it around from here. @jimmykimmellive said he was hilarious a minute thirteen ago. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

His transitions are terrible. I feel like this is the comic @AndyKindler has been making fun of for 16 years. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

It’s not a normal sun but a pepperoni pizza. 2 minutes in and he has eaten 8 tacos, 2 pizzas, and at comedy on national TV. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

He surely turns it around soon. Maybe he reads some hilarious tweets after he finishes his pizza. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

This is the worst set I’ve seen on TV since The Situation on the Trump roast. #robdelaneyroast but he is not cracking. Ups for that.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

Got a nice laugh at speed balls not as dangerous as chocolate and cheese. Must be a hot crowd. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

The fact that he eats so much peanut butter explains why there are no punchlines stuck to the roof of his mouth. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

He vomited all over, in front of old men playing dominoes. That’s nothing compared to what you just did to standup comedy. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

Now he’s in the bathroom hiding from his family…. And his comedy writing notebook. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

His 2 year old comes in to the bathroom. #robdelaneyroast oh good a nice touching family moment that makes me like him is coming.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

Nope, he calls his 2 year old and simpleton. #robdelaneyroast even a toddler knows it goes setup Punchline. At least write a shit joke.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

Kid hands him an onion, it’s cute. Then he insults his son again and they share an onion on the toilet. I think I just puked on my dominoes

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

2 yr old brings him am onion, it’s very sweet- you can tell how much he doesn’t love his son. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

Gotta give him credit for that close- he really made me not like him even more. #robdelaneyroast genius if that what he was going for.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 2h

Wow. Incredible set. Follow @robdelaney on twitter- he is apparently extremely funny to read.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 1h

That @JimmyKimmelLive audience should win some sort of Emmy for acting like they didn’t want to boo. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 1h

So many food jokes for a guy who looks fit. Is he a graduate of that Louie Anderson standup class? #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 1h

1000′s of people watched that set and said, “I am funnier than that.” And got into comedy. Sad part is, no you are not.

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 1h

This sets a new record- shattering Chapelle’s marathon set- in how long it felt like it lasted. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 59m

I have so far purposely not written a crying onion joke because I assume no one else made it that far in watching. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 57m

The wave goodbye was the most professional part of his set. He should start opening with that. #robdelaneyroast

Tom Simmons ‏@TSimmonsComedy 50m

This guy is almost all performance. Tricks me with the incredible act outs into not recognizing the no punchlines. #robdelaneyroast

Now Tom Simmons is the guy who should have a million twitter followers.

Heckler 101

Above all, in standup it’s vital to keep your dignity.

The number 1 question I get from newbie open mikers is how do you handle hecklers? That is a tough question. Let me go over a few angles on the subject.

There is definitely a segment of the audience who is hoping for heckler. It’s kind of like that secret desire that NASCAR fans have that there will be a crash. Be careful, though, as you never know what type of burning fuselage might be coming your way during the crash. When the heckler loses control, there is no way to know what will happen after that. (I’m done with the race car analogies. Continue on.)

Don’t think that comics aren’t complicit in this, though. Lazy comics who pick on someone in the front row all the time help perpetuate the heckler. This creates an atmosphere where the only people who want to sit up front are hecklers. By going after an innocent bystander, the comic is opening up the give and take between audience member and the stage. I try hard not to take a shot at anyone in the audience, as I didn’t come there to have a debate–I came there to give a funny speech. Sometimes, though, if a person is dressed like a peacock or gives you the stink eye for a long time, I can’t hold back. That seems like a fair business agreement to me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you can’t ask the audience questions. I think improvisation with the crowd is great to liven up things from just being a recitation of your material. As long as you make sure they aren’t the focus of the joke and instead just a conversational component, very few audience members are going to throw some heckle comment your way in response.

Here is a truth you might not know about the standup biz. Most comics aren’t very good at dealing with hecklers. If your act consists of being quirky, neurotic, ironic, (or god-forbid–all three), even if you are capable of trading blows with a heckler, you will then be taken out of your element for awhile, if not for the rest of the show.

Another sports analogy. Some basketball teams will put on a full-court press, not to cause the offense to turn over the ball, but instead to force their opponent to get out of their natural rhythm. Hecklers are basically the full-court press of standup comedy.

There are some comics who are good with hecklers. These are generally people from the East Coast or the South Side of Chicago, who grew up in a busting balls world. I grew up about as far away as possible from that, in a small-town in Iowa, but if you have an abusive Father constantly coming at you–your defense mechanisms become finely tuned to the point where your survival instinct is to lash out. Not great for most professions, but a beneficial trait in a standup comic.

I did a show recently where the feature act was getting heckled pretty strongly. It was a strange type of hecking, though. It was basically coming from 2 behemoths who looked like they were rejects from Duck Dynasty. The club manager didn’t know exactly what to do, as it was a tough situation because even though she was being heckled, the heckling was not mean-spirited, more drunken enthusiasm. He asked me my opinion and I told him that there was no energy at all from the rest of the room, so even though these guys were disruptive, they were providing something for the feature act to play off of, which was the only thing that was really working with this group.

Now I know many of you would say that it would be better to have a dead room, then leave someone there who was getting in the way of the comedian’s act. I guess I would say that just depends on the situation. In this situation it was a small, dead audience who by the time these dudes would have been kicked out, the feature act would have struggled to survive it. Instead, my opinion was to leave the disturbance there and use it as a learning experience.

My current show was not designed for audience interference. Because of the way the show was going, I knew that I would not be doing my current show that night, instead I needed to go right at them and not worry about longer stories. I would like to tell you that this is a unique situation, but even shows that don’t have hecklers have audiences that are not looking to hear some diatribe about your inner-most thoughts. It’s important to know how far you can go with your creativity onstage. You don’t have to be hacky or patronizing to create a show that connects on some levels with the majority of your audience. You can try to thread the needle and create your own audience, but it’s my belief that just getting steady standup work is nearly impossible, without adding that to it.

I spent at least 5 minutes discussing everything about what was going on in the club before I ever really got into my material. This did not shut the hecklers up, but it gave them an idea that I was in fucking charge. That is another reason why a lot of comedians don’t do well with hecklers. Like the school bully, the heckler can sense your fear and trepidation and they will pounce on it. If you are unable to demonstrate you are not to be fucked with, you will be fighting uphill the whole time.

Now I know a lot of you read that and think well that isn’t fair. I mean you got into comedy to share your witty insights, not be a substitute teacher, right? I get that, but I’m just telling you that a few times a year you are going to face the demon in the dimmed lights.   As I mentioned, during my childhood it was like I grew up in a laboratory designed to help me come back at bigger, stronger lunatics. (See my Father) I’m good at taking them down. Not all of these shows are the artistic masterpieces I had planned them to be, but it’s a skill that keeps me from having bad shows.

I know no one in the biz who knows the history of standup better than my buddy Al Canal. You name a Funny Bone, he has probably managed it at one time over the past 25 years. Al nicknamed me the human paper shredder because of the way I take down hecklers. It is still one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever been given. 

I wish I had better advice for you if you are not someone who can handle some disturbances during your show. All I can say is there are many things that make up a working standup comic. While you might not have to be as razor sharp as Nick DiPaolo or Jimmy Pardo, you do need to be able to keep control of the room when the heckler surfaces. You need to be confident and demonstrate they don’t have you flustered. Slowing down and smiling some will buy you some time, while you come up with your response/plan of defense. For me my system of aggressive/passiveness works well. Rip them, then compliment them, telling them they didn’t deserve it. That’s my method, figure out your own:)

So what was the rest of the show like that night, Scott? Well, it was one where the Duck Dynasty brothers kept in with their efforts and I would respond back. It worked well. Towards the end, as they became even more inebriated, their offerings started to hit right in the middle of my jokes. Finally the 1 insult I will not accept was sent my way. A slurred comment that happened right in the middle of my punchline. I snapped. Told the guy his time as co-host was fucking over. This 300 pound Kyle Kinane look-alike, apologized and told me he was going to step out for awhile because he couldn’t control himself. (You see, this guy didn’t come from malice, more from Wild Turkey and poor parenting.) His buddy joined him outside the doors at the bar.

Towards the end of the show the main defendant came back in the room and announced that he and his buddy were being kicked out because “the club doesn’t want people who like to laugh and have a good time at their shows.” He then offered up to me before he walked out, “but Dude, you are hilarious. Keep doing what you are doing.” Then he walked out. It was the greatest walkout of my career. As a comedian it moved me more than the walkout scene at the end of an Officer and a Gentlemen. Everyone who was at that show will never forget it. Remember. The meaning of life is who leaves with the best stories–wins. Put another in my victory column.

Careful Contemplation are 2 Vital C Words: The Onion Controversy

2 very funny and sexy people in their 40′s. Lynn Koplitz and your favorite standup blogger.

Let me begin with a Fact that I feel I must share when I write a piece like this. My main influences in standup were George Carlin, Bill Hicks, and Sam Kinsison. When I started doing standup my act had bits about race, religion, and abortion.  It wasn’t exactly a perfect show for being a good MC, but I figured out how to stay within the boundaries of what I was told to do and still received opportunities.

Now I get into the part that isn’t going to be popular with a lot of my readers. The Onion fucked up with their tweet calling a 9 year old girl a cunt. They know it too, which is why they quickly put up a strong apology for it.

I believe you can hit any subject and make it funny, but the more controversial, the more work you have to put in on the joke. Now the Onion is a big money making enterprise. They have corporate sponsors. Just like I said about Gilbert Gottfried’s tweet about Tsunami victims, when you get in bed with corporate sponsors you lose some of your freedom of speech. (this was another unpopular view with many of my comedy friends, as well.)

Pure freedom of speech doesn’t exist in the comedy world. Even at a alternative coffee shop-type of open mic, if you start making jokes they find racist, you have a chance of getting told not to come back. You could tell the same jokes at a redneck bar and get big laughs, but if you start touting the great successes of the Obama Presidency that could be your last time at that place. I totally believe you need to push the audience out of their comfort zone, but you have to measure how far that can go before you end up wrecking the gig for everyone else.

MC’s have to work under different rules than closers do at comedy clubs. This doesn’t mean that most headliners have free reign. Unless you are drawing your audience (see making the venue a bundle of money), you have a tightrope to follow.

Let me use the C word as an example for this. I have played full-time comedy clubs that have it written in the contract that you can’t use that word. I remember talking to a booking agent who told me he lost a weekend room because a comic (who ended up doing well on Last Comic Standing the following year) went off on some female heckler and called her a cunt a few times. This booker was no prude, as he was supportive of a lot of edgy acts, for example he consistently booked Doug Stanhope early in his career. But he was pissed about this because this comic’s action took down a room, not only because he lost 7500 bucks in yearly commisions, but also costing other acts 52 weeks of gigs.

I’m sure the Onion has used cunt in the past for good comedic effect, but when you use it in context of a well-loved 9 year-old African American girl, hard to get many on board. Sure you win major points for the people who love to see someone say something shocking, but I think it is hard to see it as any work of art.

It has killed me, but I have waited a long time in this piece to extol the virtues of my talents. Can’t wait any longer. I have tried to do jokes about every subject to Challenge myself and the audience. I’m adding in something I wrote last year about my experience with the C word. I had a lot of comics tell me they learned a couple things from it, so thought it was relevant.

FROM May 25, 2012 piece, The New C Word

I believe pretty much any word or subject can be made funny to almost anyone with an open mind. Having said that, saying stuff to be shocking for shock sake rarely works and is generally lazy writing. I did a show recently, where the venue let an open-mike comic who had won a contest recently, get up in front of me. He tried to do a lot of shocking material and even used the word Nigger in a bit, which did nothing for the comic except make the audience uneasy.

I discussed the topic with him afterwards. It first should be mentioned that this young comic was very liberal politically and meant nothing racist about the bit he was trying to do. The problem was that he wasn’t good enough to make the joke he was trying to do funny. I explained that when you start out as a standup it’s important for your future stage time opportunities to not do any stuff that is really offensive in tone. As someone whose favorite comics were Carlin, Hicks, etc. this was hard for me to follow at the beginning, but I had enough sense to realize that I needed to dance the edge between edgy and offensive, if I wanted a chance to keep getting onstage.. Remember that Carlin started off doing standup as a comedy team and then progressed over into doing silly characters with some edge, like the hippy dippy weather man. Hicks didn’t start off discussing his hatred of the first gulf war. Not even Doug Stanhope began as standup trying to walk the average crowd member right from the start.

Even when you reach the point of feature act, you have a hard time being very edgy and getting work because as I have outlined before, headliners don’t want to generally follow someone with an act like that. Even when you reach the headliner spot, if you are not a big draw act, you need to watch what you say. I have been told by clubs that certain words are not to be said, with Cunt top of the list. I have always agreed with that one, because I have never seen a comic in my career say that word and not set themselves back. I heard jokes about rape, incest, religion, murder, etc. which have gotten good laughs, but the word Cunt has always been the exception. Until now!

So I’ve been working on a bit about how I hate when people tell a parent like myself who has a child with special needs that “God only gives you what you can handle.” Watch the clip below and see how I have found a way to make this work in the most unlikely way.

• So I take an idea that already makes people feel uncomfortable…calling bullshit on the idea that God only gives you what you can handle. Then I mention how God’s results are far from infallible on this subject.
• Next I bring up the most hated person in America…Casey Anthony.
• From there I discuss how I go up to women and use the word cunt.

30 seconds into this bit the audience is feeling really uncomfortable and some are angry because of my discussing of the worst person in their world. Within in 20 seconds, they have went from this place to laughter and applause. And most of both of those reactions were done by women. It was a visceral reaction created from having to deal with stuff they didn’t want to have to deal with at a comedy show. 1) God’s infallibility. 2) Casey Anthony. 3) The word cunt.  What brought a bigger laugh was I hit a total release valve of this tension. This is my favorite type of standup.

I know this piece is totally self-congratulatory. It should be. I worked hard to make something work on a level that I didn’t think could be done, but through some strange cosmic math equation, the only way it could work was to combine these extremely difficult elements.

Now could have I gotten the timing and exact wording right to make it work earlier in my career. Doubtful. This was something that worked because I know how to deliver stuff in a way that will work.

Oh I should mention I have only done this joke a handful of times since I wrote it 2 months ago. The problem I have with it is that the word Cunt is such a red flag in most comedy clubs that I’m concerned to say it, even though I have had no one say they were offended by its use after the show. I need to work every week to meet my family’s bills and I don’t want to give any venue any excuse to not book me, just because I said a word that is on their no-fly list. It’s just the facts. Look, very few big-time headliners read this blog because they are busy buying Bentleys and getting blown by Charlie Sheen-level escorts. What I write here should be good advice for almost everyone who reads this piece.  I know it seems a little contradictory as I mentioning how you shouldn’t be too edgy, but then I’m celebrating how I use the biggest no-no onstage for positive results. Ok, let me be as clear as I can be.

If you are early on in your career, feel free to write on any subject, but be really careful about how far you push things. You probably aren’t good enough to get away with being too edgy, plus even if you are, until you prove you can do a funny PG-13 type act as a MC and then feature act, you are going to be seriously limiting your opportunities to get to the stage where you can be freer in your material. Oh and whatever you do, don’t use the word cunt unless you can do it in a way that gets women laughing. As the first explorer to scale Cunt Mountain, I will mention that there were lots of comedians I passed who had bombed out on my way to its top. It’s thin-air up here, but I feel like I accomplished something way harder than reaching the top of the Everest. Good luck with your efforts on the climb and if you need a good sherpa to help you reach these heights, drop me a line.

Today’s Wrap Up

Political correctness is a pox on comedy, but don’t think you have absolute freedom of speech. The booking agent, the club, and yes, the audience has a say in this. My favorite comics have always been one’s with an in-your-face type act. I appreciate the Seinfeld’s, Regan’s, and Gaffigan’s, but my passion has been for comics who really push against conventional thinking. Using CUNT in some ironic way doesn’t really do that for me. Think about that the next time you write a more controversial bit and see if you can shape it into something a little smarter and a little less incendiary. And if you reached this point and think I’m a pompous windbag who is afraid of really pushing the envelope, I hear you and my clear response is a simple, fuck you Cunty McTwatlips.

Performing for Parents at a School

Who needs a Vegas Marquee? Big Time Comedy written with Dry Erase Markers.

For those of you that unaware, my daughter is on the autism spectrum. Over the past year I’ve written a mostly new act which discusses the journey I have been on since becoming a father. One of my daughters former teachers had seen this new show of mine and asked if I would do a truncated version of it show for current parents of students in the local early childhood program.

A little background on what early childhood programs are, they are set up for pre-K (3-5 year olds) who are developmentally delayed. What that means is that some of these kids just need some extra attention to catch up, but a majority are looking at a future where they will have academic challenges the rest of the life. With the exploding growth of autism, my guess is that the majority of these parents have a child on the spectrum.

The director of the program was excited to have me, but also was very nervous that I would say something that would cause problems. This was ironic to me, since that was how my teachers felt in most classrooms I ever stepped in. I understood, though.

I understood her concern. Think about having this child that you love unconditionally. Then noticing that they aren’t developing at the rate they should be. Then to find out sometime between 2 and 3 years old that they are have some disorder like autism. You research the autism subject and learn that many on the spectrum never build real friendships or are able to ever live on their own.
My daughter is 9 now, and I am know who she is and have a good idea of what her future holds. I have come to an understanding. When your child is 3 or 4 years old, though, you have in the back of your mind that some type of miracle is around the corner. A miracle that will cause the love of their life to be able to live a typical life. Eventually to be able to hold a job, make a real connective friendship, or even get married. The older a child with special needs becomes, the more you learn to accept it and in some ways, embrace it. These parents I would be performing for were still in the rawest time. The time where you are confused, heartbroken, and praying for a miracle.

Sounds like a tricky situation. Well I was only doing 25 minutes, so I did my abbreviated version of my show, but made it more conversational and definitely more confessional. I stood in front of the classrooom and told my story of how my life had changed from having my girl Maddie. The story I tell is the evolution of me from learning from my daughter. It’s dark at times, but I try to throw in plenty of silly to keep the laughs going.

I like that I usually perform my show in front of people who know little about people with special needs because I have never wanted to preach to the converted. I like being able to raise awareness and understanding. I will admit, though, that there was something cool going on in that classroom the other night, as I had a group of parents who I could tell felt very connected to what I was discussing. When you have a child with special needs most of your emotions are amplified. You are sadder, you are happier, you are angrier, and you definitely have less time to accept any bullshit. What’s interesting is that you become way more accepting of people who have disabilities, while being more irritated dealing with typical people who who behave or act in a way they should know better. You gain a different perspective and have little patience for those who bitch about their imaginary problems. (See every Real Housewife, for example)

So the show went well. This was an event set up by the school where some of the early childhood teachers gave up their time that night to watch the children in another classroom, while the parents had an hour to escape from the reality they live. You see, when you have a child with type of special needs, especially when they are younger, you can’t just call up the local high school girl in your neighborhood to babysit. It takes someone with experience for you to trust them. It might have been the only hour these couples were together without their child for the whole month/year. I know this reality well.

While I prefer to do shows without any restrictions, I have done few shows where I felt more appreciation. That is a weird feeling, but it felt good. Now back to my full-time job–slinging jokes to drunks!

Here’s a compilation clip of what my fundraiser show is like.

Why Am I Not Headlining Comedy Clubs?

I have spent over a decade trying to figure out a way to get more headlining work at comedy clubs. I’ve come up with 4 or 5 different shows during this period looking for a way to create buzz about my show. That has worked to varying degrees, but each time I found myself reaching a point where I didn’t see any more growth happening, I went back to the drawing board. Very few people can just stand behind a mic, tell really funny jokes, and expect that you are going to draw a crowd all over the country.

So am I saying you need a gimmick? No, though I can’t say it would hurt. Pauly Shore continues to sell tickets, even though I have never heard anyone who went to his show claim they thought he was great. There are a few other Pauly’s running around out there who have been selling tickets for 2 decades. I’m not sure why they are able to keep people interested in coming to see them, since they haven’t written a lot of new stuff, but being a C-level celeb is better for sales than being a B-level comic with little name recognition. Sad, but true. (Especially for someone like me: B-level comic.)

What I am saying is that you need to find some way to break through and connect with a larger audience. The days where you can do a TV spot and things will change the next day are over. I think one of the big mistakes that many comedy clubs make is paying someone who has done a Comedy Central special twice as much as someone like me, just because they have that credit. If the person is really funny and is really good on radio promoting, great, but that Comedy Central special isn’t going to add that many more tix to your week, unless it is accompanied by more. I did a show a few months back where I was paid decently as a feature, but then saw the headliners pay and noticed he was making 3 times as much as me, even though he wasn’t funnier and didn’t draw any more people than myself. I just don’t get that booking. If you bring in Pauly Shore and pay him 10 times as much as me, even though I do better than him onstage, I have no problem with that if everyone came out that night to see him. I understand the bottom line. My problem is with someone who has a credit that no one cares about, except for his management who got that comic on the special in the first place and is taking 15 percent to make it seem like they are worth the extra dough…Phew.

You ultimately have to create a show that gets a lot of buzz, then capitalize on it through marketing and social media. Keep in mind though, that this isn’t 2006 and Myspace is just taking off and you can use the net to be the next Dane Cook. Don’t think you can start up a podcast and reignite your career to new levels like Marc Maron did. They beat you to it–oh and they also were already accomplished comics with quality acts* and lots of TV and radio appearances, by the time they found a new marketing tool. Outside of very few good-looking comics who get big breaks early on, after being seen by the right person in New York or LA, it has to do with a mix of talent, experience, and some marketing skill.

*Yes, you read that right. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a Dane Cook hater. He didn’t deserve to be the best-selling comic in the world at the time, but he also didn’t deserve to be a total whipping boy. He should have been more cognizant of his deal with Louis CK, but he wasn’t Carlos Mencia, either.

Let me be clear of my meaning. For those of you that bitch about not getting headlining work at clubs, most of the time it comes down to can your show bring people in the door? Don’t just think you can do great standup and that will be enough. The clubs have to have a way to sell your show. I have some markets where I can sell tickets, so the club makes a lot of money off of me, and I get to play a higher quality room–without the credits or management that you usually would have to have to be 1 of the 50 comics they will use that year.

I’m try to never be delusional. Most A rooms in this country I don’t even try to headline at because I don’t know of anyway I could sell enough tickets to get them to pay attention to me. I’ve never been the type who would bother someone if I didn’t think they were interested. If I had some great management, maybe it would be easier, but I’ve found that even comics with some big agency only get to headline once or twice at A rooms, before they get kicked back to the curb, unless they demonstrate their drawing power.

Now don’t confuse A rooms versus B rooms. B rooms rarely bring in big names, as their formula is more about lower overhead towards salaries to help them make their profit. I actually think these rooms make more sense, especially in a smaller markets, as the majority of the audiences don’t want to see some hipster from LA bring his slant on comic books and sushi. Sure that is what is seen as amazingly artistic to decision makers in the entertainment world, but to people in most of Fly Over Country that doesn’t resonate. The major problem I have with these B rooms is that it doesn’t matter if you are at the top or the bottom of the list for headliners, you are going to make the same money. It the way the world of B rooms work. This is why I’m always striving to figure out a new way to breakthrough.

I realize this post is kind of all over the place. Here’s my wrap-up. When you are trying to get into a club as a feature, it’s best to not send some video where you are very unique. Just be funny. Clubs know that many headliners don’t want to follow someone who stands out. After you get in there, you do need to start amping your show up in someway, though, so the owner/booker realizes you need to be moved up. Remember though, that even if you are dynamite on-stage, you still need to figure out a way to sell more tickets than someone else on that A club’s calendar, if you are going to make that next step up there. That will most likely mean you need to move to LA or NY and get some TV credits and top management. Even with these, also remember there are only 45-50 slots each year on the stage at the IMPROV or Funny Bone or whatever other club that brings in big acts and pays real money each week, so don’t think being unique and funny is all you need.

I know this post has been a little confusing, but hopefully this clears up a little about how things work. During my time in the biz, I’ve seen quite a few flavor of the months coming roaring into the A room clubs, only for them 5 years later be 1 of those “hey, I wonder happened to them?” I’m still here. Some of these flavor of the months made more money in their hot 2 years as I did during my best 5 year stretch, but…I’m still here.

I mostly wanted to write this piece so I could express this: Don’t bitch about not headlining A rooms if you can’t explain why you will be a bigger draw than at least 20% of their current roster. You are a product. If they can’t make enough money off of you, they are not going to put you on the shelves, no matter how much they might like you personally. It has more to do than just taste, it has to do with packaging and being something people want and will go to the store to buy. I get that. I know I speak for a lot of booking agents in saying they wished you did too:)

Ultimately it has a lot more to do with Stand-out comedy, than it does Stand-up comedy. Like it or not. I’m still trying to find that magic in a bottle. If I finally find it, I suspect that will be the first time I keep something to myself about this business.