Brush with Hate-ness: Meeting Traci Lords

Back in 2003 I was working the Dallas IMPROV with Frank Caliendo. At this point of his career, Frank was doing MadTV, but was still under the radar, a little. It was a lot of fun because when he would get on radio he would destroy harder than anyone I’ve ever heard. Part of this was because he was still a bit of unknown commodity. Same goes for his standup shows. I can remember seeing a sneak preview of Something About Mary and never laughing harder at a movie. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, so that surprise element kicked it up a notch. Same goes for standup. When an audience goes into a club not expecting a lot and then are blown away, it’s creates an amazing energy.

So I’m sitting in with Frank, throwing in a few lines here or there, but mainly just watching him riff with one of his impressions. The DJ’s of Dallas are laughing so hard tears are running down some of their faces. I’m not exaggerating. This was at the beginning of his Dubya Bush impression, which he nailed more than anyone, so that added to the laughter.

We get to an afternoon radio show early and sit in the lobby. It’s about being professional. Well, the guest they were supposed to have at that time, Traci Lords, was running late, so they asked us to come in the studio then.

If you are unaware of Traci Lords, she was the infamous adult film actress who lied about her age and was doing porn when she was 16. Well, Frank is killing it. I’m throwing in jokes about how great today is considering I’m about to meet the Meryl Streep of underage porn. It’s a radio circus and a lot of fun. After our first break, we hear that Traci just got there and she is being pretty demanding about wanting to go straight into the studio. It was a bad deal for the radio host, as these were 2 great guests and he didn’t want to piss off either one of them. He had Frank do another segment and then had Traci do her thing, as she didn’t seem the type that wanted to share the spotlight.

We had been told by the radio show’s producer Miss Lords if you’re nasty was being a total bitch, so to be careful around her. The sense of entitlement that some people have always floors me. So you become famous for sucking dick, which makes you believe you need to be treated like a major talent. My respect for most actors is pretty low. Maybe since I’m a writer who performs his own material, I’m a bit dubious about the great talents of people who memorize other people’s words. For every Gene Hackman or Edward Norton, there is the whatever pretty flavor of the month who will be selling houses or cars by 40.

Now I’m not going to pretend I didn’t enjoy her early work, especially in the Dark Brothers classic, New Wave Hookers! When it came to her later mainstream acting, though, she always seemed like the worst actress on the set. It was time for her to cut the entitled attitude, especially since she wasn’t the hot 16 year old girl anymore, but a 34 year-old (at the time) woman who had lived a pretty tough life. I’ve met porn hall of famers like Nina Hartley and Christy Canyon and they couldn’t have been nicer. Not the case with Kristie Elizabeth Nussman. I have to admit I was a little bummed that I didn’t get to make small-talk with Traci, though, since the 19 year-old version of me had dreamed of this day, but 17 years later it didn’t seem so important. And anyway, what was I going to tell her? The way you attacked Peter North in Black Throat was thrilling or your work between the legs of Christy Canyon was a lesbian thespian masterpiece.

So any underage porn stars reading this now I hope you have learned an important lesson. Treat people with the respect they deserve. Otherwise, they may give you the blog version of a money shot across the face.