Infamous Comic Stories: John Fox

Who am I to deny a birthday girls wish to take a photo with her?

There is no comic with more of a sorted reputation among comics than John Fox. Fox is a standup who began his career during the beginning of the comedy boom.  He appeared on the Rodney Dangerfield HBO special that included Tim Allen and Jeff Foxworthy.  He also was the epitome of life on the road excess.  When I started in the early 90′s, Fox was one of the biggest draws in the clubs.  This was especially the case in Indianapolis where the Bob and Tom Show is based and was really taking off.  Fox was one of the first comics that the show really broke in some of its earliest markets. (Heywood Banks, Pinkard and Bowden, Tim Cavanaugh, Brad Garrett, etc) In the 90′s, there were 4 full-time comedy clubs in Indy. 2 of them were owned by Chick Perrin, a classic character, himself.  These were the days where the club was open Tuesday through Saturday and an MC would make 325 for the week. You would also get to go to a cool bar Perrin owned after each show and eat and drink for free. The bar is named the Old Point and it was the site of the first time I met John Fox.

Since it was on the house, you could usually count on all the comics being there after most shows, but for some reason, only myself showed up from the Broad Ripple club.  I asked the bartender if any comics had come by from the Downtown club and he pointed to John Fox. Now, I’d only been doing standup a couple of years, but I had been told about Mr. Fox.  I went up to him a little nervously and introduced myself.  He started our conversation with this.

(Gravely voice. Think Nick Nolte in 48 Hours) I’m sure you heard a lot about me. Well, let me tell you, if half that shit was true, I would be dead. Oh and by the way, I’ve never jacked off in a comedy condo mayonnaise jar.

It’s good we cleared that up.  Then he proceeded to tell me story after story about him that was as bad, if not worse. A magical night.  I don’t remember much because I was drinking with John Fox, but what my liver didn’t expunge from cerebellum, I do remember these 2.

Some club he told me had shorted him some money off of his door deal, so to get back at them, he opened a package of raw chicken breasts and put them up in the heating duct of the condo. He said it took them a couple of weeks to figure out where the rancid smell was coming from.  Considering that the comedians who had to stay there were the real victims, I’m not sure he really got back at them. Kind of like being the guy who burns down his neighborhood to protest something.

My favorite story he told was about doing a show at the Comedy Store in LA.  Fox’s story included another infamous comic named Lenny Schultz.  Now before I go any farther, let me explain Lenny Schultz.  Lenny was a prop comic/human cartoon.  He had to be a big influence on Andy Kaufman, Gallagher, Howie Mandel, Carrot Top, Michael Richards, etc. Since I worked with Lenny a year later, I happen to know that Lenny thought this, as he was kind of like Jerry Lee Lewis telling everybody who would listen that almost every comic stole their act from him.  The guy was certifiable on-stage and pretty similar off.  Probably the most interesting thing I remember about him was that he did standup and TV appearances as side job, as he kept his gig as a NYC physical education teacher the whole time. Really. The guy was a known commodity to Sinatra, Jimmy Stewart, and Henry Fonda. He was the hardest guy to follow ever according to Billy Crystal.  A documentary of him would be fascinating. Since describing his act is nearly impossible, I suggest if you have the time, check out this youtube clip.

So back to the John Fox story about Lenny. It was an early week open mic nigh at the Comedy Store, so the crowd was made up mainly of standups. Now if you are unaware, other comics are the worst audience possible to do standup for because they are cynical, competitive people who don’t want to help another comic onstage by laughing. All the comics were struggling when up next on the bill was Lenny. If you didn’t watch the video above, a key element for Lenny was him saying “Do you want to see me go crazy?” and then feeding off that energy with some insane antic like throwing food at himself. Well, as you can guess, when Lenny said this that night, the comics in the back were pretty low-key in their enthusiasm for it. This is when the story becomes magical.

According to John Fox’s story to me, he said Lenny told another comic friend of his who was a little person to come up on-stage.  This started to peak the audience’s interest.  Now keep in mind, Lenny was a P.E. teacher and he was an early bodybuilder, so he was a strong dude.  He then proceeded to pick the little guy up with one hand and hold him to his side yelling, “Now do you want to see me go crazy.” This was probably the most enthusiastic yes he ever got from a crowd, so he proceeded with his other hand to unzip the guys pants and according to the tale, try to wack off the midget.  Well, Mitzi Shore (owner of the Comedy Store) runs to the door to lock it, so no chance the police would come in.

Now, I have never been told a funnier story in my life. I have no idea if it was true or not, but who would make up something this crazy? Well, maybe John Fox. If this story isn’t true, I still love the imagery. Let me add, that as good as it reads, it was twice as funny being told by John Fox. Fox has been derided by other comics his whole career because he has mainly done jokes you would hear at work. It’s an old school type of comedy. I’m not going to defend this type of standup, but I will say I’ve only heard one other person who was a better joke teller on-stage than Fox and that’s Ron White.  I can remember Chick Perrin (the club owner) standing next to me in the back of the club telling me listen to this guy, he’s a master at timing.  And he was.

(Interesting thing was at the Indianapolis Comedy Connection Downtown, Perrin put up a poster he had of John Fox sitting in a hot tub between 2 topless women. One time John pointed out the poster to some waitress that was working there and I mentioned my favorite part of the photo was that John had the biggest tits in it.  It got me a good laugh. John then mentioned he was making 3500 and I was making 500 for the week, which wasn’t the wittiest comeback, but definitely made a financial point. Later that night, there was a torrential downpour and the ceiling had a pretty large leak hitting the stage.  John brought an umbrella up onstage and did a lot of his show, holding it over his head. It was pretty hysterical. Still one of the most memorable nights of comedy in my career.)

I worked with John a few times over the next decade and it was always good because you had no restrictions on what you said in front of him. You also didn’t have to worry about stepping on anything he did, unless you did joke jokes. The only time I ever worked at the Comedy Caravan in Louisville was with him. The opener was Tom Mabe, the great telemarketing prank caller, so it was a show that slammed from beginning to end.  John was always funny off-stage, when I would hang out with him. I told him in the condo we shared that week after one witty thing he said, Hey, why don’t you do that onstage? You catch a lot of flack for not changing your act, but you obviously could come up with a lot of new material?  His response was my act is like the Rolling Stones. If I don’t do Satisfaction or Brown Sugar, people are going to walk out pissed.  I told him I didn’t say he should dump the firemen butt-fucking or Archibald Barisol, but maybe he could skip one of his Undercover of the Night’s or Harlem Shuffle quality jokes, and instead do a new one.  I didn’t think this conversation had much impact, as his next words were I need to go take a dump and walked out of the room.

So the next night he comes up to me after the first show and asked if I caught his set?  I told him I didn’t because I had worked with him enough that I could do his act. (of course, not half as well, as he had mastered every inflection in his show.) Well, your loss, Scott. I changed the order around, it makes the shit seem like it’s new.  It was one of the funniest and saddest comments I had ever heard.  I basically told him this and he mentioned how the people were there that night to see him, not me.  And he was right.  I might have written 10 times as much material during my career as he has, but I have never been able to become a big draw anywhere on the level that he has. After the second show, we are out in the lobby selling merchandise and he tells me he did a couple jokes that he usually doesn’t during the show that set. I told him I thought that was great.  Well, not a minute after this exchange, a guy comes up and asks why he didn’t do a certain joke?  Then a couple minutes after that another comes dude tells John how great he was but mentions he was disappointed that he didn’t do another joke that he usually does.  Fox looks over at me and says, You see why I don’t change my set. All my jokes are fucking Satisfaction. He made his point.

My favorite story about John Fox was the only time I performed at Snickers in Fort Wayne.  I featured for him and at the time, Snickers had a rule that you had to pay them 25 bucks each show, if you mentioned from the stage you sold merchandise.  I told John that I didn’t feel that great about paying the club for this honor and he said fuck ‘em, I will mention you will be selling stuff when I give my sales pitch at the end of my show. Which he did.  It was a cool move on his part.

Here comes my favorite story.  We are at the hotel and he calls me up on the Saturday and says what are we going to do this afternoon? Well, I had planned on reading a book and doing some writing.  Not a couple of his favorite activities I gathered from his response and since he didn’t have wheels, he needed me to be his chauffeur. Now Fort Wayne is not known for all the fun things you can do while your there, but I knew they had a minor league baseball team and he said that sounded great.  We get there and he grabs a beer and a hot dog (John Fox fuel) and we begin to watch.  Quickly a problem arose.  It was Little League day at the ballpark, so there was tons of kids surrounding us. Kids and John Fox don’t mix well.  I mean the guy curses like he’s in a Martin Scorcesse film.  I told him he needed to keep the Fucks down to a minimum, but he just can’t stop himself.  Eventually, after continued dirty looks from parents around us (rightfully so), I told him we needed to go somewhere else because this wasn’t going to work.  I then remembered I saw an Off Track Betting Parlor a short distance away when driving in and when I mentioned this he said, well why didn’t we fucking go there in the first place?

So that night, after drinking all day, John had a great first show, but by the second, he was in no shape to perform.  I told him I would do 45 in the middle and then he could do a shorter set to close the show. This was a good plan, as he barely did a half an hour and it was all over the place.  His remarkable timing wasn’t there, so the quality of his material was put to the test, which is not a good thing for him. No one seemed too angry, though, as seeing John Fox living up to his reputation is kind of part of the experience. Kind of like knowing there’s a good chance Axl Rose is going to hit the stage a couple hours late.  Part of the chance you take when you get a ticket.

Any piece on him should end with the song the Legend of John Fox. It is a hilarious tune by my friend, Pat Godwin, and it hits many of the stories about Fox, urban legend or not. When I started there were a few characters like John Fox, but with the standup business today having way more supply than demand, it’s hard to work a lot if you get a reputation like his.  On many levels that’s good, but it does take away from the stories.

I Love My Material/I Hate my Material

With the ray of sunshine who is Charlene Dimilio after a show at the Comedy Room.

One of the really weird things that happens from show to show is how much I like my material. When I do 2 shows in a night at a club, the first show I could be doing well with the audience and I’m feeling great about my act. Then the second show, I can be telling the same shit (for the most part) and I start hating my act because the crowd isn’t buying in on the same level. It is really a schizophrenic feeling.

If I was told my life depended on me finding the funniest 30 minute set any comic could do, I would probably pick Dave Attell. I mention him because as great as he is, when I hear him interviewed about his standup, he seems very self-hating about his act. This is not any humble routine, I think his dislike of himself is ingrained, and it also probably makes him as funny as he is.

I have mentioned before how I’m a mix of self-aggrandizing and self-hating. It might not be a healthy way to live, but I think it works okay as a comic. I can have shows where I kick-ass with the audience, but don’t feel that great about it because the feature act in front of me did close to as well. I can also have shows where I don’t do well as usual, but know I was on top of my game.

Don’t let some comics bullshit with you I don’t feel competitive about my place in standup.  Marc Maron might be the father of alt.comedy and he’s a self-confessed sports hater, but he also might be the most internally competitive person in the business. It also might be the reason he spends a lot of time discussing the problems he has had with other comics.

Like most things I’m passionate about, I have a love/hate relationship with standup. I can be a bitter about certain things about the biz, but I’m also a big fan of it. I judge every standup I listen to, but at the same time, I’m very open to different styles and forms of comedy. The longer I’m in the business, the more I love watching a comic who I can tell has worked hard at their craft.

I’m really happy with 80 percent of my act. The other 20 percent stuff I just don’t feel I can get rid of because it gets huge laughs. It’s not that I don’t like this 20 percent, I just don’t feel it fits the majority of my story I’m telling onstage of dysfunction and raw pain. I could dump it, but I believe it is my job, first and foremost, to get big laughs. My analogy would be let’s say Springsteen comes out with a really personal album like Tunnel of Love, but he still knows he needs to do Rosalita and Dancing in the Dark in concert, because the audience paid to be entertained.

I know me comparing myself to Springsteen is ridiculous, but hopefully you can see what I’m getting at. I’m sure someone could argue that it’s just some kind of justification on my part because I’m afraid to get rid of some of my older slamdunks. Who knows, maybe one of those someone’s is a voice inside my head? Ah, the life of a neurotic comic.

Comedy Podcasts

Doing a Podcast with one of the most talented people in show biz, Greg Fitzsimmons.

Since I spend so much time driving with my job, I need something to occupy my mind.  When I started I used to listen to a lot of books on tape.  I moved over to listening to satellite radio when XM came out. (bought it the first day it was offered.) I would mix these in with music, as I’m kind of a freak for it.  (see my music site if more interested, rock, paper, blog)

In the past couple of years I’ve gotten away from listening to much satellite radio, as podcasts have kind of taken over for me.  I listen to the usual suspects like Adam Carolla, Bill Simmons, and This American Life, but besides those, I mainly just listen to standup comics podcasts.

The 3 best standup comic podcasts in my opinion are Marc Maron’s WTF, Greg Fitzsimmons’ Fitzdog Radio, and Jay Mohr’s Mohr stories.  Chris Hardwick’s The Nerdist is good, but I’m not his target audience, so I kind of pick and choose with him. Joe Rogan’s is pretty great, but the length of his episodes are so long that I find not listening to his as much.  I used to listen a lot to Jimmy Dore’s Comedy and Everything Else, but the length of it’s episodes also started to keep me from downloading it.  I love Jimmy Pardo but it’s a little too talk-showey for my tastes, so I pick and choose with it, as well.  Bill Burr might be my favorite comic out there today, but I like the back and forth conversation that my favorite podcasts have and Bill’s is mainly just a stream of consciousness rant.  All of these shows are good and run by extremely talented standups.  I just have only so much time, so I lean towards the one’s I listed in the first paragraph.

Maron’s podcast is great because he explores what is the reason behind why comics do what they do.  You get a healthy (or more apt, unhealthy slice) of Marc’s personal demons, too.  It’s hard to go wrong with any of his episodes, but the Louis CK, Carlos Mencia, Dane Cook, and Gallagher podcasts probably got him the most attention. Way before I ever considered doing standup, I was a fan of it, so I really appreciate Marc’s exploration of the business.  I also respect how personal he is with his life, on and off-stage. Sure he’s a selfish narcissist who’s life I have little in common with besides standup, but it’s interesting for me looking at what I might be like if I never had gotten married and had kids.  It’s almost comforting that the mental strain my life has now could possibly even be worse if I didn’t have a family, as it seems for Maron.

Greg Fitzsimmons talks about being happy about his career being in the middle.  I have to disagree with his assessment of himself.  I think a guy who headlines some of the best clubs in the country, written a best-selling book, has won Emmy’s writing for Talk shows, been a showrunner for TV shows, hosted game shows, has his own radio talk show on the Howard Stern channel on Sirius radio, etc… is not a guy in the middle.  Greg is one of the comics I have the most respect for in the business, as he has done so many different things in the comedy world, but has managed to always stay one of the best standup comics in the country.  I appear on his Grand Rapids titled podcast, which was really cool since I’m a big fan of Fitzdog radio.

More recently Jay Mohr has jumped into the podcasting world.  He is a natural storyteller and has done so many different things in his career that he has a wealth of material to get into. My favorite episodes are when he has his long-time manager, Barry Katz, in-studio with him.  Barry has managed at one-time or another, a large portion of the best standups of the past 2 decades and as controversial of a figure he is in the biz, he has a ton of great stories, as well.

I’ve had some comics ask me why I don’t have a podcast.  My first answer is that I don’t have the time with the rest of what goes on with my busy life. My niche outside of standup is this blog.  I think it’s unique and I’m happy with its progression.

I also haven’t done a podcast because I don’t feel I would get enough listeners to make it worth my while.  There is no shortage of podcasts at this point, so if you are going to do one and expect to have any listeners, you better have an idea for it that makes it somewhat unique.  Besides being super funny people, the most successful podcasts have something in common, they have professional broadcasters doing them.

• Adam Carolla (who is the best) hosted radio shows for 15 years.
• Maron was part of Air America’s morning show for a few years.
• Mohr has had his own TV talk show (ESPN) and has filled in for Jim Rome for years.
• Fitzsimmons has done morning radio shows for years and his Dad was a big-time radio personality in NYC.
• Hardwick has hosted TV shows for 15 years.
• Rogan has hosted TV shows like Fear Factor and the UFC.
• Pardo has hosted a gameshow and done tons of morning radio, as has Burr and Dore.

It’s no accident that these guys are great at podcasting.  They have tons of experience in some form of broadcasting.  If you are a comic with not a lot of experience thinking about podcasting, I do think it’s a great place to learn how to get better at doing radio.  There is an art to doing well on radio, which some good standup comics never master.  It’s not so much about doing your act, as much as it is being conversational and keeping your energy level up high.  If you can use a podcast practicing this, I think that is a great idea.  I would expect though, that you will suck at them the first few times you do them, unless you get a great guest, so be careful how you disseminate them to the general public.  A meandering, boring podcast is not going to win you any new fans and might make the one’s you already have question why they are in the first place.

Fun Moments in Corporate History

It is coming to the season when I do more corporate events. I have had some really fun times doing these shows, but overall, it’s a way more restrictive place to do standup, as you have been hired to fit a rating.  I tell clients my show is not G-rated, more PG-13, as I won’t say anything worse than you could hear in a Tonight Show comedy set. Ultimately I do these shows because they pay better. They pay better because most standups can’t do them.  I’m not saying I’m the best corporate comic out there, but in my price range, I think I’m a good value.

Here are some of the more interesting things I can remember happening at a corporate show.

Most corporate events have a part where the CEO comes up to the podium and talks about different parts of the companies year.  Corporate CEO: We were saddened by the passing of Betty Bonser. She worked for Dumper Sanitation for 33 years and it was heartbreaking when she fell into the recycling incinerator.  Let’s bow our head for a moment of silence for Betty. (5 seconds) I’d now like to bring up our comedian for the night… (Ok, I made up this scenario, but I’ve followed the employee death list a few times including from horrible accidents or terminal diseases that has people wiping their eyes.)

I did a show where the President of the organization did a joke where he pulled out a huge pair of granny panties and then said some woman had left them at his place.  It was actually pretty funny, except to the woman who started crying.  I got to follow that nightmare.

At one event I was doing my improv bit where I let the audience throw-out questions they have been asked at a job interview and then I give inappropriate answers. I was asked the basic Why are you applying for this job. My response was that I see there’s a lot of good-looking babes and I’m a big sexual harasser. Usually that is comedy gold, except that in this situation, the old CEO had been fired recently for this particular offense and there had been some serious seminars on this subject for employees that had ensued.  NOTE TO CORPORATE CLIENT.  Please inform comedian of any incidents that should be steered away from.

I did a show for a blue collar trucking company in Kenosha, WI where some bleached blonde woman spent a good portion of the show heckling me. Unlike a regular show where I would take her on, I just tried to deflect it.  Well, the rest of her co-workers were losing respect for me, so I went back at her about how when she goes to the Salon I’m guessing she says, Give me a Rik Flair, Whooo.  This brought the biggest laugh I received all night.  Following the laugh the woman’s husband who dressed for the big party like he just got back from Sturgis, responded by telling me he would kick my fucking ass if I said anything else to his old lady like that again. This only made the companies president laugh really hard.  I told him I’m glad that physical harm to me was what made him laugh.  I’m guessing that he hired a comedian because the class clown used to make fun of him at school and he saw this event as revenge.  No response. I earned my money that night.

Here is the worst one I can remember.  The President of the company said this.  As you know it has been a tough year for our industry.  We have tried to cut in every place we could, but I’m sorry to tell you that next month there will be a 10 percent reduction in our working staff.  I’m hoping that through early retirement we won’t have to let too many people go, but this is the only way our business will be able to succeed in the future. Now enough with the bad news, let’s have a good time at our Christmas Party tonight.  I’d like to bring up our entertainment for the night…

These are just a few gems from some of the corporate events I’ve done.  It’s not the norm, but it’s a whole different experience than doing a typical standup show.  You have to possess a lot of material and know that your laughs are generally not going to be as large.  My best advice is to come off like you are having fun, even if you are not.  That is what most people who work in the real world have to do—day after day—so try to stay positive.  Hey, it could be worse, you could be that 10 percent that is getting canned.

Standup Rule No. 8: Don’t Bone the Staff

With my buddy and brand new father, Josh Alton.

Now here is a topic that I know will be controversial. I just think it’s a bad idea to have sex with staff members at comedy clubs.  You might think, hey we’re 2 consenting adults, what’s the harm? I would agree that it doesn’t hurt to go after shows with the staffs and have some drinks. I know that since I have rarely done this, it has hurt my career at some clubs, as you build personal relationships that way.  Here is why I believe that you have to be careful in how far you are going to go in building personal relationships.

Before I get into more detail here, it should be mentioned that if you are headliner who draws a lot of people, you can pretty much behave whatever way you want to, because you are making the club money.  I can think of one hypnotist who the actual manager of club hated so much that he would take his vacation that week, just not to deal with him.  Having said that, the guy still got booked, despite his unprofessional behavior (on almost every level) because the hypnotist sold-out pretty much every show.

So onto why you shouldn’t make the sexy with the comedy club staff.  The biggest reason simply comes down to this. It is a lot harder for a comedy club to find a good waitress than it is a good comic.  You are there one week (maybe 2 weeks) per year as a feature act or headliner.  If things go badly afterwards (and from what I can tell, they usually do) that staff member has at least 50 weeks that year to badmouth your ass.  Who do you think is closer friends to the owner, the loyal employee who is there most nights of the week or you, the person who tells jokes 4-8 shows each year?  It’s just a dangerous bet, considering how hard it is to keep your schedule filled.

Here are some examples of what I’m talking about.

So the story goes that one comic that went home with a staff member. When she wouldn’t seal the deal with him, he started to cry and beg.  Not something you want following you around.

I worked at a club where the big story the staff loved to tell was how one famous comic had slept with a waitress there.  Now he had been a bit of jerk all week, but some people are starfuckers, so one waitress dived in.  She did come back with a story, though, about how he had dick like a thumb.  Every time I see this guy on TV, now, that thought always pops up in my head. Might even be a lie, but it is out there because this waitress worked around comics and was happy to share her discovery.

When I started, one major headliner was such a sexual harasser to the staff that the waitresses with the most seniority would ask off for his week, despite that they would end up making a lot of money in tips because the guy drew sold-out crowds.  When he stopped drawing, as well, he stopped getting booked as often. He’s too old now to act like that, but his reputation has proceeded him, as a lot of clubs don’t book him at all, anymore.

Some clubs I have done in the past even had in their itinerary a note to not sleep with the staff. Now there are a few waitresses at clubs that see as a fringe benefit of working at the club getting to bone the comics.  Hey, this is a lot better in my book than working at a rock club so you can fuck the musicians, since comedians are smarter, carry way less disease, and are way more appreciative since we don’t get many women hitting on us (especially compared to rock stars).  I know that a couple of these waitresses are reading this and thinking, what right do you have to tell me who I should sleep with? I’m not telling you not to do it, I’m just telling comics I think it’s a bad mistake.

Here is the most tragic story I have on the subject. My brother (who passed away a few years back) was a standup comic.  The major advice I had for him when he started was these things.

• Get onstage as much as possible so you can get better.
• Sit down a few times a week and write something, even if it isn’t funny, just so you can keep your creative brain working.
• Become very familiar with a map of the US, so when someone offers you 2 gigs in Texas, you don’t accept and then find out they are 1o hours apart.
• Buy a used car with a great maintenance history.
• Whatever you do, don’t fuck the waitresses at a club.

So one day I get a call and my brother says he has a new girlfriend.  I tell him that I’m happy for him, then he says you’re not going to like this part, though.  She is a waitress at a comedy club.  I told him I thought that was a bad move.  He said I know, but I really like her, I think I might even love her.  He then tells me I might know her, since it’s a club that I’ve done before. Then he tells me her my name.

The person he told me was a waitress that had a reputation for sleeping with a lot of comics.  Not good. My brother didn’t know this and I wasn’t about to tell him, since he might love her, but I knew this situation wasn’t going to turn out well.  It didn’t.  My brother ended up getting his heart broken and he also ended up not going back to that club, as it was awkward for everyone involved.

Now I’m sure that some comics are reading this saying, well you have been married most of the time you’ve been doing standup, so it’s easy for you to pontificate on this subject. I’m out here alone and if I want to get a little companionship, I will. 

Please, go ahead.  Play your game of comedy Russian Roulette.  Just takes some competitors off my radar for gigs.

Just so I don’t come off as Mr. No Fun, here are a couple exceptions I can see to my strict guidelines.

Comics do a lot of one-nighters.  I don’t see as many problems with you hooking up with one of these waitresses, since worst-case scenario is you lose one-night of work.  Also, since most of these waitresses will be working until 2 or 3 in the morning, it’s not like they sleep with a lot of comics anyway, so they are less likely to have a big love/hate relationship with comics.

Another exception is a specific situation where I’ve seen it not always work out so badly.  If you sleep with a waitress at your homeclub, you might have a better chance of surviving that breakup, since you will be hanging out there more often and you might have friends who will stick up for you if a waitress starts talking trash about you.  It’s still a dangerous game, since it’s your homeclub, but you are not seen as a complete outsider in this situation, so you have a better chance of surviving this one.

Final Exception. She is so hot that you are willing to lose the gig, if you can make it happen. I think this is pretty rare, as 10′s don’t usually fall for standup comics, as we are not good-looking enough and definitely not financially stable enough to get that type of woman. If you happen to thread that needle, go for it. I mean who am I to tell someone they can’t fulfill a dream?

So that is my thoughts on this subject.  Let me repeat, that I’m not in anyway saying most comedy club waitresses are whores.  My experience is that comics are at a way higher percentage of acting like a whore.  And even if you are a waitress who likes to get it on with comics, I have no beef with you.  You will keep your job and probably entertain the staff with juicy gossip about your exploits, after.  And please, share them with me.  I’m a married guy with hardly any sex life, so I would love to hear them.  This piece is about how I think comics should be really careful about having sex with the staff, since they are a lot more of a disposable thing for the club, versus a comedian.

Halloween Hustle

My family right before the Trick or Treating will Happen.

One of the constant things I discuss here is that to make a living doing standup comedy, you need to have some hustle in your game. Hustle is something that a lot of comics look down upon. It has been my experience that a lot of people get into standup because they want to find a way to not work hard.  That might have worked in the 80′s comedy boom, but it has never worked while I’ve been doing standup. I thought it might be informative to give you some insight on what a 24 hour period was for me starting last Sunday night at 11pm. Some of the stuff I outline here sounds like complaining.  I’m not trying to, just the reality of my life.  I signed up to be a comedian 2 decades ago and I signed up to be a parent 9 years ago, so I just like to share what a day like mine can be like.

Sunday 11:30 pm.  Had just gotten back home from driving back from the Baltimore area.  I had booked a weekend during my oldest daughter’s Fall Break at Sully’s Comedy Cellar, so I could bring my whole family with me to see my wife’s relatives.  You never get paid vacation time with this job. Every time you want to take your family somewhere, you better book a gig or you’re losing a week of pay.  It is a long drive when you tour with an 8 year-old with special needs and twin 3 year-olds, but you push on through.

Monday 12:01 pm.  Finished getting everyone to bed after asthma breathing treatments and medicines dished out because little kids get sick a lot.  Time to pull up my DVR and watch the NFL on FOX sketch I write for.

Monday 12:05am. Sketch was okay, but none of my material was used. Very frustrating since I sent in around 40 jokes.  This has only happened a handful of times before in 9 years of doing the show.  Want to scream profanities, but can’t because I don’t want to risk waking up my kids. Need to spend a few minutes to decompress.

Monday 12:10.  Start to fall asleep on the couch.  Exhausted from getting very little sleep on trip.  Going on vacation with your family, while doing standup guarantees you will sleep very little.  After doing shows it is hard for me to shut it down, so I end falling asleep around 2 am.  My kids don’t care about that though, so I end up getting about 5 hours a night.  It’s just part of the deal.

Monday 12:30am.  Wake up realizing I need to write some topical football jokes for our FOX sketch.  I send one email of material each Sunday night to the segment producer, but with getting back late, I know I better get some stuff in before I go to bed.  I especially feel this way since none of my jokes were used the past week.  Not optimal situation, since I’m so tired, but I need to make the doughnuts.

Monday 3:00am. Banged out some good NFL jokes. Can’t stay awake any longer. Off to bed.

Monday 7:55 am.  Wife wakes me up to help finish getting my oldest daughter ready to hop on the bus. Not loving life.  My wife kicks ass in the morning and does the majority of getting everyone ready before she goes to work, but there is still about 15 minutes more of stuff to do.

Monday 8:20 am.  Walk down to bus pickup with my daughter.

Monday 8:25 am.  Spend time getting twins ready and fed.

Monday 8:45 am.  Turn on PBS Kids and go into my office so I can explore the internet for more info that might spur a football joke idea.

Monday 10:30 am. Daddy school begins. 10 minutes of reading books and then another 5 of working with a alphabet machine/toy. Hard to focus for them since it freaking Halloween and they are stoked about candy time.

Monday 10:45 am. Back to writing. Put on another show for kids.  I will admit during NFL season when my TV writing gig is going on, my kids watch 3 hours a TV per day.  Not crazy about that, but I watched at least that much when I was their age and I somehow survived it, so…

Monday 11:45 am.  Turn on radio to listen to last part of Dan Patrick Radio show while I make lunch.

Monday 12:05 pm.  Potty breaks, lots of butt wiping, since both kids are battling colds.

Monday 12:10 pm. Forgot to mention. I’m sick, too. It’s all in my throat and I have laryngitis. I croaked my way through my Saturday night show at Sullys Comedy Cellar. (Big props to my friends who own the club, Annemarie and Steve) Trying desperately to save my voice, but not easy when you have twin 3 year-olds who are constantly arguing with each other.

Monday 12:15 pm.  Twins go off to play in the basement. I use this time to send out my avails to all the booking agents I work for.  Calendar is not where I want it to be. I leave most of my december and january dates open for corporate events/xmas parties, but with the economy in the dumper, it’s not been great so far.  Pressure. Coming down on me.

Monday 1:00pm.  Time for twins to take their naps.

Monday 1:05pm.  Feed our dog.

Monday 1:10 pm.  Daddy time.

Monday 1:25 pm. Feeling extra tired after Daddy time, I decide to take nap, as well.

Monday 3:00 pm. Smartphone goes off with email. I always hope that is the sound of money.  Some booking agents sends out mass emails to fill a few openings. One of the dates would fit great with routing on an off-night. Hopefully I get it.

Monday 3:10 pm. Kids wakeup.  Go downstairs to get snack ready. This is music appreciation time, where I play stuff on my Ipod for them.  Halloween edition features Alice Cooper. Only Women Bleed creates a question from my daughter.  My response is Sugar Pie, I have no idea why he says only women bleed.

Monday 3:55 pm.  My oldest gets off the bus.  She’s wired out of her mind because all she can think is trick or treating.  My daughter autism manifests itself in many ways.  It makes her focus on one thing a lot and the constant question she has is “what are we going to do?”  When you answer that, the next question is “What are we going to do after that.” There is rarely an endgame to it.  She also is extremely ADD, so her motor runs at 100 mph every waking minute of the day.  She’s sweet and has a great spirit to her, but she demands constant attention. No creative writing goes on when I’m watching her.

Monday 4:05 pm. Everyone goes potty and then I get all their coats on as we need to go to the grocery, since we were gone most of last week.

Monday 4:20 pm.  After stopping at bank to deposit my check, I hit the store.  Taking twin 3 year-olds and a child with special needs to the grocery is not something a sane person would try to do alone. Fortunately, my sanity left long ago, so I make my way through the store.  I follow the list my wife wrote out and with breakneck speed, try to get everything on it.  Since my voice is so ragged out, I can’t yell at my kids like I usually do when I’m at the store. After awhile, you stop being that concerned how people perceive you , when you have a child with special needs.  All you can do is your best and you realize the occasional stares that some give to your child’s odd behavior isn’t worth reacting to, because your focus has to be on taking care of the family, not retribution for being rude.  Going to the grocery store is quite a chore, but it has to get done and it’s rare when my wife or I have the time to do it on our own.

Monday 4:55 pm. Have somehow made it to the checkout aisle.  It has been a fairly calm appearance for my gang, since I stated every few minutes their good behavior was essential to them getting to go trick or treating.  Threats work when you have something good enough to keep their attention!

Monday 5:10 pm.  Get home and start putting groceries away.  I microwave some broccoli and then hot dogs for their dinner.  Iron Chef doesn’t have my schedule.

Monday 5:20 pm.  Wife gets home.  I tell her she has it from here for the next 20 minutes, as I need to take a shower. I had no chance yet to do it today (or yesterday) and I have a show that night.

Monday 5:40 pm.  Back downstairs.  At this point the kids are just finishing up dinner. My wife and I hurry to get everyone in their costumes.  My daughter on the spectrum is flying out of her mind wanting to know if it’s time to go. Holidays are really tough for her, as she gets so amped up that she sometimes melts down because she can’t handle the extra adrenaline it brings.

Monday 5:55 pm. Everyone dressed in their costumes.  Rush to get photo of everyone outside our house.  My mother-in-law has just arrived, so that helps.

Monday 6:00.  My wife stays to pass out candy, while I take my kids door to door with their grandma.

Monday 6:02.  My oldest daughter has a meltdown because she knows some people have dogs at their houses and like a lot of kids on the spectrum the sound of their bark is too much for her. She’s kind of the anti-Temple Grandin, as he has no interest in animals and especially doesn’t like one’s that are loud.  She has learned to tolerate our dog, but we do everything possible to minimize him from barking.

Monday 6:03.  I tell my mother-in-law to go on, as I take my oldest back to the house. She’s in hysterics because she so wants to go trick or treating, but she can’t handle the barking. It’s heartbreaking on so many levels, but it’s not new.

Monday 6:05.  My wife and I calm her down enough that she stops crying, but she isn’t ready to go back to knocking on doors, so I race to catch up with my twins.

Monday 6:07.  Back with my twins.  They are having a great time. First year they could really understand everything that goes with Halloween. It’s one of those special moments you don’t understand until you have kids of your own.  (Breeding haters, I’m sorry I mentioned some element of joy that comes with being a parent. Will try to refrain.)

Monday 6:50. Back home.  When I get there I’m told that one of my neighbors went out with my oldest daughter to try it again. I’m appreciative of my neighbors/friends and how they look out for my daughter.

Monday 7:00.  Continue to pass out candy.  We live on the end of a cul-de-sac, in a beautiful suburban neighborhood.  Living the American dream on the surface.  If you were to come inside our house, you would realize we are a dysfunctional family who has spent the past 3 years just trying to survive everything that life has thrown our way.  It is getting better though, because they are maturing.  This is a pretty typical day, except for the Halloween part.

Monday 7:10.  Maddie gets back with my neighbor Shawn.  She did great.  It just took her some time to get past her sound fears. Shawn is a fucking rock star for what he did to help my daughter. I fill his trick or treat cup with a beer.

My neighbor Shawn saved the night for my beautiful Maddie.

Monday 7:15.  I go inside to get my stuff together so I can make my show on-time.  My mother-in-law asks where I’m going.  I have a show in Muncie, Indiana. You have a show tonight? She’s annoyed. I get it.  I’m sure her dream was never for her daughter to marry a standup comic.  It’s not the most stable lifestyle.  I tell her that my job is a hustle and when I can get paid, I take it if the money is right for the night.

Monday 7:30.  I hop in my car to make the drive to Muncie. My car is my sanctuary from all that I have to do in life.  In my car I can listen to my Ipod and forget about the constant stress that weighs on me.  I’m listening to Greg Fitzsimmons’ Fitzdog radio podcast. I was on his podcast last year. He’s one of the best standups in the country.  Greg’s and Marc Maron’s podcasts give an insight on standup better than any others. Having said that, they both have lived a different life in standup than the one I have lived.  They have spent their time on the coasts chasing the dream and have had some great successes.  I sometimes wonder if I’ve shortchanged my career by not pursuing things the way most comics have done, but I grew up in the Midwest and feel more comfortable here than in LA or NY.

Monday 8:30.  I get to the show about 45 minutes early and 90 minutes before I hit the stage, which is generally my routine.

Monday 8:40.  Spot the promoters/comedians who booked me for this show.  Wasn’t sure this was going to be a great night for a comedy show since it was Halloween Monday after a wild weekend in the college town of Muncie. Home of Ball State University, I have done numerous shows at different venues in Muncie and I can’t recall ever having a bad show, so that bodes well.

Monday 9:15. Show begins. Don’t envy Kyle DeWeiss, who goes on first, as people slowly start to shuffle in. I’ve seen Kyle once before and he’s much better this time around. I credit this to him creating a regular comedy open mic at another room in town.  Remember what I was saying about having some hustle in your game. It’s definitely a part of getting better in the standup game.

Monday 9:30. Next comic onstage is the one who worked with Kyle in creating this night, Jake Lentz. It was Jake’s birthday and during his set his Mom called. It was a funny moment, his conversation between his Mom and him. It gave him some humanity.  The longer I’m involved in comedy, the more I realize the hidden weapon which is displaying some humanity in your act.  Not saying it has to be sentimental, but if every joke is just filled with bile, it’s hard to connect for 45 minutes. I had heard Greg Fitzsimmons discuss this when comparing Modern Family’s success to Arrested Development.  They have similar formulas and are both beautifully written, but there are some sweet moments in Modern Family which helps make it more connective to a larger audience. A little bit of irony goes a long way for me now.  I think it’s been overplayed during the past decade. Irony is the hipster version of hack.  Don’t be afraid of showing your frailties and the rawness which is your life.  I’m not saying that some comics don’t need to be vulnerable in any way to connect with almost every crowd, but there are just a few of them in my experience.

Monday 9:45.  Ryan Mast was the comic I would be following and he’s a really unique cat. He’s a young, classically good-looking guy, who always dresses onstage like he’s a member of a modern-day Spandau Ballet. It fits most of his material and he had a new bit where he read a piece from a book, which I really liked, especially since it featured an English dandy voice which fit the image he portrayed in his spiffy 3 piece suit.

Monday 10:00.  By the time I hit the stage, there were more people there, but it’s a longer, narrow room, so there was a lot of chatter in the back from non-comedy fans. This made it a little difficult to think sharply. I have battled through bad noise at many shows, with the worst part of it being it’s hard to stay focused, as the sound can throw off your timing.  I started a little slowly.

Monday 10:10.  Got into my large newer chunk about how my life is a cautionary tale to younger people about how things might not go the way you planned.  This stuff about my wife and kids you might think would not work with younger groups, but it does great because I have written it not to come off like somebody’s dad bitching about his life.  Instead, I try to make it seem more like a man who is losing grasp on his sanity from events that spiraled out of control. It’s basically pretty autobiographical of how my life has been the past 4 years.

Monday 10:25. My laryngitis is getting kind of bad. At this point I do a bit where I use a voice that I discover is harder on my vocal cords than I was aware of.  I start choking after getting the punchline out and drink some of my diet soda and try to compose myself.  I pulled out of couple bits I might have done later, knowing that they would require me to strain my voice to the point where it might put me in a coughing spell afterwards.

Monday 10:35.  In a good groove.  I’m not sure at what times these happened, though, so l will finish up this story with a few unique events that occurred from this point on.

• After my joke which features minivans and porn, a woman upfront shared with me that she works in a porn shop.  During our discussion from there, she said I should come by tomorrow and check it out, since she was working.  I thanked her and told I would take her up on that.  Of course, I would need to drive my minivan with my kids that I had just talked about.  Why are the crotches on these panties missing, Daddy?  It says Toys, but they don’t look like the kind Santa would bring.
• A guy in the crowd had a cool look to him. Half black, half something else, with a reddish toned afro. Kind of reminiscent of Wanda Sykes hair.  I started calling him the Leprechaun Lenny Kravitz.  It was funnier onstage than how it reads here. He was a funny guy himself, so we kind of riffed together.
• One joke didn’t do well which usually does better so I told the audience that I was taking that one back because their response showed me they didn’t deserve it.  I then made a motion like I was pulling it back from the air.  I don’t know why that came to me, but that is now going in my show. That new idea alone was worth doing the show.

Monday 11:10.  I get offstage.  It’s been a long day.  I hang out awhile afterwards, get paid and then leave.  I live what sometimes seems like a double life, as I am Suburban Mr. Mom during most Mondays-Wednesdays, and then go off the rest of the week telling provocative things in night clubs.  It can be a grind, but it’s the only life I know, so I’m trying to make the best of it.

After the show with Docs Bartender.