Update: How Did Our Hero Bounce Back from His Comedic Nervous Breakdown

After the show with my Comedy life coach. This was not a put-upon face, this show had actually left me with this look.

(Read Previous Story before attempting this one)

So I woke up this morning ready to get out of this Tennessee town which was home of my comedic shellacking.  I got into my car and drove 7 hours home.  I still felt pretty lousy from how the night before had went, but I started to remember details that made me feel a little better about it.  My favorite, that I hadn’t mentioned, was toward the end of my performance.  While I’m in the middle of a joke a couple guys came up to the side of the stage and were using some kind of massive plastic wrap to seal some items that needed to be brought into the kitchen.  Usually you get a light when someone wants you off-stage, but these guys were non-verbally telling me to WRAP it up.  I did mention this to the audience which got a big laugh.  Then I added that these guys were working that wrap like Dexter in a kill room.  Crickets!  Obviously not a big Showtime town.  I do feel a little better, as now reflecting back there were 5 0r 6 big laughs during my show, which is pretty good for a corporate.  Too bad none of them were proceeding any actual material I did, though, as they all followed improvisational things I did playing off the audience.

The one plus I had when driving back was that I had told a friend I would MC the Friday night bar show he was doing in town.  I was up for doing it because I wanted to work on new material, but after the show the night before which had rattled my inner being, I was really happy to climb back up on board and do my thing.  Outside of a Vegas show, I haven’t opened a show in a long time and I have to guess it’s been 12 years since I opened a bar show.  I forgot how much the first few minutes of a comedy show sucks, so the response wasn’t great.  I should have performed tried and true material, but I went there to perform new stuff and dammit I did.  While it wasn’t the soul-shattering show of the night before, it still wasn’t what I expected. I made a couple jokes at the end making fun of the area of town I was in and the audience loved that shit.  Guess what young comedians reading this?  It’s never a bad plan of attack to do a couple local jokes to get people to connect with you.  I did those at the end because I wanted my friend who was following me to have some momentum.

I have my first Saturday night off at home in a long time happening today.  I’m glad this week is over.  Standup comedy is tough.  You have to grow a hard shell.  Things had been going so well for me the past year that I guess my shell had gotten softer than a Chesapeake blue crab.  The past couple days I’ve felt like one of these crabs being ripped open by some uncaring, but ravenous people.  I’m feeling tougher again after tonight, though.  The soft shell has hardened.  I’m a Mutant Ninja Turtle again, so cowabunga motherfuckers!

Eating a Big Turd On-Stage

This is a photo from a better night. No photos will be taken of tonight's comedic abortion.

Let me start by telling you the state I’m in right now.  I’m shaking a little, I’ve got a buzz on and I feel depressed.  Good place to start, right?  I just finished doing a corporate event where I stood up onstage for an hour and hardly got any laughs. The back of the room was deafening because they had no interest in watching.  It was the kind of show where you feel totally depressed when walking off-stage.

Now why am I sharing this?  It’s probably stupid, but I try to be honest about what it is like to be a working comic.  A comic friend of mine accused me recently of trying to spin stuff on this blog.  Yeah, how dare me try to portray myself in a good light?  When no other comic I know writes anything about any of his shows.  Fuck you, former friend.  I’ve talked about dying a horrible death on-stage a couple times at this site and I rarely discuss good stuff because I know that is not interesting.  I hadn’t bombed in the past 3 months, but a corporate event in the Mid-South where they had never had entertainment and had no interest in it was the remedy for wrecking a lot of my confidence.

So I sit here about as despondent as a person can get.  The only big laughter I got was when I would pick on someone in the audience.  I do a lot of corporate events and have great feedback on them, so I know how to do them well.  Tonight there seemed to be nothing I could say except playing Don Rickles Jr. to get them interested.  When you are in a huge convention center that is tough to do, as you the microphone cord only goes so far.

(more time laying on the couch) When people are surveyed and asked what is the hardest thing they could imagine doing, public speaking is the number 1 answer.  (remember this if you are ever on Family Feud) I’ve been making a decent living doing standup for the past 15 years, so I know I have the goods.  Having said that, when I get an audience who responds only every couple minutes I feel like never doing it again.  I’m very in the moment as a comedian, so I tell the audience this. I’m not one of these comedy robots who does the same show night after night.  I acknowledge the situation and acknowledge the pain I’m feeling.  I laid down onstage and told them I knew they would be discussing the nervous breakdown the comedian had last night.  (My pain of course did bring big laughs.)

I have never been happier with my act, as it is filled with real pain and angst, but has been doing great with the audience. Instead of talking about comic book characters and unicorns, I’ve been sharing really personal stuff that has really connected with the audience.  It has worked great at corporates, until tonight.  I swear to anyone deity listening that I would quit comedy if I had another show like this. Unlike some comics, my psyche is not built to bomb.  My psyche is not built to hear people walk by me after the show and say “good try” or “tough crowd, huh?”

At one point I was discussing how I appreciated the audience tonight because I’ve been killing every night lately and I was getting a fat head, so they had done a good job of putting me back in my place.  One guy in the back (of the redneck variety) started yelling at, “come on man, you are funny, be yourself!”  Now I told him I appreciated my friend’s pick me up.  I appreciated that I had a comedy life coach in the back giving me advice like he was Tony Robbins trying to get me to Awaken the Giant Within.  He had no understanding of being sarcastic or being neurotic which I’m guessing serves him well.  The audience of course enjoyed this, but then he told me had to get up and take a cigarette break.  I replied tonight is making me think of taking up the habit.

So after the show my comedy coach tells me that I need to be myself.  You know, like Chris Rock.  He gives me some other drunken advice.  Now, my head is spinning already, so it just seemed perfect that some nitwit was going to give myself who has been doing standup for 20 years advice on what I need to do to connect with an audience.  I just listened, as I figured it was part of penance for taking a big check for the show I did tonight.  There were other people around laughing at him (and me as well), when he told me that this was just for my ears.  He then cupped his hands and whispered in my ear “Jesus is the way. All things are better through believing in Christ.”  I realized it probably was the WAY for him, as he didn’t feel conflicted with angst and self-doubt.  Jesus was going to be there for him at the end.  If my mind could only believe in things that don’t exist I could be in such a good place, as well!

Now I don’t believe in signs from God, but I did believe in things can’t get much worse at this point, so I apologized for not doing better to the great guy who hired me and I made the walk of shame to my car.  I wish I was wearing heels, holding a purse with panties hanging from it, and looked completely disheveled because I felt like a college girl who had just stumbled out of fraternity house after participating in a pledge week gangbang.

This is one of the ways I make my living.  Sounds pretty great, right?  If only the Discovery Channel would have sent Mike Roe out to tape a spectacular episode of Dirty Jobs.  This is one of the 3 worst shows I’ve ever had in my comedy career.  I thought I was past having a show go this badly, but it happened.  You want the truth unvarnished. Here it is.  I sit in my hotel room depressed and dejected.  I’m not a big drinker but I slammed 5 shots in a 5 minute period then left for my hotel room.  I know the clouds will lift and I know from my track record this was an aberration, but right now I feel super low.  I hope my friend with the generic website that only has his schedule and a few cherry-picked clips feels better that I’ve brought some honesty to my site.  I am going to leave it at this, as I want to send an email to the great guy who had the faith in booking me for this event after watching my clips and seeing all the great comments I had gotten from other corporate clients.  I guess the plus for him is he won’t have to plan the company event next year.

The only bright spot is that I had been listening on the drive down to this gig the book on CD of George Carlin’s Last Words.  He discussed doing a show where he ate it at a Playboy Club in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and had been canned by the management there.  Carlin recalled that after this show he drove the 90 miles down to Hef’s pad (at the time Hef still lived in Chicago) and told Hef about it who was at the time playing pinball with Bill Cosby.  I promise you I’m not hanging with Hef and the Cos in my Microtel Hotel room, but it was good timing that I heard a story about the greatest comic in history having nights where he bombed as well. This is not an easy way to make a living.

So remember. COMEDY RULES!!!

What I’ve Learned from My Comedy Class

With my hilarious friend, April Macie

When I decided to teach a comedy class I did it for these reasons.

• I had watched too many open mics where comedians continued to make the same mistakes on-stage that I was confident I could help correct.
• So many comics had contacted me (especially since I started this blog) asking me to help them with different parts of their standup.

Now I have been pretty accessible to comics who need help, but considering my schedule is pretty busy I thought I could be smarter with my time by telling a group of people stuff than just doing it individually.  I also have worked hard the past 2 decades developing my theories on standup, so I didn’t want to just give the stuff away.  I kind of saw it like I see standup shows.  If people pay for it, they are going to treat it with more respect.

Between what I would offer up in the classes and what I would do helping people work on specific material through email, I feel like everyone who took the class really benefited.  That is what the people who have taken the class have told me.  Now would I tell you they felt ripped off if that is what they told me at the end? No. But I do feel comfortable saying the first 4 week session has been a success by the standards I set for it.

Last night comics Dan Cummins and Shane Mauss spoke to the class.  If you don’t know who they are, you are out of the loop with standup.  They are both great comics and they both have really unique comic voices.  They are great examples of Fly Over Comedy, as Dan grew up in Riggins, Idaho and Shane is from LaCrosse, Wisconsin.  Dan mentioned to the class how he had heard Jerry Seinfeld say people who hate their jobs work 8 or more hours a day at them, why couldn’t he work on his job that he loved at least half that much?  This is one of the things that sets Dan apart from so many other standups.  His work ethic.  Shane brought up a great point about writing on things that interest him and not worrying so much about catering everything to the audience.  I think this is great advice as if you are interested in the subject, you are going to work harder developing the material on it. He also mentioned how he took a comedy class when he started and he feels like it helped him get off to the right start.

Now is the part where I bitch a little.  I know standups who are always questioning why they aren’t getting more opportunities in the business.  These same comics had a chance to take a class where they could possibly get better and they didn’t want to invest any time or money into doing it.  Even if you don’t want to be a touring standup, I would think you would at least be interested in being better at what you do.  If you want to play guitar or swing a golf club, you generally take lessons from a pro so you can skip a few frustrating steps and not develop bad habits right out of the gate.  As Dan Cummins mentioned in the class, he thinks a lot of open mike comics get into it because they are lazy people who think it will be easy. (paraphrased)  I couldn’t agree more with this theory.  I am not going to say that just hard work will make you a touring standup anymore than hard work will help you win the British Open.  What I will say though that if you are a standup or a golfer, the most successful in either profession put in the time.  (See Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers for more examples of this)

Here is the part where I want to thank my class.  There was a wide cross-section in the writing class, from people who have never been on-stage to people that have done weeks as a professional standup.  The thing that surprised me about teaching the class was how much I gained from it.  This is especially in regards to when the people in the class emailed me material (jokes) that I worked with them on.  I hope I helped them in tightening their material and providing them with tags, but what it did for me was it helped me work my comedy writing muscle.  Working on other people’s material is good, as it opens your mind to different styles of comedy.  The writing comedy class was fun and rewarding to me.  I’m looking forward to the second session, working more specifically on delivering the material on-stage.

Why Does Doing the Right Thing Feel So Wrong?

With comic Todd McComas

Do you like moral conundrums?  So this week I get a call from a club that I’ve been working on getting into for a long time. It’s an A room which mainly books big acts.  For someone like me, super fucking funny, but super fucking unknown in the market, I have to luck into a week like this.  As I always stress, there only about 45 full-time weeks a year that comedy clubs have to offer.  (some acts appear twice a year, while thanksgiving and xmas are 2 or 3 day weeks.)  This means there are only 45 comedians in all the world that will get to headline that club.  The odds are not good.

So as I said I get this call from the important booking agent for this club who asks me if I can do a last-minute fill-in at this club?  Shit yes, but…I can’t.  You see I have a show on Friday night which is a benefit for some kids charity. It ain’t paying me much and it isn’t at the Ritz Carlton in NYC, but they advertised the event around me and I just can’t do that to them.  The agent completely understood and it’s no sweat off of his sack, as he has plenty of other people who are ready to nut when they get his call.  I’m still a little stunned, knowing I turned down an opportunity for a gig that I’ve been working hard to make happen, plus the Grand I’m losing for not doing it.

Now before you go the Karma route, I’m not much of a believer on that front.  I’ve just seen too many horrible people live pretty spectacular lives to want to buy that definition.  No, my decision just came down to my moral code.  My moral code isn’t based on some book written 2000 years ago, it’s just my gut telling me what is best for me. So as ill as I feel right now, I would not even be able to sleep if I would have called the charity and told them that last minute I wouldn’t be there.  Just one of those times when life gives you an awesome opportunity which you can’t taste. How things are going, I will go to this event and Eva Mendes and Kristin Chenoweth will be there. They will be so enchanted with my act that they beg me to have a 3-way with them.  I will have to explain I’m married and I can’t partake.  Even though it hasn’t happened yet, I’m so irate just thinking about having to turn this down I think I need to grab some Tums.

God Bless America? (revisiting a column I wrote in 2001)

With my friend Ken Schultz at the Comedy Etc. last week.

Back at the turn of the millennium, I used to have a couple thousand people that had signed up to read a weekly column I would email to them. There were no blogs at this point so this was my way of writing, plus it was helping me build a following.  These columns eventually formed a book that I put out titled Dysfunctional Thoughts of a 21st Century Man. Below is one of those columns.

The column was written on September 16, 2001.  It is amazing how much you can forget about how different the world seemed at the time. It was a period of uncertainity for the United States, on a level that we have never experienced. The column I wrote discussing my thoughts on 9/11 and its aftermath has some things that I now, looking back, feel were a bit naive. I still think, though, it might bring some interesting memories about how you felt at the time and how your views might have changed.

One other thing I will mention is that when I wrote this, I receieved one email from someone who had it passed on to them that said they would shoot me in the head, if they were ever in the same room with me. A fellow comic, who I was fairly friendly with, sent me an email saying that he thought I was despicable for what I wrote and that he would do everything in his power to destroy my comedy career. I wrote this column the day before Bill Maher made his comments on his ABC version of Politically Incorrect, so after the hate mail I received, I wasn’t too shocked at the shit storm he faced.

GOD BLESS AMERICA?

Now I know this is never a popular declaration, especially now after the terrorist hijacking last Tuesday, but I am not patriotic. Outside of every couple of years, when the Olympics take place, I’m not generally filled with patriotic fervor. You might say that if I would have known someone involved in the destruction, I might feel differently. Well, let me say that my best friend since High School worked at the Pentagon and I didn’t know if he was alive or dead until late in that afternoon. (He was fine, narrowly missing being one of the deceased.)

I’m no stranger to this type of catastrophe, as my Mom lives in the Oklahoma City area. At the time of the Federal Building bombing in Oklahoma City, my Mom was working close by.

You see, I consider myself a member of the human race, first and foremost. I am not someone who automatically falls in line with what the government tells me. If I had been of the drafting age during the Vietnam War, I would have emulated great patriots like George W. Bush or Bill Clinton by trying to get into the National Guard. Translation: This war was not worth me dying for.

Having said this, the hijacking in New York and Washington DC, last week, was an action against freedom and freedom is something I would put my life on the line for. Our rights in the U.S. to say and do, for the most part, what we want are what I love most about this country. I believe this personal freedom is why we are the most powerful nation on the planet. The Muslim extremists that perpetuated and celebrated these actions are filled with hatred and fear of what freedom stands for. They are not alone in their views, though. Look at most every major conflict in the world and you will see religion at the center of it. (Ireland, Bosnia, Iraq, Afghanistan, etc.) I am not saying that religion is inherently wrong, but when it is involved in the hierarchy of the government, it leads to conflict. Hopefully, we can learn from these other countries’ examples.

What troubles me about our President is the religious overtones used in almost every speech he has given since the attack. When the President spoke to the nation on September 11, he quoted Psalms 23.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I hear no evil, for You are with me. I am not arguing that Psalm 23 isn’t beautiful scripture, but I feel it is inappropriate for the President of the United States to be reciting it in such a situation.

I am for people mourning the catastrophe any way they choose, be it prayer, meditation, or something else, but our government should not be using religious rhetoric when discussing the topic. President Bush, during one of the Republican primary debates of 2000 said the man he most admires is Jesus Christ. Well what would Jesus do (WWJD) in this situation? This is not an option for our country, though, and that is why President Bush needs to quit with the quoting of the Bible verses and speak in straightforward terms. He needs to leave the public prayer to the various Holy Men across the nation, as bringing up God and eradicating the enemy in the same sentence is confusing and in my way of thinking, sacrilegious.

The President isn’t the only one guilty of crossing the boundaries between church and state. Many were deeply moved by the unified Congress singing the God Bless America, but don’t count me as one of them. This song reminds me of the athlete who thanks the Lord for helping his team win the game. I’m sure that many radical Muslims were singing a version of God Bless America in their own countries. Remember that these suicide bombers were committed to their God on a level most of us would never consider.

This is why when I hear the terrorists called cowards; I disagree, as these men were willing to give up their lives for their terribly misguided cause. A coward to me is someone like Timothy McVeigh, who blows up a building and then drives away, unharmed. This is the interesting paradox that the words brave and coward can have, as in both cases; these men were responsible for some of the worst tragedies ever committed.

Did you know that there are 7 million Muslims living in the United States today? How would you like to be one of them? These Muslims probably will be seen under suspicious eyes the rest of their lives. I’m sure the next time I’m on a plane and see someone of Middle Eastern descent, I’ll have a heightened sense of awareness the whole flight. What horrible life they have to look forward to because of no doing of their own.

Keep this in mind, the next time you stereotype all Muslims as the same. Consider the analogy of the Ku Klux Klan, who since the beginning of their organization used Protestant religious tenets to back up their horrible actions. Does the fact that many KKK members were Protestant make all other Protestants guilty by association? Of course not. Well, then same goes for Muslims in this country and many others across the world.

Hearing the statements of Reverend Jerry Falwell who stated that gay and abortion right activists are partially to blame for our nation being bombed, further magnifies the reason why religion and politics should be kept as separately as possible. Falwell’s comments were made on the 700 Club, a program hosted by former Presidential candidate, Reverend Pat Robertson, a man that has significant power in the Republican Party. Robertson never refuted any of Falwell’s dangerous statements, which makes one wonder about the label Men of God that these two proclaim themselves to be. If either one of them were ever elected President, would they set in motion their own version of the Spanish Inquisition? Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe most religious leaders think the way these two do, but then I don’t think that most Arab leaders are happy over the actions of 9/11.

On different talk radio shows over the past week, I have heard various callers say we should just nuke Afghanistan. Well, besides the environmental implications these weapons would leave in their wake and the political fall-out it would bring to the Middle East; consider the plight of the average Afghan. These people are among the most destitute people on the planet and are controlled by such a vicious secret police that they are often afraid to breathe, in case their government leaders see it as a slight to Allah. The Taliban government that controls the country has performed public hangings of its citizens for crimes such as adultery. Girls are taught in underground schools, as the Taliban forbids public education of females. Does this sound like a country that we should nuke?

What we should do is take out the terrorist groups who threaten our safety and the governments who protect them. I realize that I’m recommending a few restrictions in our retaliatory actions against the perpetrators, but I feel the United States needs to go about things in a calculated way, or we’ll fall into behaving in some of the same ways as nutcases who started this war. It is inevitable that some innocent people will die, but if we want to keep this from escalating into a large-scale holy war, we need to error on the path of aggressive caution. We need to be patient, as a nation, in our pursuit of these rogue leaders, as it will not be a quick process in trying to eliminate these terrorists. If you think getting Osama Bin-Laden will be easy, just consider the case of Eric Rudolph.

If you have forgotten about whom he is, Rudolph was the man accused of the Olympic Park bombing in Atlanta. On top of this crime, he has been charged with three abortion clinic bombings. As you might guess, actions like these would make you a pretty high priority for the FBI. Initially, after being charged, the FBI put over 200 of their people on the case of finding Rudolph, whom they believed was hiding in the hills of North Carolina. Sadly, over 5 years since the Olympic Park bombing and 2 years since he was put on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted List, Eric Rudolph is still at large. Now investigators think Rudolph probably died in the Carolina mountains, but my point is that we have no luck finding a high profile terrorist in our own country, how much more luck are going to have finding a well-guarded, well-funded Bin Laden, in a land we know little about. Just something to consider when your anger grows over the elusive Bin Laden. As many experts on terrorism have stated, this will not be an overnight capture.

As we enter a new age of terrorism, which is driven by evangelical zeal, we should be prepared for many more heinous events. Hopefully, we will strike a balance between safety and freedom, as if democratic nations like US go overboard on the former, the terrorists will have accomplished another major victory. To rid ourselves of terrorism, we are going to have to ally with some unlikely partners such as Pakistan, China, and Iran. If you didn’t know, these countries aren’t filled with White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. It will be very interesting to see how these alliances hold together. Maybe our refrain should be God Bless the Planet. We are going to need it.

Prologue: September 11, 2011: When you publish something you wrote a decade ago, especially if it is filled with political opinions, it can be kind of embarrassing.  If I was to Monday Morning Quarterback this piece, I could nitpick a couple things, but I’m still pretty satisfied with my conclusions at the time.  I think it’s important to revisit what our thoughts were then.  That is one of the best parts of blogging. It’s like a diary of the mind helping you better understand how you were as a person at different points in your life.

My 9-11 Comedy Story

After my show in Toledo last night. This sweet birthday girl is a member of our Armed Forces. Stay safe.

We all remember where we were on 9-11.  I was in a suburb of Minneapolis at a relative’s house, as I was set that night to perform in Dickinson, North Dakota.  The whole day still seems surreal.

So I wake up to watch the towers go down on the television.  Then as that tragic morning unfolds, another plane slams into the pentagon.  My best friend was working in the Pentagon at the time, so I was really worried about his safety, on top of feeling shaky about was happening to our country.

So I call the booking agent later that morning to just make sure that we weren’t going to do a show that night.  He responds by saying,
“why wouldn’t we do a show?”  Well, because the worst event to happen inside our country’s borders just happened, I thought the country is taking a break from our regularly scheduled events.  His response was “Well, no one called me to say we are cancelling the show, so I expect you to be there.”

OK, so I begin the very long drive out to Western North Dakota.  I left a message for my friend in DC, but I get no answer.  I listen intently to the news on the radio, trying to make sense of what just happened.  I can’t believe I’m driving to a comedy show after what just happened. I know that no one is going to be at this show.  It just seems stupid.

So I get to the show that night and guess what, the place is really busy.  I guess people have a different ways of dealing with tragedy.  These people wanted some laughs.  I have never met another comic who did a show on that day.  Considering it was a Tuesday, there weren’t many comedy shows going on anyway, so I doubt there were more than a handful of professional comedy shows that night.

For people who weren’t in the business at the time, there was a lot of talk about how would comedy continue on in this climate.  Leno and Letterman didn’t go on the air for a week after it. Read this Washington Times story for an account from Dave Berg, a producer for the Tonight Show at the time, to see what it was like after 9-11 in the TV comedy world.

I did all my shows later that week.  The tour I was on finished in South Dakota on Saturday night.  I can recall there was a power surge and then the electricity went out.  Our country was still on edge.  I told the audience from the dark stage, I know we are all a little freaked out right now, but Al Qaeda does not have Spearfish, South Dakota on it’s important targets radar.  It got a big laugh, the electricity kicked back on a few seconds later and I finished a week of doing my job.  I didn’t really feel like a comedian that week.  I kind of felt more like a guy just showing up to his job.  I was just doing what I was paid to do.

My friend was not injured at the Pentagon, as he was in a different place at the time, which took some of my edginess away. Standup comedy started to gradually come back to its original self.  Remember that this was less than year after a bitter election, so I had a decent chunk on Dubya at the time.  I had to kill it for a couple of years. It took awhile for anything political to work on-stage.  Very few people wanted to question anything, as our run-up to the war in Iraq, proved.

I can remember I had a bit about how Clinton was my favorite President. It took some shots at him, but was overall favorable. I was doing a show in Daleville, Alabama in 2002 when I did that bit.  Daleville is an Army base town, so a sizable part of the audience was hostile at me from that point on, as they did not want to hear anything positive about Clinton. One woman would not let me continue on because she was going to give me a piece of her mind about how Bill Clinton was a traitor to America.  It was pretty ugly and I finished up and got out of there quickly after I did my time. I was in one of the few professions at the time where I had to change how I did my job.

Instead of watching 9-11 tributes I’m spending my time with the Jon Krakauer book, Where Men Win Glory, which helps me remember the tragic events that ensued after 9-11.  It’s about the 1 of a kind Pat Tillman.  Most of us pretended like we were ready to sacrifice after 9-11, but we really didn’t.  President Bush told us it was a our Patriotic duty to go out and shop and spend like nothing had happened.  Not allowing the World Tower collapse to impact our global economy was the way we were going to best show the Taliban they had not broken our spirit.  It still feels like a missed opportunity to really come together as a nation.

Pat Tillman, on the other hand, was a 25 year old NFL player who was just hitting his peak as an athlete.  He left millions on the table so he could go over to Afghanistan and fight the terrorists.  Krakauer’s book does a beautiful job of showing the disillusionment he went through during his time in the military.  Tillman is the type of man I would dream my son could be.  Strong, passionate, loyal, thoughtful, and not afraid to question authority.  He wasn’t perfect, but you cannot really LIVE life without being flawed.  I’m not a fan of hero-worship, but it’s hard to deny Pat Tillman didn’t fit the definition.

So I hope when you watch the well-deserved tributes to the people who were killed on 9-11, you keep in mind the soldiers that are still over in Afghanistan, too.  It’s the longest war in American history with no end in sight.  Remember the victims of 9-11, but also remember that blindly following our leaders doesn’t serve our country well.  The blank check we basically gave our President back then is one we are still paying for now and it’s hard to see when we will ever finish paying the interest on it.

Scott Long Demonstrates Acting Range

With Frank Caliendo

I’m starting my 9th season writing for the NFL on FOX pregame show.  Here is a clip from the first year of Frank’s Picks where I’m interviewed by Jay Leno (Frank Caliendo) about Terry Bradshaw.  We shot this in Pittsburgh as part of sketch where we honored Bradshaw.  As you will quickly tell, I’m not great playing a jilted gay man.  Maybe unintentionally funny.  You be the judge.  The only thing left I have to add is that I’m still battling the typecasting.

(This clip is part of a compilation bit about Terry Bradshaw.  My 15 seconds of fabulousness begins at the 1:20 mark.)

Doing Someone Else’s Joke

Hanging with 2 of the best comedy writers I know, Jeff Oskay and Dan Cummins.

Let me begin by stating this is not a Carlos Mencia blog, despite the title.  Today I’m discussing a joke that I actually bought from someone else.  Here’s the background.

I have written jokes for other people in a lot during my career.  Outside of my stuff for Frank Caliendo, I’ve just given jokes to people. Most of the time those were tags based on stuff they already had.  I’m a good joke doctor.  In 20 years of doing comedy I had never done a joke by anyone else.  That changed recently.

Earlier this year I was with my buddy Jeff Oskay and we are driving back from Baltimore.  We were replaying the shows and I asked him why he wasn’t doing a particular favorite joke of mine anymore? He explained that since he was getting divorced from his wife, the joke didn’t feel right to him now.  Now Jeff Oskay is one of the best joke writers I’ve met in standup.  He has sold some of his best jokes to a couple comics I know, which I have mixed feelings about. It’s hard for me to put a price on jokes.

A decade ago I was featuring for Michael Winslow.  At the time, his manager was touring with him to help him run his sound effects.  He liked my act a lot and said he wanted me to write a whole new act for a client of his, Gallagher 2.  Now I’m not going to get into all the details of what was going on with Gallagher 2, but his brother was in court against him making sure he could no longer do the O.G. (Original Gallagher) act.  I asked what the manager was looking for specifically and he said he wanted some of the social commentary stuff I was doing.  He wanted Gallagher 2 to be more like George Carlin.

Now, that was a big compliment, especially considering George Carlin was/is my comedy idol.  The problem was 2-fold.  I didn’t have much surplus material to give up.  More importantly if I had 45 minutes of George Carlin-type material, I would have been doing it.  Instead I might have had 10 minutes that Carlin would have ever contemplated doing and then he would have re-wrote it and made it better.  I told him this, but the manager was pretty desperate so he tried to be positive with me saying he thought I could do it.  I told him I would get back to him.  Then I started thinking what would it be worth to me if I could somehow come up with 45 minutes that was as good as what I already had.  An act that I could do for 5 years. (this is about how often I turn over a headlining set.  I’m not Carlin and I’m not Louis CK, but turning over most of my act every 5 years is pretty good.)  This 45 was worth well more than 100,000 dollars to me.

Now I’m guessing at the time that Gallagher 2 was making 200 grand a year at the time, so it wouldn’t have been too much to invest in his career, but I knew there was no way he would have done it.  I’m guessing his manager never could find someone who could produce for him, as I never saw 2 do standup again after Leo Gallagher (his brother) won the case.  Not sure I would have wanted to be known as the guy who wrote Gallagher 2 a new act, anyway, though for 150,000 I think my conscience would have been pretty clear.  I had a great idea for him to close his shows taking a chainsaw out and carving pumpkins, since the court order said he couldn’t hammer fruit. (no really, actual part of court decision) I figured that would give his fans the jolt they were looking for and it would be a satire on the whole thing, as well.

So now I get back to the joke I bought off of Jeff Oskay. He said he wasn’t going to do it and I realized it fit well with my act.  I told him I would give a 100 bucks for the joke and he said, deal.  I told him that he had a couple months to ask for it back.  Kind of reverse money-back guarantee.  So that is how I came about buying a joke.

Now doing another person’s joke is weird for me.  I can tell you the greatest thrill I have in comedy is doing a joke for the first time on-stage that I wrote and then having it work.  Now I did rework the joke, as the point of view Jeff uses on-stage is very different than the one I do, but the most important elements are all his.  The joke is does great for me, but I will tell you I always have a little emptiness after I tell it. I really want to mention to the audience that I didn’t write it, even though I own it.  I also worry that some other comic who has seen Jeff do it will think “hey that dude is stealing Oskay’s joke.”  Then he ends up telling other people I’m a thief.  You see, doing someone Else’s material can fill you with angst.  That is why I really think you have to be a complete psychopath to steal a lot of jokes and not end up killing yourself later.

Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m still doing it.  After adjusting the scenario, it fits my beautifully at the end of most of my new material about being married with twins and a child with autism.  Jeff’s version was about his wife quitting her job and her becoming a yoga instructor.  The crux of the issue with his version was how she was going to have a job that paid as shitty as his. (even if you are making a Benjamin off of one joke)  To fit my life, I deal more with how our family would be without health insurance.  Here is the joke below.  I think it’s such a great joke that I keep it in my act, despite the deal with the devil feeling it sometimes gives me.

 

Postnote: I know someday someone is going to come up to me after my show and the only thing they are going to mention is how much they love my leaving the wife joke.  It will eat a hole inside of me.  I just hope Jeff Oskay isn’t there to really enjoy it.

Doing Radio

A couple fans who heard me on radio during my last St. Louis appearance

What you do on-stage is the most important part of being a standup comedian, but there are other elements to it, as I’ve outlined here before.  When you become a headliner, doing radio shows to promote your shows is part of the salary.

The biggest mistake comics make when on radio is doing their act on the air.  There is a completely different energy to radio than being on-stage.  The most important thing I think when on radio is speaking conversationally.  The more it can seem like it’s coming off the top of your head, the better.  Most radio shows have had lots of comedians on them before, so the laughs (if there are any) are kind of canned, as the comic for the week is just another element they use like the traffic report or the weather.

The best comics on radio take over the show.  What I mean by that is they are able to riff on anything the hosts are discussing and almost create a circus-like atmosphere.  I learned from the best comedian I have ever heard on radio, Frank Caliendo.  With his ability to do so many great impressions, he can summon voices from anywhere to fit the conversation, plus he is an awesome improvisational comic, which comes in part because he’s a smart guy.  I used to tour with Frank a lot and I would tag along with him to every radio station he went to.  Most of the time I didn’t get on the air, but I met a lot of people and got a lot of experience seeing what works best on different formats.

You see, you can’t walk into a country radio station and think you can do the stuff you did at the modern rock station.  Same goes for a talk station versus a female demo-oriented show.  They have different rhythms.  One thing I try to do is to amp up my energy.  Your usually doing a 10 minute segment, so I try to blast away during that period.  It’s kind of fine line between taking over the show completely and still not stepping on toes, but I’ve become pretty good at it.  I always try to listen to a couple segments before I go on the air, so I can riff off of stuff they have been saying.  By doing that I’m able to personalize my material to the show I’m doing, which naturally makes the hosts treat you less like a guest and more like a regular.

If I’m booked to do radio or not for the club, I always try to get on a radio show on my own.  It has gotten harder and harder to get on radio, though. Combination of too many comics who have come in during the past and didn’t do a good job on air, plus sales people telling shows they can’t have comics on unless the club pays for advertising there has really made it difficult to get on the air.  I have figured out a way around that as I get on sports radio shows.

There are some real benefits to doing sports radio shows.

• They are talk stations, so they aren’t trying to jam songs in every few minutes.
• They don’t usually have standup comics on, so they are usually happy to get to see you.
• They are not as competitive with you because they are not a morning zoo doing comedy themselves.
• Their listeners often don’t get pitched standup comedy, so they are more apt to come out to your show.

These things are definitely a benefit, but there is also a reason most comics shouldn’t even try to do sports radio.  You have to know your stuff.  It’s a little like walking on the set of Politically Incorrect.  You need to have a good knowledge of a few subjects or you will be exposed.  Unlike standup, where you are the only one on-stage at the time and you can have a unique style which is less confident in tone, when you are a guest on radio you need to have to come really strong and seem confident to have the best chance to succeed.

Now there are a few exceptions to this, as a show like Bob and Tom, which works with comedians everyday, lets you be more like you are on-stage. With as many people in the studio as that show has, you actually have to sit back and let things come to you more, as you don’t want to step on others.  It’s the most important show you can do for your standup career, so it’s also the most pressure-filled.

The most important advice I can give on the subject of radio is that if there is anyway possible you can come in-studio to do the appearance, do it.  Call-in interviews lack energy and you will end up being on way less time than if you are actually in the studio.  Now if it’s a one-nighter show in a small market, don’t sweat it, but if it’s a bigger market, consider coming in a night early so you can come in-studio.  It might cost you a little more if the club won’t pay for that, but it will create some goodwill for the future.

This week I’m in the St. Louis area.  I have built radio contacts on my own from the 4 different clubs I’ve performed at here over the past decade.  I contacted both shows I did this week on my own and then spent my whole afternoon driving to them and waiting until I get on, even though I won’t see an extra penny if I draw an extra 100 people this week because of my efforts.  I feel like going the extra mile helps me in the long run build a following as a standup.  I also hope that the clubs I perform at appreciate that I went the extra mile to give them free publicity. Just like any other profession, there is good and bad management at comedy clubs, so sometimes it does seem like wasted effort from the lack of appreciation I get for this, but ultimately I know I gave it everything I could do to get butts in the seats for my week.

Growing Up with a Standup Dad

At home.

It would be interesting talking to some people who grew up with a parent that was a standup comedian.  The type of comedian like me that is rarely ever home on the weekend.  I’m guessing it wouldn’t always be pretty.  I try to make up for being gone when I’m home, but it doesn’t take away some of the guilt I have of being on the road every week.  Kind of too late to make a mid-life career change, so the Long’s are making the best of it.

To my young kids, standup comedy is no different of a job than working at the bank or being a traveling salesman, which the Daddy’s next door do.  If you don’t believe me on this, check out the video of my twins, Sam and Mallory playing.