Firekeepers Casino in Battle Creek

with Gary Fields

Sometimes as comics we get so caught up in ourselves that we don’t consider the other people involved in the business. I can name numerous examples of people who opened up comedy clubs only for the club to eventually fail and they are left broke-ass.  Just like any small business, some owners deserve to go belly up because they are incompetent, but others have things happen that are out of their control.

One of the most passionate people I have ever met about comedy is Gary Fields.  Gary was one of the initial owners of comedy clubs in the Midwest, with comedy clubs in Kalamazoo and Battle Creek.  I always appreciated when I performed at his clubs that Gary was a completely active owner. He hosted the shows and had his own comedy museum because he had a real passion for the business. He ended up building his dream club in Battle Creek, MI and it was a great set-up for comedy, with stadium seating.

Now I don’t know all the ins and outs of what happened, but I do know that being a comedy club owner in Michigan at the time when the economy is crumbling around you can’t help the bottom line.  After almost 25 years in the biz, Gary’s doors shut in 2009.  Just like how the comedy world is in the blood of many of us, Gary didn’t just walk away at this point, though, as he connected with the Firekeepers Casino in Battle Creek and has been running 2 shows every Wednesday there.

Don’t get me wrong, I have dealt with all kinds of sleazy comedy club owners during my 2 decades in the biz.  I have enough bounced checks, bounced weeks, and bounced memories to fill this site with foul remembrances.  I try not to be a bitterman like so many comics who’ve been doing it as long as I have, so instead I try to celebrate the people I’ve met like Gary Fields. The comedy world could use more owners like him.

Baby I’m a Star

Oh baby I’m a (star)
Might not know it now
Baby but I r, I’m a (star)
I don’t want to stop, ’til I reach the top
Sing it! (We are all a star!)

I have never gotten involved in anything that I wouldn’t be good at. I always expected that I would succeed as a comedian and I expected that I would move up to headliner pretty rapidly. To a certain degree, all these things happened.

What I never expected was to become some kind of comedy star.  I never had a desire to be an actor on TV. I really only wanted to be a touring standup. Since I accomplished pretty much what I set out to do, maybe I should have had bigger dreams. I guess I will never know.

One thing I have always wanted to accomplish that I haven’t is to headline a room in Vegas. I have a couple friends, Frank Caliendo and Kevin Burke (Defending the Caveman), who are the stars of big shows in Vegas.  I never wanted that, I just wanted to do what I do on a weekly basis across the rest of the country, be a really funny headliner at a comedy club–only be doing it in Vegas.  The good thing is that I have this to work towards.

I do headline a room in Nevada, the Edgewater in Laughlin.  While it’s not Vegas, it is a fun room and while I never dreamed of seeing my name in bright lights, I will admit it’s a bit of an ego boost to see your name in 20 foot letters.  It also is a great ego boost to hear you are one of the best shows of the year according to the casino staff.  When I’m worrying about how I am going to make my next 1200 dollar a month health insurance bill because I chose a profession without benefits , I try to keep in mind that there are quite a few perks to my job that few others possess.  At this point I still think I made the right decision—but I’m not sure I will say that in another decade…Time will tell.

Comedy on the Edge sign above the Slot Machines.

Planes, Buses, and Automobiles

with the wait staff after my show in Duluth, a couple weeks ago.

One of the things that most people are most uninformed about your typical standup comic is how we travel. A lot of people think we fly to most of our gigs. We don’t.  Unless you are a comedian who is a draw, you just don’t make enough money to fly too often, as travel is rarely included in our deal.  (lodging is, with very few exceptions.)

A few years back, I used to perform at a lot of IMPROV clubs, so I did fly to all those that were on the West Coast and Southwest. I enjoyed playing these rooms, as they are among many of the best clubs in the country, but I just was losing too much money turning down headlining gigs to do them.  I have changed my booking style to be close enough to that I can drive to it.

The one exception is when I perform in Nevada.  The money is good there and I like to visit, so it’s like the closest thing I do to a working vacation.  Despite it being fun when I get there, I hate what a pain in the ass is to get around.  I like traveling in my car.  It has everything I need and I don’t have to sweat missing flights, going through security, and dealing with baggage.  I try to only fly on Southwest because with a large bag of merchandise I lug around to gigs, I don’t want to get slammed a bunch of extra dough dragging it around.

My week began last Thursday night opening for Frank Caliendo at the Monte Carlo.  It is fun opening for Frank, as it’s a bit of break from headlining, plus being on a big theatre stage is cool.  Now since he does an all-ages show, it is a little nerve-wracking to do a super clean performance, but I usually only do 10-20 minutes in front of him, so that isn’t a big issue.

Now anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that I’m a real stickler for getting to a gig early.  Since I’m flying across country, I come in the night before when I’m in this situation. It was a good thing I have this mentality because this past Wednesday night we were delayed by almost 2 hours.  Right before we were to get on the plane, there was a massive hailstorm right outside the airport, so they had to recheck the plane for damage.  Since I only had an hour in between my connection in Denver, it didn’t look promising that I would make it to Vegas early Thursday morning, like I was hoping.  Fortunately there were enough people on my flight that were heading to Vegas that they held the flight.

Now when I go to Vegas I usually rent a car, especially when I end up performing in Laughlin, as well. Well, this time I didn’t because even compact rental cars were going to run me over 250 bucks. So when I got into Vegas (4 am EST), I had to find a shuttle. Since the weather is usually pretty good in Vegas, there isn’t a great overhang to protect your luggage. Did I mention it was raining. My luggage comes down the shoot and it’s soaked. So I drag my 2 big pieces of soggy luggage to the hotel shuttle area.  It’s around 6 bucks, so that’s a helluva lot better than a cab or limo.

I try to perform in Vegas during the first week of the NCAA tourney, because it is the best place to watch the games. The sportsbooks are electric.  I couldn’t book myself this year at this time, though, so I did it for the second weekend.  Between the tourney and spring break, the Strip is pretty packed.  Not a buyers market, as the best hotel price I could find on Orbitz was 200 or more.  This is where Priceline.com comes in.  All comics should use this site.  I got a room at the Flamingo Hilton for 55 bucks. Bonus happened when I checked in the Hotel Clerk told me I was being upgraded to a suite.  This suite was enormous.  It had to be at least 1500 square feet.  Kind of ridiculous for one person, as it was better suited for Charlie Sheen and his possy, (I believe he spells posse with a Y) but still it was nice surprise.

So after 4 hours sleep, I meet Frank for breakfast buffet. I love me a Vegas buffet, especially when it’s free because you are eating with the guy on the 100 feet marquee outside the Hotel. Worked on some writing after breakfast and then went to the sportsbook to check the lines.  Sat out by the pool for an hour, grabbed some dinner and went to the show.  Opened the show for Frank and then waited until he was done with his part.  Since he had a rare Friday night off, Frank wanted to drive back to his house outside of Phoenix afterwards and offered me some extra dough to join him. It was fun having the time to catch-up with an old friend.  Who needs sleep anyway, right?

So we drive the 5 hours down to his palatial estate, then I sleep a couple of hours on his couch, until he takes me to Phoenix airport for my flight back to Vegas. Part of my offer was him buying my ticket back, so I made out pretty, pretty good.  I take another airport shuttle back to the Flamingo, so I can catch a couple more hours of sleep before I check-out.  I drag my luggage back down the curb, so I can take another shuttle back to the airport.  At the airport I took a shuttle down to Laughlin. With all these shuttles, I still only dropped 100 bucks versus the more than 250 I would have been slammed on for a rental car.

Now if you haven’t been to Laughlin, the locals refer to it as God’s waiting room. Lots of old people.  Not the ideal audience to perform for, but I acknowledge this from the beginning and they seems to appreciate my honesty.  While the show does need to be a little less edgy because of the average age being around 60, these are also people who are drinking, smoking, and gambling. It’s not a church retreat.  There is a way to do sexual material without it being creepy and shocking.  I try to put something silly in these jokes which cushions the blow—job joke.  My opening act, Jen Murphy was really funny and has a similar bent in discussing how silly sex can be.  She has a charming way of discussing her contemplation of being a whore, so it was a well-balanced, he/she look at sex.

My last show was Sunday night.  We had sold-out shows the first 2 nights at the Edgewater and the last one was close to doing the same. The audience was the oldest of the week and for the people not hooked up to an oxygen tank, they could have used one.  I love a challenge so I went at them hard. It was time to work these old fuckers like I was a young Don Rickles.  I pulled out every trick I have in my arsenal and damned if I didn’t get multiple applause breaks.  I try not to be too self-congratulatory here, but let me mention this was pretty amazing.  It was just one of those nights where all my improv worked and all the pieces seemed to fit seamlessly.  I had people in their 70′s come up to me after and say it was the funniest show they had ever been to.  I had one senior citizen buy my DVD, even though he said he didn’t have a player. He just wanted to show his appreciation.  It felt good and this comes from someone who is not constructed to feel that way too often.

So I get up in the morning, take a cab to the pick-up point for the shuttle back to Vegas. I had a fun ride back, as I was sitting with a bunch of great musicians who back-up country star, Ty Herndon.  We told stories and the 90 minutes to McCarran Airport flew by.  We make our living doing something pretty different from each other, but our lives are fairly similar. I have 4 hours to kill before my flight leaves to take me back home, so here I am pounding away on this story.  I will get in a little after midnight, pick up my luggage, call the hotel shuttle to take me back to my car that I have in their long-term parking.  Should get in around 2 in the morning, wake up a few hours later and put my daughter on her school bus. Such is the glamorous life of a standup comedian.

My First Time On-Stage

I was not always a comedy superman.

When some people find out I’m a comedian they tell me they have always thought about doing standup.  I always tell them they should give it a try.  I really believe that if you do it even once, you will be stronger person for it.  There is a reason that so few comedians are successful and that is because it is a really tough to make a lot of strangers laugh. Public speaking is the number 1 phobia and you can multiply it by 100 when your public speaking includes trying to entertain drunks. If you try it even once you will be realize how easy it will be to do other things in your life.

I’m not sure if it is best to bust your comedy cherry at a comedy club or at a bar show.  The plus with doing it for the first time at a bar is that it won’t matter that much if you do poorly  or not.  Doubtful anyone important in your future will be watching you. If you pick doing it at an comedy club open mic you will have the plus of having a better environment to do your show, but you could get labeled as not worth watching if it doesn’t go well.

The first time I was on-stage was at the Indianapolis Comedy Connection.  It was a high-quality room and this was during the days when the clubs tried to make the open mic have a professional tone to it. The Comedy Connection actually paid a MC to host the show to give it some polish.  If I was to run a comedy club, I would use this model as a good host is vital at an open mic.  Too often open mics have too many unfunny comics  follow each other and it makes for a really uncomfortable time for the audience.  By having a pro hosting the show, it gives the show some stability and he/she can do a couple minutes between comics when the show hits a lull.

I can remember being nervous before my first show, but it wasn’t out of control.  I might have been a bit delusional but I was pretty convinced I would do well before I hit the stage.  I had practiced my act a lot and had worked hard to hit my time. I also had invited a lot of people so half of the 30 people in the audience knew me.

I actually did pretty well and my recollection was that I got laughs on most of my jokes.  I’m guessing if I watched a tape of this performance now (wish I had it), I would grade the material pretty good for a virgin performance, with my major weakness being I’m sure I told the material like it was high school speech.  Memorized and lacking any natural speaking tone.

Before I walked on-stage, the owner/mananger told me that I would get 7 minutes, with a light at 6.  I had timed my set, but hadn’t timed it with enough laugh breaks so when 7 minutes hit I was wrapping up my last joke, I noticed the mic went out.  I thought something had happened to it, so I nervously messed with it for a few seconds then said goodnight to the audience and walked off.  Awkward.

When I went to the back of the room, the owner asked me if I noticed that the mic had went out.  I told her yeah.  “Well that is because I told you to do 7 minutes—which means I expect you to do no more than 7 minutes.  Now you did well for your first time, so you can come back in a couple of weeks, but if you go long again, you won’t get on my stage again.  See you in 2 weeks.
Not exactly a warm greeting to the business, but it set me straight when it comes to doing my time, not more.  Later in April I will be headlining the same room that I first went up at (it’s now called Crackers Downtown in Indy).  Hopefully no one will turn my microphone off.

Why I Decided to Become a Comic

A photo I found from Myspace. Hey, remember MySpace?

The number 1 question I get is why did you decide to become a comedian?  I always loved standup comedy.  I used to check the TV guide to see what comedians would be on the Tonight Show.  If Steve Martin or Don Rickles was on, I would do everything possible to stay up to watch them.  (another of my favorites was Charlie Callas)  Despite being pretty young, I was weirdly drawn to every Dean Martin Roast, as well.

I used to save my paper route money and buy comedy records.  Since George Carlin and Richard Pryor were too profane for my house, I would plug the headphones into our wood-paneled console stereo and listen to them.  These 2 were my formative training class, but I also had comedy albums by comics as diverse as Redd Foxx, Jimmie Walker, and Cheech and Chong.

While Carlin and Pryor were great, when I was 11 Steve Martin hit like a meteor.  He was everything that a young comedy fan could want.  Silly, irreverent, and completely unique.  I wore out his records and couldn’t wait for him to host Saturday Night Live.  Around the same time, I discovered Woody Allen and his movies were revolutionary to me.  These were the days when Woody went for the laugh first (Sleeper, Bananas, Take the Money and Run, etc).  During the same period, Monty Python came onto my radar.  A mix of Carlin, Pryor, Steve Martin, Woody Allen, early SNL, and Monty Python were my main focuses.  Hard to imagine a more revolutionary time in comedy than this period between 1973-1978.

My parents split up around 1979 and despite the upheaval it created, I was thrilled to be away from the iron-fisted control by my Father.  I started to become the class clown at around this time. Now, I was never the Jackass-type class clown, trying to get laughs with crazy stunts.  I was more the type of class clown who wanted to do small things that would get under my teachers skin.  My class clown was based more on Bill Murray’s anti-authoritative character in Stripes.  I was my high school’s newspaper editor my junior and senior year.  I never had a dreams of being a standup, though, as I wanted to be the next Mike Royko or Jim Murray.

I went to college to explore my journalistic dreams and when I left the University of Iowa, I went out trying to find a writing job, be it at a newspaper or advertising agency.  What I quickly discovered was that I was going to start at the bottom, working for peanuts at some small-town newspaper or being a junior copywriter.  I don’t know what I was expecting before this, but I had no fantasies about being financially abused for years until I got my chance, so I sent out submissions to magazines–which were all turned down.  This was way before the day of blogs, so I didn’t know what I was going to do at this point to feed my creative jones.  Jobs I was looking into included working for Terminix as an exterminator, being a manager at a Honeybaked Hams, and being a claims adjuster for an Insurance Company. You know, the kind of jobs that a communications major could get.

Just when I thought one of these jobs was going to be my career path, I went to a standup comedy show.  Now I had been to a few shows, but unlike these shows, the one I’m discussing here gave me the motivation to give standup a try.  You see, I thought the MC and even headliner weren’t very good.  (the feature act was really good.) I was convinced I was funnier than these people, especially the MC.  The MC actually became a solid standup, but when I told him later on that he was my greatest motivation on getting into comedy, I don’t think he thought it was too funny.

So that is the story on how I decided to become a standup.  My dream was to write humorous things and get paid for it. I never really even thought about being a standup, though. I knew it was going to take too long to have success at journalism or the advertising world, so I took what I perceived was the quickest short-cut, going on-stage as a comedian. And that is my story on how I decided to become a comic.

Why Night Clubs/Bars Should Choose Comedy Over Music

Man is this a lot of work.

I love comedy, but besides my family, music is my biggest passion in life.  Despite this, I would choose to do a comedy night over any other type of entertainment for many reasons.  I mean just look at the photo I took of what this band needed. Can you believe all the things they require? Here’s what you need to put on a comedy show.

• A microphone and stand.

• Some basic lighting.

• A small stage.

And you are done.  Pretty easy.  Plus comedians are generally way less high-maintenance to deal with versus musicians.  The atmosphere for a comedy show is one where your patrons are focused listening to a show, so pretty much no chance of fights.  In almost 2 decades of doing this job, I can count on one hand the times I felt there was a need for a bouncer.  And the final bonus is unlike a band, you only have to pay a couple comedians, (no sound person required) so the cost is lower as well.  It seems like a no-brainer.

Scott Comedy Tip Number 43: Use Your Profanity Wisely

Forget You and Forget you too.

I greatly admire the Brian Regan’s of the world, but my favorite comedy has an adult edge to it. Since I like the money of a corporate event, I have a PG show which works well at corporates, but my favorite jokes are generally more R-rated.  I never offer up any restrictions to an opening act besides do your own material and do your time.  Especially at one-nighters, I think a comedian will need to use some language because you are at a bar.  Do you think a Scorcese mafia film would be good without profanity? Nope. It would be less than authentic.  I think the same generally goes for standup comedy in a bar/nightclub.

Here is where the advice comes in. Don’t use adult language gratuitously.  Specifically–Don’t waste your fucks. Fuck is a magical word. Even though it is used so much more than in the past, it still manages to cut through the air like few other words.  Now I am not prude, but even at my most difficult gig, I might use it 5 0r 6 times during an hour. When you use it too much you take the risk of doing 1 of 3 things.

1. You take the power away from the word Fuck.

Used in the right place, fuck is a great punch-up for a joke.  My favorite place to use it is with the accompaniment of another F word, as I love the alliteration of it.  I’ve heard too many young comics drop numerous F-bombs in just describing the elements that gets them to the punchline. (Example: So I was going to the fucking post office and the fucking person behind the desk had no fucking stamps.)  I think it is a waste.  Save it for special occasions.  I also think the word works well when you are expressing anger at something non-sexual.  Now when you are discussing sex, I think Fucking can be a little scary to some women in the audience, unless you are have playing some type of Andrew Dice Clay character.

2. Certain people in the audiences will start to tune you out.

As much as you might have become really comfortable with the word in your life there are still plenty of other people who don’t hear it much in their own.  Remember that it was only 45 years ago that Lenny Bruce was getting arrested for saying a word like this.  I think almost everyone has come to the realization that there will be some adult content at a comedy show, but if the word is constantly used, it becomes difficult to deal with for some.

3. You are going to get less work.

Some comedy clubs to have a fuck meter for opening and feature acts.  You can say it only a couple of times or none at all.  The biggest reason they do this is because headliners don’t like a comic who says it too much before them.  Of course, clean comics don’t want to follow someone dropping a bunch of F-bombs, but you might be surprised to know that edgier comics don’t like it much more.  When you follow someone who has been really profane before you, it take the edge off of your material and I’ve found that most of the audience will tire of a certain style if they watch it all night.  There is a fine art to booking comedy shows, so if you have one dirty act following another it can be overkill, unless the audience specifically came for it.

Now there are exceptions to this rule.  I think Black or Italian comics who really play up their heritage seem to own the word better. So do comics who have a strong East coast accent.  I mean if Nick DiPaolo or Martin Lawrence drops a F-bomb, it seems completely natural.  Wouldn’t work quite the same coming out of Jim Gaffigan’s face.  I also think the older you get the more the audience is willing to accept it coming out of your mouth because it is almost like the audience thinks you have earned it.  Older people who watch young comics curse a lot I think are more apt to think that comic is juvenile and not intelligent.  Might not be fair, but I think this is generally the case.

As I said before, I embrace edgy comedy. Maybe you are the next Doug Stanhope. He got plenty of advice from people telling him to tone it down and he ignored it.  It has been my experience, though, that for every comic with Stanhope’s brain there are a 1000′s who use the language without the context that makes it all work.  I just would advise young comics to use your profanity wisely.  I’m sure some of you are reading this thinking Fuck this guy. Fine. Go Fuck yourself.

Attack of the Female Comedians

In Duluth with Tiffany Norton.

I’ve noticed a trend lately where there are more and more good female comics.  I probably shouldn’t say this but, until a few years ago, I never worked with a female comic who really made me laugh besides Monique Marvez and Patti Vasquez.  I would see female comics who had things that made me laugh, but they never seemed to be versatile enough to make all types of groups laugh. Outside of Kathleen Madigan and Jackie Kashian, the rest of the chicks working the road seemed to be too narrow-casted. They were too much like Jenny Jones doing just for women shows.  Not anymore.

As I mentioned before the Twin Cities seem to be leading the way in the amount of quality comics. This is definitely the case with female comics.. Minnesota is the place that produced Maria Bamford and is where I met 2 of my favorite female comedians, Jessi Campbell and Mary Mack.  Just in the past couple years I’ve worked with other good female comics from the Twin Cities area like Shannan Paul, Amber Preston, Elaine Thompson, Tiffany Norton, and Raleigh Weld.  From what I’ve been told there are other good female comics from there, so that is great to hear. The Twin Cities has it’s comedy cliques like anywhere else, but it appears like the vibe there is way more nurturing than other markets I visit.

A lot of male comics I know are negative towards females in the biz, but I have a lot of respect for them. While you can get TV opportunities more quickly by being female, simply because of the smaller amount of female comics, trying to be a headliner on the road is way more difficult. Here are the reasons I can think why it is harder for the ladies.

• Most guys have a negative idea of female comics. It’s always been a male dominated biz, so that is the biggest obstacle. Also, a lot of married guys are predisposed to think, great, I’ve went out here to escape my wife complaining and now I have to hear another broad bitch about things. I know that isn’t fair, but it is the way a lot of guys think.
• Guys are constantly going to hit on you, especially if the female comic talks about sex at all in her act.  It’s as if guys see female comics like European men perceive American women to be. You know, sluts.  Once again, not fair, but it is the way it is.
• A lot of comedy clubs have 2 bedroom apartments they use as lodging for the comics.  I’ve been told horror stories from female comics who have been harassed by the male comics they were sharing a place with.
• It is harder for a woman to deal with hecklers. If a woman is a aggressive with a heckler she automatically comes off like a bitch.
• If you are going to have babies, good luck finding a husband who will take care of them them while you are on the road.

Authors Note: I’m sure some female comics reading this could list a lot more issues they deal with that I have left out. I also can imagine that some of you are reading this thinking, what gives him the right to even discuss this topic? Well, I try at this blog to look at the standup biz from as many angles as possible. I know that every time I list names I piss someone else off. Not trying to do that.  I listed these female comics because these are the ones I saw do at least a 30 minute set and know they can do well with pretty much any group.  I also want to finish by saying that I worked with April Macie last year and she kicked ass with the crowd more than any female comic I’ve ever worked with.  Her life has been so fucked up that she has had enough pain and struggle that she can be hilarious despite being sexy.

The Female Heckler Blues

With comedian Nickey Winkleman.

There is a new epidemic in the comedy world, Female heckling. It used to be that most hecklers were men, but I guess through the emasculation of men in our culture, we have become fearful of conflict.  Kind of like when men went to WW2, women have stepped in to fill this void. Unlike these Rosie the Riveter’s, no one asked for women to to fill this void of humanity.

When dealing with a male heckler you have pretty much everything available in your arsenal.  And generally if you slam a guy good, it ends there as just like a couple boxers who have respect for each other at the end, there is a respect earned from the knockout blow.  Not with the female heckler.  Usually these women are not used to a guy telling them off, so they don’t know how to react, except to continue on, further derailing the material the comedian has prepared.  And the biggest hurdle in dealing with a female heckler is that as the comic, you are a tightrope trying to detonate her while not going too far.

I call my method of dealing with hecklers—Aggressive Passiveness.  It is basically my genetic personality, so it comes easily to me.  My father was a man who tried to get under people’s skin. He didn’t seem to care too much if it pissed you off or not, it was all about getting a rise out of someone.  My Mom is a person who wants everyone to like her.  So here is where Aggressive Passiveness was born.

I will hit a heckler pretty hard with the hope that it will stun them, then I apologize to them right after.  Example: I slam them with some put-down, then I say something like…I’m sorry. You probably don’t deserve that. I’m sure you are generally a thoughtful person. This has the heckler’s brain spinning because despite being publicly castigated for their ill-behavior at the beginning, they are complimented at the end of my brief tirade.  It’s all about showing control, while not coming off unlikeable to the audience. Here is video of how quickly things can turn on a comic.

Just want mention a couple things about this video.

• The comic discusses how they have someone who will come in a throw an unruly person out.  Not generally the case.  Comedy clubs have door people, not bouncers.
• Just like how I don’t keep a gun in my house or car, I would never carry a guitar on-stage because I feel like my temper could make it a weapon.
• If you do break your guitar over someone’s head, at least have a joke afterward like well, see what you did.  Now how am I going to play this or I’m the Pete Townsend of comedy.

Back to female hecklers. My worst experience with one was at a weekend comedy room in Indiana around 13 years ago.  It was one of my first headlining gigs and this drunken chick was with her co-workers and she would not shut up.  She had a comment after almost everything I said, completely wrecking my timing.  I took it for a few minutes than I started to hit her back with precise little jabs.  It worked a little, but this little lady was a fighter.  She kept coming back for more, so I made her the punchline in almost every one of my jokes. You could say I personalized the show for her.  The crowd loved it.  They did all but start chanting Maximus! Maximus!  After the show pretty much everyone who worked with her came up to me and thanked me for slamming her because they said she was a bitch.  Then a man came up to me and said he was her husband.

He told me that I went too far with my show.  I responded by saying that his wife tried to destroy my show, so I disagreed. I asked if he noticed me having a problem with anyone else?  Now I’m sure he felt that his wife’s honor had been besmirched, but he said I didn’t he needed to go as far as I did. He then offered up this surprise. Well funny guy, you stay here because I got a gun in my truck and I want to show it to you. He walked out to the parking lot and I did something I recommend to anyone in this situation. Get the fuck out of there. It was a gig in a hotel, so I went to my room, called the front desk, and told them under no circumstances were they to mention that I was staying there.

Recently at a show I had a group of women in the back who obviously don’t get enough attention in their lives because they were very interested in being a part of my show.  They were heckling away, which was worse because they were in the back of the room.  I dealt with it for awhile, then I walked off-stage to confront them.  I’m not sure this is such a good idea, but when a club doesn’t police their room, I kind of feel like I need to demonstrate I’m not some figure stuck on the stage.  I’m 3-Dimensional, Bitches! So I walked back there, which caused the audience to start clapping at my action.  I began to discuss how I was planning on filing a restraining order against them so they never could come to another one of my shows when one of them threw an ice cube at me—hitting my face.  At this point the audience really turned on the women.  These chicks response to being booed was that they loved me and they thought I was hilarious.  Uh, thanks.

Such is the life of being in front of a live audience.  I realize that I could just let things slide like most comics do and just try to get through the show, but I just can’t seem to do this.  I HATE having a show where people walk out feeling like it wasn’t memorable.  It is probably some type of character flaw on my part, as I should just be willing to occasionally accept that the show isn’t going to be great—but since I’m not afraid of a conflict and I think pretty quickly on my feet, I just embrace a heckler as someone I’m going to teach a lesson to so they don’t think it’s a good idea to do it again the next time they go to a club. I’m like a Super Hero. Out on the road fighting assholes so it’s a safer world for other comics. You’re welcome.

Highway 61 Revisited

The view of Lake Superior off of Highway 61

So today I drove up Highway 61 in Minnesota to a ski resort in Lutsen, Minnesota. One of the things I love about this job is seeing places I would never had seen without a gig to get me there. Lake Superior has the least population surrounding it of all the Great Lakes and it also happens to be the most beautiful. I took a few photos of the sights I witnessed on my drive.

I grew up in Central Iowa where a Holidome is considered a major body of water, so the Great Lakes are really fascinating to me. I like the history of them and how the towns and cities on them used to be a vital element to our nation’s economy.  Now the Detroit’s, the Cleveland’s, and Buffalo’s are struggling, but I still see the charm of these cities. So I’m driving up the west coast of Lake Superior when I see an awesome light house.  A decade ago I would have enjoyed looking at it from the road, but that would have been it.  Now, I try to take in stuff like that, especially when I’m in area I might never be again in my life. So I stop to look at the Split Rock Lighthouse.

The museum was closing, but I had a chance to check out a little about the history of the Iron Range of Minnesota and how it was transported on the Great Lakes to reach the steel plants during the peak of the industrial age.  You remember when we had a true working class in this country. Let’s be honest, the American Dream was outsourced sometime in the 90′s and all the jobs now are basically service industry jobs, computer jobs or office jobs.  You know, the kind of jobs that make you feel like a man when you get home and ice your carpal tunnel.

So I continued north up Highway 61. For those of you that unfamiliar, this is the title of one of Bob Dylan’s most celebrated records. Robert Zimmerman (Bob Dylan) grew up not far from here in Hibbing, Minnesota. It’s a town of about 17,000 people and is the hometown of both Dylan and former Celtic great, Kevin McHale. Pretty amazing that a town this size could produce 2 such famous people. The only place that can compete with that is Newton, Iowa, where both the founder of Maytag, Fred Maytag built the company and Scott Long, one of America’s most beloved standup comedians hail from.

Hey, who am I trying to impress?

So I get to my room and it’s your typical Best Western type room, except the view out the back.  Now I will admit I would have enjoyed the patio a little more if it had been August instead of the 25 degrees of upper Minnesota in March, but it still is better than the typical parking lot I usually have.  Plus, nothing helps you sleep more than the waves crashing right outside the window.

Outside my window at the Cliff Dweller Hotel.

So I drive up to my show at the Lutsen, Minnesota ski resort.  It’s a beautiful place and when I walk into where I’m performing I’m pleasantly surprised to see a great stage and sound.  The gig itself was kind of hit or miss.  This was not aided by a family sitting up front which included an 18 year-old kid, his parents, and his 70 year-old grandparents.  Now when I was running a department store portrait studio, I would have loved to have 3 generations come in, but this is not optimal for my standup.  I danced around a few words and the people who work there said it was the one of best shows they had seen there, but I felt kind of h0-hum about it.  Now it was a one-man show, so considering I was going up to a cold audience, it was probably better than I give it credit for, but I’m kind of a perfectionist, so I give myself a B grade.

One thing that aided me writing this after the show is the TV options that I have at the Cliff Dweller. It is like I stepped back to 1995, as the list of the photo I have posted above demonstrates. To not have any sports channels or high-level movie channels is pretty amazing, but I will trade the view I have out my balcony.

Another view outside my window.