Making the Most of a Chaotic Situation

2010 Show in Cleveland. I am very tall in this photo.

Last night I did a local show which featured open-mikers getting up before I did 30 minutes to close the show. It was in a fairly rough area and it quickly became apparent comedy was not the reason people were there. Basically, it was a lot of drunken dudes, with a few chicks throw-in who were all about slamming down the adult beverages. And why not? It was the Sabbath and what better way to get ready for work on Monday than building a massive hangover from the night before. Basically, no respect was given to any of the opening acts, except for one comic who was so likable he could not be denied.

Now here is where I share another of my theories on standup comedy. I never judge a comic on a great crowd, as pretty much anyone can thrive with them. I call it stealing, as it doesn’t seem like you have to do any work and you still get paid. All it takes is one of these nights for an open-miker to gain the belief that they should make it their profession, as it does leave you feeling pretty great. I’ve seen amateur comics do standup for years and years, deluding themselves into continuing because they still they can capture that moment again. It’s really an illusion, as it’s  just cosmic (not comic) luck.

I don’t judge comedians off a bad show either. Well, not that much. My disclaimer is I do judge a professional comic somewhat when they perform in a front of bad audience, as I think if you are getting paid, you should at least be willing to break from your script a little to try to make the show better. Too many comics I’ve seen just give up and phone-in their performance in this situation. Even worse is when the comedian just blames the audience for being stupid or terrible. I like watching a comedian acknowledge that the show is not going well and then uses that to get the audience back on their side. Look, if the job was easy, every open miker that has ever tried doing comedy would be making it their living. It’s not.

OK, now back to last night.  I was impressed last night that all the comics that proceeded me tried their best to make the most of what was a nearly impossible situation. The back of the room, where the bar was at was deafening at times, making it nearly impossible to hear yourself think. Standing up in front of people trying to get laughs seems like one of the most difficult things to do for most people, but it reaches a whole different level of near impossibility when you can’t hear yourself think.  It is an important experience to go through as it helps you understand if you have the nerve to do this job. Hellgigs are part of the profession, especially in the early days. Being able to quickly get an audience back on your side and demonstrate that you can roll with the punches and not be robotic to your material is all part of moving on.

Fortunately, I don’t have to do many of these gigs anymore, as I have enough good gigs offered to me that I can fill my calendar with them. Since I don’t do them that often, I really don’t mind hellgigs. It brings a different energy to my performance because I’m filled with a mixture of rage and apathy for the audience, since I have little respect for them. By having these feelings, I feel free to let it fly with pretty much all the vitriolic thoughts I can spew about them. When a comic brings enough passion and confidence to these type of insulting comments about individual audience members who have established their asshole tendencies, well I have found they usually not only turn the show around, but they kick ass. It’s not the type of thing that makes you superstar on TV, but it is a nice tool to have in your chest and never fails to make me feel good afterward.  It almost gives me a feeling of beating up the bully who took advantage of some nice people. (see earlier comics) I know this sounds like an inflated view of things, but I’ve had many comics compliment me after one of these flame-throwing exhibitions. Last night was one of these nights. Oh and did I mention that the table that was causing the most problems during the show were so engaged by the end that they yelled “NO, KEEP GOING”, when I told them that was my time. I responded by saying my work was done and left the stage.  Not what I like to do on a regular basis, but it is good to keep my standup survivalist stage instincts in-shape.

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FINAL NOTE

You might wonder why the bar didn’t kick the people out? Well, almost every bar patron was not there to watch comedy. Pretty much the only people who were politely watching the show at the beginning were the comedians. For the most part, open-mic comedians are kind of like people who go from bar to bar singing karaoke. They just drink soft-drinks or water and the bar would go broke if they tried to cater to these performers.  So nothing was said except could you be a little more quiet to the audience and that was pretty much all that could be done.  If rooms like this are going to succeed, the bar has to decide if their patrons want to see comedy and show some respect or if they would rather just be a bunch of rowdy drunks. I will be interested in seeing how this scenario works its way out.

Not Following the Script

St. Louis in 2010. Not all comedy club bartender's look like this.

One thing that really irritates the shit out of me is watching a comedian use a reference that the audience doesn’t relate to. For example: A comedian doing a joke about White Castle hamburgers when they aren’t even in that area. Most of my references work everywhere, but sometimes when you perform in a smaller city/town, you have to make sure it’s going to play.

One of my opening jokes is about Target. I’ve been doing the joke for a long time and recently I’ve added some new stuff to the bit to make it even stronger and smarter. The biggest reason I haven’t gotten rid of it, though, is because it connects so strongly with women that I get them on my side early. I will discuss the subject in more detail on another day here, but let me just offer up that it’s vital to get women on your side when doing comedy. Occasionally, I come to a place that is so isolated that they don’t have a Target. I was in Marietta, OH last night, right on the Ohio River and asked the young woman working the door if there was a Target close. She said there was one in Parkerburg, which was about 20 miles away.  Cool. I can do the bit.

So I’m on-stage and I mention that during my free-time today, I put on a red-polo shirt and a pair of Khaki pants and then went into the Parkersburg Target to mess with people.  The audience did not respond with laughter, but with “hey, there is no Target in Parkersburg.” Oops. I’m on the stage for 2 minutes and I had already lost the trust of the audience. I figured to just fess up. I said I had asked if there was a Target in the area and (pointing to the door girl) “this slut told me yes because she must love to make comedians look like an idiot.”

Sure, that might have been a little harsh, but considering I was going to be up in front of these people for another hour, I figured a little public shot was fair for not giving the proper info. Most of the audience laughed and I continued to bring up the Parkersburg Target throughout the show. If you fuck-up, I think the best method to diffuse it is to just acknowledge it. A lot of comics can’t admit there mistakes. While being self-deprecating generally is a mistake on-stage since you need to appear like you are super-competent at your job, if you screw-up, embrace it and show how you can use it for your advantage.  COMEDY LESSON 27 is now over. Class is out of session.

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Wanted to mention that the show last night in Marietta was sold-out. Over 130 people at the show. I can’t tell you how many major cities I’ve done shows that didn’t have half that many people on a Saturday night. It was a good show, though they had a problem with the lighting. I had mentioned in a recent column about how important it is to have good lighting, as facial expression is vital. The show went well, but I feel like the audience would have exploded if they could have seen my face better.  Hopefully, next week the room will take my advice and add this important facet to the show.

A Man Named Goober

With my friend and best MC in West Virginia, Larry.

I try not to stereotype places that are different from what I know since I grew up in a small-town in Iowa and have always hated when people from the Coasts do the same to my home state.  I try to not to make fun of white trash too much, since my Mom had me when she had just turned 18 and the only person in person in my family that had went to college was my uncle.  Oh, but West Virginia, you can make it so hard some times.

I was in the Mountain State last night and had a fun time as usual. While you don’t run into a lot of hipsters, the audiences are generally very warm and looking to have a good time.  The host of the show, Larry, is a very gregarious guy who spent 40 years in radio. He does a great job of creating energy and the feature act, Larry XL (yes another Larry) is a solid comedian.  While the audience usually can be a little unruly, last night it was almost a little too laid back, but it was overall a good show.

A big reason I created this site was that I do so many shows that they begin to blend together and there are moments most nights that I wanted to remember. Last night before the show I met a man named Goober, who had a heavy Appalachian accent and might have had 5 teeth, total.  If he appeared in a movie that took place in West Virginia you would have thought the producers of the flick went way over the top in his characterization.  He seemed like a nice guy and at least last night seemed to be following his bliss, so I’m not here to attack. I just felt like saying “Dude, pull back just a little bit. The accent, the teeth, the name…I mean you are a walking stereotype of a West Virginia joke.” Instead I just let it go, as I find my bliss attacking celebrities who have way more fame than talent, not us regular folk who are just out to have a good time.  I can’t say that this would have been the case 2 decades ago, so maybe I’ve matured a little.

The Goldmine!

Courtney Kay Meyers at the Goldmine

I hear a lot of open mike comics bitch about not getting the chance they deserve at their local comedy club. It is true that some clubs cultivate an atmosphere where original voices in standup can thrive, but that usually happens in cities where hipsters abound. (See Minneapolis, Seattle, Austin, etc.) Realize that a good portion of this cultivation is encouraged because the clubs/rooms are making money off of it.  Don’t forget that commerce will always trump art in this biz, because you can’t afford to pay your bills solely on artistic merits.  Instead of bitching about not getting enough time to really stretch your comedy muscles, newer comedians should try to do their own shows at a bar, get their friends to attend, and really see what it’s like to do 30 minutes.

Courtney Kay Meyers is a young Indianapolis-based comic who has created a few of her own open-mics around town.  It gives her a chance to go up on-stage each week and she runs the shows well. Too many open mics are run haphazardly, as no one wants to tell other performers they need to do their time and not do a really raunchy act.  Courtney runs a pretty tight ship and does something smart in paying a local pro to close the show.  Her budget isn’t a lot, but it makes it worthwhile for a pro to come to the Goldmine on a Wednesday. By having a professional comic close the show, it leaves the audience with a a bunch of laughs at the end, which might not have been much of the case earlier. (I know I’m dancing around it, but depending on who is on the lineup, watching 10 open mikers can be a difficult task. Nice to close the show out with someone who makes some money doing it on at least a semi-regular basis. Fortunately at the Goldmine there was a nice variety of talent, so it wasn’t one of those chuckle-less shows.)

Last night one of the comics was a young Pakistani guy, who was on-stage for the first time. Stage virgins are important for most open-mikes because they will bring their friends to come out and see them. After awhile, your friends get tired of the whole open-mic exercise, but the first time they do a great job of showing up and supporting you.  The comic that followed him is a pretty funny guy who I like, but he has a self-destructive tone and lashed out at his group with one bigoted sentence.  (You know who you are and you are better than that) I like racial humor, but if you are going to dance that tight-rope, you better be funny doing it.  Well, after he got off-stage most of the Pakistani’s friends got up and left, right when I was going up on-stage.  After getting a couple opening jokes in to make the audience that was left know I was going to be funny, I asked the remaining group of the comedy virgin’s friends what was their ancestral background?  This is when I found out they were Pakistani.  I told them I was a little nervous telling this joke, but here I go as I went into my bit on how to end the war in Afghanistan with the Taliban.  The joke is how instead of dropping nuclear bombs, we should drop Jager Bombs on the Taliban. I act out how I think the Taliban would respond to it. It’s an edgy bit to do, especially in front of a group of Pakistanis, but they loved it and so did the rest of the audience. Why, because it’s fucking funny. I know this is egotistical, but if you are going to say provocative things, make sure they have a little intelligence and more importantly, make sure they are funny. You are a comedian, not a radio talk show host. Oh and after I ended that joke I said, “Thanks. In my comedy I try to bring the racists and the races together.” Nice new comedy catch-phrase for me!

Working with Someone Who Wasn’t Professional

With one of the managers in Canton--Good times

The club I was booked to play in St.Louis last week, shut their doors after NYE, so I picked up a last minute gig for Saturday in Canton, OH.  It was at a really nice ballroom in a golf course and the place was packed, with them turning away as many people as it held. It was designed to be a 2 headliner show with both acts doing around 50-55 minutes.  The first headliner did not do well, barely did 40 minutes and ejected from the stage to sell his merchandise during the intermission.  Comedy is best done with each comic following each directly, but with the newer smoking ban that many states have, many one-night shows are taking a ten minute intermission between sets.  Not crazy about it, but I do understand.

I would rather just have an opening act do 30-35 minutes and then me do close to an hour,. It is my belief that no comedy show ever gets better after 90 minutes, and most of the time the peak of the show is between the 25 minute to the  75 minute part. There is a reason most Hollywood comedy movies are 90 minutes or less.  What did bother me about the other act was that he was getting paid for doing 30-35 minutes less than me, because the manager of the gig wanted me to do longer to make up for his ass. (no problem, time-wise) And if I was pissed off enough that he did almost half the time I did but made the same money, this guy also sold stuff between the show, so he could leave back home when I got on-stage. REALLY UNPROFESSIONAL.

Selling merchandise is an important element of making enough money to survive in the standup biz.  At worst it will pay for your gas and on a really good night you might make as much on it as you will get paid for performing.  By this dude selling between the show, he undercut me, as people had a chance to buy his stuff before I even had been seen.  Don’t get me wrong here, I always encourage opening acts to sell stuff after the show, as I know they are making less than me and  know how important it is for them to make some extra scratch. Here are a few things opening acts should know on that front.

• Don’t undercut my price. You might not feel like your CD/DVD is worth what the headliners is. I get that, but that doesn’t mean you should sell it for less.  What that does is cause audience members who want mine to say “hey, he (opening act) is selling for 5 dollars less, how about you selling it to me for that price.” It’s not like I can respond with “hey, you know mine is worth 5 more bucks than his or you would be buying his CD otherwise.” If you feel that you are ripping off the customers by charging 10-15 dollars for your DVD/CD, well then you shouldn’t be selling it in the first place.
• Don’t set up in the prime selling area.  Since I’m generally the headliner, I get off-stage last, so the opening act has time to get their stuff all set up.  That is fine, but don’t set up your stuff at the table in the first-see position.  Not trying to swing my dick around here, but I just finished doing close to double the time you did and should have been the main focus of the show, so give me that little respect.  If the opening act is better than the headliner let me mention that it won’t stay that way for long, as standup is a pretty fair business when it comes to being performance based.
• Don’t sell too much stuff.  I will be the first to admit I sell a lot of stuff.  While I support the opening act selling too, selling more than a couple shirts and CD gets to be too much of a  flea market on the way out.  Recently I did a show where the opening act sold 4 t-shirts.  Where most headliners would have just been pissed off about it all week and quite likely would have said something to the booking agent about it, I confronted the guy about it the first night.  I didn’t tell him that he couldn’t do it, I just was honest with him and said I thought it was overkill.  He continued to sell all of them the rest of the week so my comment didn’t make much difference that week. Between the 2 of us, I think it looked a little ridiculous, but it was his choice.  I’m not using the comedian’s name, as I’m not here to slam other comedians and I never said anything about the subject to anyone else, but I will tell you I would never ask for him to be my opening act again.  One day here I will discuss what makes a good opening act, but don’t think that your behavior off-stage not being part of it.

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Canton, Ohio is home of the NFL Hall of Fame. As a kid, it was my number 1 destination dream spot for a vacation.  We never went because my Dad didn’t see the vacation being something that a child should be part of the planning process for.  About a decade ago, I was performing in Akron, so I drove down to Canton to see the Hall of Fame.  Maybe I had too high of hopes, but it was kind of a let-down.  The first thing you notice is the exterior of the building is lame. 1960-70′s architecture, like it was designed my Mike Brady before he met Carol.  I’m a history buff, so there is some cool stuff in there, but overall it doesn’t live up to what you might hope. Maybe it’s been much improved over the past decade, since I’ve been there.  I hope that is the case because Northern Ohio is a great place to have the Hall as there is so much football tradition, despite the Browns bringing none of it over the past few decades.

What I Would NOT Do If I Owned a Comedy Club

Tim Cavanaugh is one of the best people I've met in the comedy biz.

A follow-up to my last piece on If I Was to Open My Own Club… I’ve been in the business for almost 2 decades and I’ve seen quite a few clubs come and go.  Here is what I wouldn’t do if I opened a club.

• Build in a high-rent area.
• Spend a lot of money on the interior of the club.

These first 2 go hand-in-hand. It’s not a dance club you are running. Find a location in a decent area of town with lots of accessible parking.  Your biggest competition in my mind are movie theatres, so try to make it similar in admission price. Your advantage then becomes the audience having a better time at a live show than pretty much anything a comedy movie can offer, plus they can catch a buzz if they want. I also have found that when a club is too nice the audience can get a little too comfortable. Kind of like a rock club. Being a little grungy gives it character and I think also inspires the customer to drink more.  **Only exception are the IMPROV-type clubs, who I think are as much about their food as their drinks. You better have deep pockets to open one of these clubs up.

• Have a gambling or drug problem.
• Have no people skills.

It might seem like this would be logical, but I’ve run into multiple former comedy club owners that had super addictive personalities. Hard to pay your light bills when the first person you need to pay is your dealer or bookie. These types are also addicted to being the center of attention. This is not why you open a comedy club. If you are such a narcissist that you want to be the center of attention, become a comedian. Plenty of us have that problem, which is why we would be lousy running the club.

Treating the comics well is important as an owner, but it is even more important to build a staff that respects you and works hard. I’ve seen plenty of comedy club staffs that hate the manager and owner.  I can remember working for a restaurant where I felt the same way and let me promise you that is not a recipe for financial success. It seems simple to gain the respect of your staff, but it doesn’t happen enough.

• Don’t spend any money on sound and lighting.

This is a huge mistake. I’ve been to clubs that spent lots of money on a beautiful bar and then had shitty sound and horrible lighting. The number 1 problem I think most one-nighters have is bad lighting. You might not think that is important, but seeing the facial gestures of the comedian is vital. Let me put it this way: If you were flipping around on your TV and came across a movie that you found the plot interesting, but the lighting made it difficult to watch, would you stay with it? Oh and tip to younger comics. Even if the light is really bright in your eyes, don’t step away from it and stand in a darker area.  Like in Poltergeist, go to the light, Carol Anne! Go to the light! I’ve seen confused comics wonder why they weren’t doing better and more than any reason it had to do with their face not being illuminated.

• Encourage comics to drink during the show and after.

Some places encourage the comics to do a shot on stage as they think it will cause the audience to do the same (increase the ticket average.) Maybe it will, but it is bad precedent to set.  Performing on-stage takes mental agility and I’ve seen only a couple comics who were consistently better drunk.  Not to say that many comics aren’t  helped by having a little libation lubrication, but not getting shitfaced. There is a fine line for an audience improving because of the same alcohol help. A little is good, a lot is bad. Late show Saturdays are notoriously tough for comics as it is usually the most drunken audience.  Not much you can do about that, but it is definitely not helped by encouraging the audience to become bombed.  Recently a club I did came up with a last ditch effort of a 20 dollar ticket, which included all you can drink.  Glad I wasn’t booked for those shows. The club is no longer open.

I find less and less comics are alcoholics. Sure the life lends itself to it, but because there is no shortage of comics who need work, getting bad reports have caused more comics to stay sober. I’m no teetotaler, but I don’t stay after shows and drink with the staff very often—because I know that I’m only a man. Made of flesh and blood. Only trouble to be found. Getting my drift? Having said that, I know that by not partying with the staff has hurt my career at a few clubs, as positive reports sometimes come more from the personal relationships you build with the staff more than what you do on-stage. If I was a club owner, I would give the comics drink tickets. 2 per show.  That is enough. If a comic wants to blow their money on getting bombed at the club, let them do it, but don’t encourage them to do it on your dime. (I know this will piss off some comics. Sorry. Write your own blog on the subject if you want to argue the point.) Related subject: Comics drinking with staff and fucking the waitresses.

• Charge the comics for soft drinks and food.

I’m not kidding when I say that I’ve done shows where the bar/club charged me for a Diet Coke. That is fucking ridiculous.  How much is that going to cost you? 10 cents.  It is rare when there’s free food, but here is why I think it should be given to comics. It barely touches the bottom line, but gives the comics a feeling of good-will towards the place. If you don’t want to give away steak dinners, fine, but offer up the sandwich/salad menu or say up to 10 dollars of free food and the rest is on the comedian. Most of us are not getting rich, so every little bit helps. I rarely eat at comedy clubs or one-nighters because I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend 14 bucks on a meal that is costing them less than half. I was a kitchen manager, so I know how much food costs are, so I would rather eat fast food and save my money so I can buy some nice stuff for my kids at the end of the month.

• Not policing the room.

I get that the economy is not good and it is really hard to get people to pay for live entertainment.  Having said that, if you let rude audience members wreck the experience for the majority of the crowd, they are not as likely to come back.  You need someone with some skills to deal with rude people, not just some new waitress who is worried most about her tips. A great comedy club setting is one where it is collective group of people all doing their jobs to make the show the best it can be. This is the best chance for a club to have an atmosphere where everyone thrives. I’m not one of those business consultants who says that all it takes, but it definitely will help.

• Papering the room on the weekend

Papering the room means giving away free tickets. A few freebies is okay, but if give most if not all the audience free tickets on a weekend show, well then, you are fucked. It’s not a long-term business model. Also, when an audience gets a freebie that makes them believe that the comics can’t be very good. I can see in a full-week club papering the room to get people through the door on a weekday night, but definitely not on an early show on the weekend.  I have seen too many rooms do this that ended up closing and if they were competing with another room, they might have wrecked the market, as people don’t like to go back to paying when they’ve gotten it for free.  For other examples of this rule: See Napster and Paris Hilton.

• Only Book Comics you like
• Don’t worry about who works with each other
• All booking agents are the same so go with the cheapest

If I owned a room, I would definitely bring in some headliners that I like even if it I thought the audience wouldn’t love them. Maybe 4 or 5 times a year. I would bring them in on weeks I thought we would be busy no matter who was there.  The rest of the year I would bring in comics that I know would do great with the audience and make me enough money to keep my club open. Not hacks, quality comics, but maybe not the ultimate artist.  I would also book middle/feature acts who would compliment the headliner. It’s amazing how often that part is not considered. As long as the feature act does their time and their own material, I don’t really care what the preceding act does, but a lot of headliners don’t mix well with but just a certain type opening act.  That should be considered.  Sure someone once booked Jimi Hendriz once opened for the Monkees, but it doesn’t mean it made any sense.

Not all booking agents work for all clubs. Example: If you are a booking agent based on the West Coast, you probably don’t have a great idea what is going to work in the South or Midwest. I can remember working with a Hispanic comic who had just been on the Tonight Show. The city I was in had a small Hispanic population and his material ate it all week, as he was performing for Whitey. Same goes for some NYC act who spends 10 minutes on riding the subway or living in a high-rise apartment. Find an agent who knows your region. The booking agent that brought the Hispanic headliner to suburbia had been to the club once in 15 years.  Sure our culture is becoming more similar with the net and cable TV, but there are still some real cultural differences that make a big difference in some markets, especially in the South.

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I’m sure there are other things that I haven’t offered up,  but this is the list I could come up with off-the-top of my head.

If I Was to Open Up My Own Club…

Posing with Goonies owner, Mark Klampe

I would follow the template that owner Mark Klampe has at Goonies in Rochester, Minnesota. Let me begin by saying Mark is a standup guy in every definition of the word. He works hard and has a small, but quality restaurant/bar on the first floor, with the club on the second floor. It’s hard to make comedy work on any night besides the weekend, so to maximize your space, it really helps to not just have to count on the weekend to make your complete nut. Mark’s wife, Jasmine is also part of the management team and even his feisty, comedy-loving mother-in-law is working the door on Saturday.  By being there all the time you not only save on paying someone else to be the manager, but you can keep an eye on your employees not stealing from you. (I think the Goonies staff is great, so this isn’t a shot at them.  I’ve waited tables, bar-tended, been a kitchen manager, so I know what most restaurants are like and employee theft is part of the biz.)

I would be wary of opening a club in a major city for these following reasons. The rent is too high.  It is really expensive to advertise in a metro area of a million or more.  Most importantly, you are competing with too many other entertainment options. In a smaller city you are usually the major show in town on the weekend, as the major music acts hit your town on off-nights from their big shows.

This next reason isn’t too try to drive the price down for comics, but it is a simple fact.  When you bring in big name headlining acts, you are taking a bigger risk hoping to capitalize on a bigger reward. If you are the only comedy club in town, you don’t have to bring in draws, as people who want to laugh and see a show have just you to visit.  Some clubs bring in comics who have been on comedy central and expect that will draw people. That seldom works as the Comedy Central acts who really draw like Jim Gaffigan, Daniel Tosh, etc., play theaters . The majority of comedy central presents acts just aren’t going to draw you many more people than a comic without these credits.  Not saying they aren’t funny and worthy of being seen, just commenting on why pay more for these acts when they aren’t going to bring you any more money than someone like me?  It used to be getting that spot on the Tonight Show was a guaranteed star-making event, but in the world of 300 channels, Netflix, and You Tube, it just doesn’t give you the bang it used to.  Don’t misunderstand me, I would love to be on a late-night talk show or a comedy central special, but I doubt it would do much in regards to making me a draw.  I’ve had a number of comics open for me who have comedy central credits and there was a reason that they were opening for me.

There are a few markets currently out there that currently don’t have any standup comedy, but seem ripe for a club like Goonies. (See the Quad Cities, Buffalo, Evansville, South Bend, Eau Claire (WI), Lincoln (NE), Springfield (MO) and these are just the one’s in the areas that I can think of.) While these cities might not all have the same type of audience intelligence and economic prosperity that Rochester has to offer, they all have had successful comedy rooms at one time and seem to be ripe for a new attempt.  I know it’s more prestigious to start up a comedy club in some major city bringing in the talents of comics from each coasts, but that is a tougher road than zeroing in on a under-served market where you instantly get attention from the local media because they don’t have an IMPROV troupes, touring theater productions, and lots of big time comics and musicians performing at the local theater to publicize.  Now I want comedy clubs to thrive in every sized market, I just know where I think the best chance of that happening is.  Ultimately it takes more though than just opening a comedy club in the right place, it takes someone like Mark Klampe who works hard and has good instincts for the business. After a weekend of playing in front of sold-out crowds at Goonies, it sure reinvigorates you about the business.

Standing with the rest of the Goonies show, comics Gains Kelly and David Drake.

One Bad Apple Tries to Spoil the Whole Batch of Girls

This very cool senior citizen was at the show and had no problem with my act. So There!

I’m going to be a little vague here on time and place but want to share a story of a recent show.  I was doing a comedy tour which was packaged with me finishing at a weekend comedy club.  The Thursday night had me performing in an incredibly small little midwest town. We are talking about 1000 people, which is the smallest place I’ve ever had a gig.  The room though was good, as the bar has bands play there on the weekend, so there was a good stage and sound.

A couple hours before the show, I stopped to check-in and a woman at the bar asked if I was the comedian. I spoke to her for a couple of minutes and she seemed like a bright, but brash woman.  The profession she was in (she told me) only backed up what I thought about her. She told me that she was planning on bringing her 15 year-old son and wanted to know my opinion on that. Here’s verbatim what I told her.

I’m sure he would be able to handle it fine, as my show is PG 13, but I would prefer you didn’t have him come as some people there would feel uncomfortable hearing some of my material that they didn’t think a kid should hear.

I wasn’t surprised that she brought him because she isn’t the type of person who gives a shit about anyone but herself.  They were sitting smack dab, right in the front row. (where did smack dab originate from?) In this tiny town, there were over 50 people in the audience and they were all great, well except for one.  This bitch (and when I say bitch I mean as in the C word) would not shut her yapper. I went at her a few times, but tried to be gentle as I didn’t want to disembowel her in front of her family. (The rest of her family, who were actually of age, were there as well.)  The show went great and only one person from in the audience did not come up to me after the show and tell me so.

So I’m sitting at the bar after the show talking to a couple people, as there was only a few still there. At this point, the drunken mother came up to me and started to yell at me for being a “Liar!” One audience member tried to respond to her, to which she told my defender to shut-up, as this has nothing to do with you and no one wants to hear what you have to say. I responded with “you can come at me, but you don’t have to be vile to anyone else.”

This continued on for about 5 minutes, with the drunken mother saying worse things to me than anything I said at my show. I told her that no one seemed to have a problem with my show, which she said was a lie as her family was offended by my act.  I responded to this saying I found that hard to believe considering her husband and son came up to me after the show and bought my DVD.

She just kept getting angrier saying how could I say my show was PG-13? I told her that I did nothing that couldn’t air late-night on Comedy Central.  She told me if I needed an extra 10 dollars so much (the cover charge), she would have given it to me. I told her the truth that I would have made the same money if 1 or 100 people were at the show, as I was paid on a flat fee.

Now you might ask why I was so calm with this raging witch? Well, I realized that she was a major customer of the bar/restaurant and didn’t want her to become so hateful that she didn’t ever come back again.  I finally just walked out to my car and the owner came out to apologize and say that numerous audience members had discussed how much of a bitch she had been during the show and wished I would have went at her harder. He thanked me for keeping my cool.  A decade ago I wouldn’t have, but having a family has given me more perspective on my actions and how I’m in this comedy biz for the long-term.  I defended myself enough to keep my own dignity, but walked away after I could no longer hold my temper. Call me Zen Buddhist Scott.

My Favorite Type of Gigs

New believers in the Scott Long comedy religion.

You might find this surprising, but my favorite gigs to do aren’t at comedy clubs or opening huge theater shows, it’s doing a one-nighter in a small city where comedy hasn’t been on a regular basis. Specifically, I’m speaking to a place where the audience’s are excited about standup comedy and see you as the biggest deal in the town for the night.  I started doing standup right as the comedy boom was dying from the over-saturation of comics appearing on cable TV. (see early 90′s) I never was part of the business that featured groupies, opening acts even making big money, and owners cutting up lines of blow in the backroom. Never got to enjoy that party.

Almost everywhere I perform, the audiences are a bit jaded to standup, as it’s been there in some form for 25-30 years.  Not blaming anyone, it’s just the way it is.  There is some type of social contract that you are committing to every night and that is the comedian is bringing some laughs which the audience is expecting since they chose this over going to see the latest Adam Sandler/Ben Stiller movie.  The only time it is not that way is when you perform in a place that has audiences who haven’t gotten much of  a chance to experience standup comedy.

Last night I was in Galesburg, IL.  It is a blue-collar town of about 30,ooo people, located between Peoria and the Quad Cities.  This was their 4th week of doing standup in a small city that has never really had a regular comedy room.  The place where it takes place is called the Cherry Street Restaurant and Bar. They have a separate side room which is walled off from the bar. It’s a beautiful structure and despite some sound glitches, a good set-up to do standup.  There were around 80 people at the show, which is a very successful Wednesday night at any club in the country, let alone in Galesburg, IL

There is no way for me to discuss how good I am at my job without coming off like an insufferable bore, but I will say I know my place in this business. I would call myself a superstar in Triple A comedy. Outside of a couple places, I’m not a draw, so I can’t command big money, but I know from my reactions that audiences dig my shit.  Being a super star in Triple A is rewarding on many levels, but I’m no comedy rock star.  Every once in awhile, I get to feel like one. Last night in Galesburg, was one of those nights.

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Carl Sandberg Mall in Galesburg

Galesburg’s most famous son was poet Carl Sandburg. It is not the type of place that you expect one of the greatest poets to come from, but the city has named a major street after him and more importantly, their Mall! Sure some poet’s would want a Nobel Prize for Literature, but I would prefer to put my name next to a K-Mart to celebrate my writing ability. You might remember the poem I’m most famous for;  I’m a poet, and I didn’t even know it. Moving and tender at the same time. 

On the subject of K-Mart.  How are they still open?  When I grew up, it was big news the day that my town of Newton got a K-Mart.  That was 35 years ago, though.  Wal-Mart won the discount store battle a long-time ago and with the advent of Dollar General, Dollar Tree, etc., I just don’t see where K-Mart serves a purpose anymore. Have you been in one lately? It’s like having your own store.  What’s scarier is they sell food. Shit has been on the shelves for decades. K-Mart at this point is a food fucking museum.  Dust a product off and discover, “wow, New Coke, didn’t know they still made this.”  These are the type of world issues that keep me up at night.

Did You Ever Have a Party and No One Showed Up?

With my high school friend, Jason Brady.

Like most comedians, I can become frustrated by some booking agents.  Sure they sometimes make too much money on the gigs they book and yes, there are times where you feel like you should just do it on your own.  I generally don’t feel like that for too long, though, as I’ve booked enough shows to realize they are way more stressful than I would prefer.

I chose to discuss this subject after my show last Friday night.  I headline clubs in most of the major cities in the midwest, but oddly, I don’t in the place I grew up, Des Moines.  I’ve had a lot of friends ask when I would be doing shows in Central Iowa, so I figured I would put on my own show.  My high school friend, Jason Brady, was kind enough to offer me use of his banquet room that is part of the golf course his family owns. (Toad Valley) The first show I did was a little below expectations, but I had enough people show to make it worth my while financially.  I know it sounds a little calculating, but comedy is my job and if I can’t make my regular rate, I can’t do it, despite how nice it is to see my friends.

What I left out was how great the response was from my friends who showed up to the first show.  It was a fun show for everyone involved.  I had a lot of other people contact me and ask when I would do it again because they couldn’t make the first show. I figured I would wait a year and do another.  I tried to use Facebook to help promote the event. I felt like I was whoring myself out a bit, but since it was a one-shot show I knew I would need to mention it a few times so people would be aware.  From the response I got, I was expecting a pretty good turn-out, which was encouraging.

I drive into Des Moines that afternoon and everything looks promising, as the weather is cold, but the roads were good.  About an hour before showtime, an unexpected blizzard takes over. For the next 2 hours, the weather is crap.  Now, when I’m working a club or a regular one-night show, I get the same pay if it’s packed or no one shows up.  Sure, smaller audiences impact my merchandise sales, but at least I don’t have to sweat the base pay. When you are working off the door, it’s a total crapshoot.

While the title of this story is a little dramatic, a half an hour before the show, there was no one there. And to be completely honest, I totally understood, as the weather sucked shit. Fortunately, we would wind up with about 20 people, who just happened to be a really good group. My opening act, Des Moines’ own Rob Rivera, did a great job kicking off the festivities.  I had a lot of fun on-stage and it was great seeing some people I wished I saw more of.  This is no attack on the people who didn’t make it. I can’t say I would have shown up myself, if I wasn’t the entertainment. Such is the life of standup comedy in the Midwest during the winter.

So the next time I do a gig where I feel like I’m getting taken advantage of, I will have to keep in mind that I do think it generally evens itself out.  Sure there are a few clubs that I don’t perform at because they rip the comics off so badly I don’t want to perpetuate their thievery, but for the most part booking agents, club owners, and comics are all just part of a collective group just trying to pay our bills through live entertainment.  I’m working this week from Wednesday to Saturday, with the weekend shows at a one of my favorite comedy clubs, Goonies in Rochester, Minnesota. I’m looking forward to just showing up and doing what I do best, perform.

(I want to thank again Jason, Allison, and Theresa Brady for all they did in setting up the show at Toad Valley. I also want to thank the brave souls who made it out to the show Friday night. It was the most fun show I’ve ever done for free.:)

Before the show with Rob Rivera