Comedy Nightmares

When I was waiting tables, I used to have dreams about being so much in the weeds I couldn’t get to all my tables.  The craziest version of this was when I was waiting tables at Chi Chi’s Mexican restaurant and was slammed, only to remember that I also was waiting tables at Red Lobster. I remember running out the door and sprinting 2 blocks to Red Lobster to find a very angry customer wondering why they hadn’t been greeted.  It has been 15 years since I’ve waited tables, but I occasionally have a dream where I walk into a restaurant kitchen and wonder why I’m on the schedule for that weekend.  I’m not into dream interpretation, but my guess is that it’s my subconscious still thinking that my job as comedian could go out the window and I should keep my skills sharp during REM sleep.

I’ve had different versions of comedy nightmares. Losing my voice on-stage.  Not being able to get to the gig on time. The one that I have the most, though, is showing up to the gig NAKED. It isn’t often that I remember my dreams, but being at least pant-less before I go on-stage has to be Number 1 in frequency.  No one else is naked, just myself. It doesn’t cause anyone to ask why I’m bare-ass, but I instantly become self-conscious, wondering why I decided to leave the house sans-pants.  Last night I had this dream and for some reason felt my right ass cheek, only to discover that I had an enormous pimple on it.  My rule about leaving the house bare-ass is never do it when you have a nipple on your buttocks.

Happy Holidays.

Ron White and Scott Long Performing in the Same Place

Last Saturday I was performing at the Radisson/Star Plaza Complex outside of Chicago in Merrillville, IN.  The comedy club is located inside the hotel, but the main focus of the complex is the big theater located on the grounds. It seats over 3000 so pretty much every musical act who draws at this level, performs there.  Now for standup, there are maybe 10 acts who draw enough to perform in a room this size. On Saturday, Ron White was on the calendar.

A lot of comics have been very negative about the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.  I’m not one of them.  I’ve felt that Jeff Foxworthy was like the Jerry Seinfeld of the South.  Larry the Cable Guy is a funny character that has a lot of funny one-liners which hit the audience on a base level.  There are plenty of stuff in his act I would love to have.  Ron White has always been my favorite of the Blue Collar guys.  Bill Engvall would be a great act to follow…

I’m friends with Ron’s opening act, the incredibly funny Robert Hawkins, so my feature act this past weekend (Dave Waite) and I sat around the hotel pool during the afternoon shooting the shinola with him. Ron happened to walk-by and we talked comedy stories for awhile.  My best moments with comedians are doing this.  Ron invited us to his tour bus before the show, so we did some more chatting and drinking before the show.

Even though we both standup in front of people and say funny things into a mic, this is where our lives diverge.  I do not have a massive, beautiful tour bus. I do not have a private jet. I was performing to 70 people that night.  Ron was performing to a sold-out show of well-over 3000 people.  I’m not going to pretend that I’m not bitter about some comics success, but I don’t begrudge most because almost everyone who is a big draw brings something very unique to the stage.  Since his show started at 7 and mine didn’t begin until 9, I got a chance to watch his show.  He is the single best storyteller I’ve ever heard.  His timing is pitch-perfect and his material is pretty damned close to as good.  For all you haters, the guy is truly a great comic.

I toured with Frank Caliendo, so I know what it is like to play the type of theaters that Ron White does.  It is a different experience, as stage presence becomes even more important.  You might think you need to be bigger than life in this situation, but in truth, you have to more deliberate since the acoustics are not as good as in a small room.  Unlike a comedy club where a lot of the time people are just there to laugh and have no idea who the comics are, when you open for a big act like Caliendo or White, all the people are there for them.  They are just counting the minutes until the person they shelled big bucks out for hits the stage.  Your goal as the opening act is to be really likable and keep them focused for the 20-30 minutes you are up on-stage.

As I mentioned, my show had about 70 people.  Both nights when I hit the stage, there was no energy in the room.  I went into the audience and tried to bring some kind of church revival feel to them, which kind of worked.  All the black people in the audience were in the back.  I mentioned to them that nearly 50 years ago, Rosa Parks was told she had to sit in the back of the Birmingham Stardome and she said no.  Let’s respect her memory and sit a little closer to the front next time.  As I’ve discovered when I address race and specifically when I’m performing for a mixed audience, the Black people like it and the White people are extremely nervous.  It is my theory that most White people could give a shit about Black people’s opinions on any subject, except when they are at a comedy club.  In this situation, White people strain to see if they are allowed to laugh.  It’s a tightrope that most comics don’t like to explore, but I find it a rush to see how far I can take things.  So far, so good.

I felt pretty awesome that Ron came over and caught some of the end of my show. It wasn’t the perfect situation for me to show-off for him, but he was very kind with his words for me afterward.  We all hit the hotel bar after the show and let me just offer that the whole party-lifestyle Ron White espouses is no facade. The guy is the real deal off and on-stage.  It was a great night.  He makes in a week what I make in a year, but we both are making a living doing something we are passionate about, so maybe our lives aren’t as dissimilar as I originally thought.

New converts of the Scott Long experience.

Comedy Outside Chicago—Rockin’ the Region

Ahh, where to start? So I’m in Merrillville, IN. It’s Northwest Indiana or as many people from the area call The Region.  I like the people from there, but they are pretty tough and don’t want a bunch of quirky jokes. Get to the point and make us laugh.

2 Funny Dudes. Dave Waite and Your Hero.

When I hit the stage, they had already made it abundantly clear that they would not be working as a collective group.  There was a group of younger people who reminded you of the Jersey Shore, if they grew up in Hammond.  Right in the front row there were 3 couples who had already gotten their drink on.  My favorite feature of this group was that all three men had mustaches. You don’t see that too often anymore, unless you are at a Village People reunion tour, but these dudes all seemed like straight shooters. Finally, there was a bachelorette party made up mainly of Puerto Rican girls. Now when the best group you have in a comedy club is a Puerto Rican bachelorette party, you know you have a fight on your hands.

Puerto Rican girls just dying to meet you.

Knowing this I went in alpha dog mode, stalking the stage from the start and not doing any bits that take too long to get into.  It is a little perverse, but I actually enjoy situations like this as it keeps my show tight and has me really selling the shit out of my material.  Show went pretty well.  Audience left happy.  Another show tomorrow night.  I will keep you posted.

Opening act Kyle-dog and MC Suburban Dad

Friends in Michigan

Before the Show with buddy, Chris Hegedus

This blog is generally going to be more about staying next to whores in flea-bag motels because it is just more interesting.  Today, though, I wanted to discuss one of the best things about the job.  The friends you meet.

A question I am often asked is do I work with the same opening act a lot?  Not really. Maybe 5 or 6 weeks a year, I’m able to bring my own my opening act, but generally the booking agent wants to put their own people in.  I get that, as I’ve seen headliners bring shitty opening acts because they are friends, they are dating them, or they want someone who is easy for them to follow.  Last night I was happy to find out that I would be working with my friend, Chris Hegedus.  Chris is a funny guy who I also like a lot as a person.  One warning about Chris is don’t make any jokes about Cleveland because he is the city’s biggest supporter since Drew Carey moved to Plinko-land.  I’m guessing after LeBron made the DECISION, Hegelicious laid down in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, and cried like Mike Schmidt at his retirement speech.  Normally, Chris has his act together, so I recommend you checking out his comedy when you see he’s coming through your hamlet.

Besides comics, sometimes the friends you make are at the club you work at.  Last night I was at the Crazy Horse Saloon, a one-nighter show in Rockford, MI.  It has been one of my favorite one-night shows as the room as their crowds usually are rocking.  A big reason the room was so good was because of its owner, Dennis.  Sadly, last January he passed away.  His daughter has taken over the place and she has a very similar spirit to her Dad, so the Crazy Horse is in capable hands, but Dennis’ absence is still felt.  I love the constant change from night to night of my job, but every once in awhile, it’s great to see friends on the road. Oh and Chris, sure the Cavs aren’t the same, but you have the Indians and Browns, so things could be worse…well, maybe not.

Versatility is My Game

Most weeks I work Thursday through Saturday doing standup.  During football season I’m writing Sunday-Wednesday on the Frank Caliendo sketches for NFL on FOX, so 20 weeks a year I’m working 7 days a week.  When I started in standup, there were plenty of 5 day clubs, but most are 3 or 4 now and those non-weekend nights are generally pretty slow.  The busiest weekday shows I do anymore are generally one-nighters in small cities where you are often the only game in town.

Last week was a rarity, as I started my standup week on a Wednesday and finished on Sunday night.  I won’t go too far into the details as you can read each day to get a feel, but here was last week’s bullet points.

• Wednesday I did a Methodist college in Missouri.  (PG-type show)
• Thursday I did a bar show in a college town in South Dakota. (R-rated show)
• Friday-Saturday I did a comedy club/bar show in Minnesota with the age group being 20-60 and most having a blue collar bent. (Soft R-rated)
• Sunday I performed at a room seating 20 small-town, well-educated people in a bed and breakfast.  (PG-18)

While 50% of my material was the same for each night, the other 50% changed each show and definitely the tone and style I used on-stage was very different. It definitely helps to have been doing this job long enough that you have built up enough material that you can attempt to custom-fit the show that you think your audience will respond best to.  Just as important is being able to change the tone you use, as sometimes being aggressive is what works best, while if you are working a corporate show or a small audience, it’s best to be more conversational.

One of the best questions I get from non-comics is do you change your show depending on the audience? I do.  Having said this, if I had an act that was more TV-friendly, I wouldn’t need to be this versatile, as I would have built my own audience.  Without going completely on the couch, I believe that my desire to kill an audience every night has hurt me overall as a comedian, as I haven’t been willing to create an act that is more defined.  When you write jokes that you know almost everyone will get it keeps you from bombing and it keeps you getting good reports, but it doesn’t appeal to the hipsters that get you on TV.  I’m not knocking these decision-makers, as often a more defined performer is better doing a 5 minute appearance.  Most of my material fits one of 3 things. Pop culture attacks which feature commercial products.  Dark admissions of my past and present.  Sex jokes.  Not exactly the type of stuff that puts you on TV talk shows.  Now you give 45 minutes and I’m confident I will do better than most comedians out there.

What I’m not trying to say is what I do is better or worse than other forms of comedy, I’m just trying to explain where I see myself in the grand scope of standup.  What I do really well is deliver pretty much every night I’m on-stage.  I’d like to claim that I try so hard on-stage because I want to give the audience their money’s worth, but it really comes down to me wanting to walk-off stage getting the adulation I crave.  I can’t tell you that it isn’t as desperate as it sounds, but most who know me realize that I’m actually pretty well-adjusted and less narcissistic than the average comedian. (And this would be proven by me having a blog discussing how I’m less narcissistic than others. I know, not the best example.) It is a crazy notion that you would go up in front of people for an hour and entertain them with just your thoughts and words.  I have no idea who is interested in this or not, but I’m trying here to take the veil a little bit off of what the fly-over country stand-up comic’s life is like.  I promise I will be less meta in tomorrow’s post.

Podcasts

Fans and Friends from Lansing

One of the questions I get the most is Do you fly to most of your gigs? No I do not.  Many weeks I put together a tour that has 3 different cities, so it’s not financially feasible.  Even when I am in just one city, the cost of the flight and rental car doesn’t make it worth it.  I am not afraid of flying, as I do it when I go towards the West Coast, but if I’m within 12 hours I’m driving, as don’t like the stress of the airport.  I also enjoy the solace of my car, listening to my IPod.  I’ve really gotten into podcasts to the point where I recently kicked my satellite radio to the curb.  I had XM or Sirius since the first day they came out with them, but I like the free-form style of podcasts and I think the good ones are more intellectually stimulating than anything I hear anywhere else.  Here are the podcasts I listen to on a regular basis.

• Adam Carolla
• Greg Fitzsimmons (you can hear me with Fitzdog on his podcast from Grand Rapids)
• Marc Maron
• Joe Rogan
• Bill Burr
• The Nerdist (Chris Hardwick)
• Never Not Funny (Jimmy Pardo)
• Comedy and Everything (Jimmy Dore)
• Kevin Pollak
• Bill Simmons (ESPN’s Sports Guy)
• Rich Eisen (NFL network)
• Spider and the Henchman (John Salley and Kevin Hench)
• Freaknomics Radio
• This American Life

I recommend checking them all out, but especially Carolla, Fitzdog, Maron, Simmons, and of course the amazing This American Life. Rogan’s podcast is an intellectual mind trip, but you have to be able to commit 2 to 3 hours, as his shows go on a long time.  My friend, Chicago Comedian Scott King, interviewed me for his podcast (Class Act Comedy) when we worked together at Riddles in Chicago.  Hit this link if you would like to check it out.

Is it Me, or do we look like some alt.rock band?

Comedy at a Bed and Breakfast

On-stage with Michael Callahan

My friend, comic Michael Callahan, has been wanting to get me into a room he put together in the small Minnesota town he lives in.  (1 hour south of Twin Cities)  Since I was doing comedy in the state, we were able to work it out for me to perform on Sunday night.  I’m glad I did.

The set-up was a room in a bed and breakfast that he had built a small stage and set up theatre seating in.  Hard to picture, but let me say it was one of the most unique settings I’ve ever performed in.  Since it is such a confined space, 20 people in the audience feels like 100.  Had a lot of fun and it afforded me the opportunity to do a story I had written which was inspired by some children stories my buddy Dan Cummins has written.  I will post the video up here soon of my book reading.

I have performed in huge theatres, state prisons, strip clubs, and many other strange settings, which is something I’ve come to embrace with my job.  Some comedians treat the business with snobbery, believing they can only function in a comedy club setting.  I like the variety. My show for Michael Callahan at his Firefly Club in St. Peter, MN is an example of one of those nights I will never forget.

Final Note: My favorite line of the night. I mentioned that after the show, I would be in the living room selling my merchandise. Doubtful many comics have uttered this phrase before.

Comedy in Minnesota

Hanging with my opening act, Ben San Del.

This site is set-up as much as anything to celebrate doing comedy in the Midwest.  When people ask me my favorite states to do comedy in, I always mention Wisconsin and Michigan, as I love the audiences there.  These states have people who are smart, looking to have a good time, and generally half in the bag when they come to the show. The one state in the Midwest that has different audiences than any other is Minnesota.

I was in Sauk Rapids (St. Cloud area) last night and it was kind of a typical Minnesota comedy audience. Low-energy. Now don’t get me wrong, Minnesota citizens love comedy and support it really well, but they are genetically predisposed not to be boisterous in anyway.  My theory is that the Scandinavian/Lutheran culture is to be reserved, so don’t record your comedy CD in Minnesota.  My great example of this was a show I did in St. Cloud a few years back.  So I’m greeting the people after the show when one audience member comes up to me and says this.

Hey Buddy, pretty good show. Funniest comedy I’ve ever heard. I responded back that how could it be the funniest comedy you’ve ever heard, BUT ONLY BE PRETTY GOOD? COME ON MAN, GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE THAN PRETTY GOOD.  His response was that I had a fair point. Then he walked away because he sensed from my passionate behavior this conversation could have some conflict in it.

If you think I’m creating something without basis, I would like to offer up my expert witness. Ken Arneson is a friend of mine who used to run the Baseball Toaster site that I was part of.  Really, really smart guy.  (2 really’s are off-the-charts smarts on my scale.)  So when Ken initially read this post, he sent this comment to me that I am adding here.  Ken lived in Sweden for a time. Ken writes:

Ha, funny how sticky the old country’s culture can be even generations after the immigrant wave. In Sweden, the cultural ideal is “Lagom” which is word that means roughly “not too much but not too little.”. So “pretty good” is the ultimate compliment, but “outstanding” is an insult, because standing out is not “lagom”. And if you happen to stand out instead of being blandly good, you better be humble, dismissive, and apologetic about it. Unless, of course, you were drunk at the time, in which case your standing out is forgiven. My cousin says, “We Swedes drink just to become how Americans are normally.”

For those of you that know me, I was not humble about it and I rarely drink, so I don’t have that one to fall back on.  Now I should throw-in a little background about myself. I grew up in Iowa, which would never be confused with New Jersey for people constantly speaking their minds and embracing argument.  Even though I am more East Coast in my behavior than Midwest, I don’t like to be around a lot of people like me as it makes me feel uncomfortable. (Yes, I realize I am saying that people like myself annoy the shit out of me.  And yes, I do know that therapy would help me greatly.) The only cousins I have are from Minnesota and I like them a lot.  I mention these things not to rip on Minnesota, only to try to explain how the state is different than others when it comes to comedy audiences.

So as I wrote earlier, last night’s crowd in Sauk Rapids was very low-energy. Most comics take that in mind and just do their show realizing that the volume of laughter will be less. I have some kind of defect that can’t accept this so I go extra-hard in this situation, believing I can inject my energy into them.  I yell, I walk off-stage into the crowd, I ask lots of questions hoping to bring them out of this state, I might even lay down on the stage and discuss the incoming nervous breakdown that they are causing me. At one point last night I sat down at one table and drank some beer right out of couple stunned guys pitcher.  I am aware that by doing this I’m acting like a 5 year-old who constantly is saying Watch Me. What can I say in my defense except that I obviously have major issues which are the reason I am such an attention whore that I have decided to make my living asking people to love me through their laughter.

Now not all Minnesota shows are like this but I feel comfortable saying at least 50% are.  Outside of Wisconsin it is the state I’ve performed the most in so I know the reports I get back from the clubs/one-nighters are really good.  Even though I grew up only 150 miles from its border, I think the good people of Minnesota see me as kind of an alien.  For some an alien that is pretty good, funniest comedy they’ve seen.

College Gig Night 3: The Worst Show of My Career

What's Your Problem, UWM?

I feel like this blog (so far) has made me seem a little too invincible. I’ve had so many good shows lately I thought it was time to bring up my worst.

About a decade ago, I was contacted by my good friend, Frank Caliendo (name dropper), to open for him at an orientation kickoff for new students of the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.  Frank is a grad of UWM, so that made him even more of a big deal at this function. I felt really honored that he asked me to do this event, as it was a homecoming for him.

I was set to do 20-25 minutes, which I felt pretty comfortable with. One thing that made it more of a challenge was that it wasn’t just college students, but orientation college students. This meant that the ages of the kids there were 17 or 18.  Not exactly the best age to do standup comedy for, but I was excited to perform for over 1000 people in the auditorium.

Right before I hit the stage, our University contact mentioned, Have fun and make sure not to discuss anything sexual or anything about drinking or drugs. Time for the panic to sit-in.  Try to remember what your main interests were when you were a teenager. Yeah, I was basically left holding a spork at a knife fight.

One thing you learn early on at my job is that to be a successful standup you need to have confidence you are going to do well, no matter how delusional it might be.  So I hit the stage with the attitude that I was only going to be up there for 25 minutes, how bad could it go. Really bad would be the answer.

I would like to say I started off well and then it began to go downhill, but there was never a moment when I did well. It’s one thing to bomb at a comedy club, but to eat shit in front of a 1000 people brings a special brand of flop sweat.  Remember how you felt when you did a speech in front of your class that didn’t go well? Try doing it for 25 minutes in front of 1000 teenagers who are hating you more and more as time slowly creeps by.  I resembled a boxer who keeps getting knocked to the canvas.  I’m sure there were many that wished I would just stay down and throw-in the towel, but I’m stubborn that way. Like a desperate fighter, at the end I threw a last gasp punch mentioning that all the guys there had something in common with me.  We both can’t wait for the Olson Twins to become legal. (I think they were 16 at the time) That did get a few laughs, but at the expense of me going from not funny to being the really creepy old dude.

I walked off the stage feeling like the victim of a Bukkake gangbang.  Frank went up there and as he always does, killed with the audience.  What kind of a friend is that? He could have done his Jonathon Winters and Richard Dreyfuss impressions, but no, he did all the impressions they wanted to hear.:)  For years after this, the UWM gig was all Frank had to do bring me back to size, whenever I killed an audience in front of him. I’ve had 1000′s of good shows, but it’s the few like this UWM gig that I always remember.  These shows make you really appreciate the good ones.

College Gig Night 2: Rocking South Dakota

 

Her Mantra Was I've Got 4 Kids and No Stretch Marks

One of my favorite shows of 2010 was tonight in Brookings, South Dakota. Home to South Dakota State, the gig there is always good but tonight there was a great energy.  One of the best feelings you can have as a comedian is when you can feel the audience having a hard time catching their breath because they are laughing so hard.  One of the important elements to doing well with a crowd is having a good opening act who sets the room up and my friend Tom Steffen from the Twin Cities is one of my favorites. You should check out his stuff like this bit on Scottish accents.

What I will remember most is this very petite young woman in the front row who brought up on her own that she had 4 children and no stretch marks.  It was pretty hard to believe that she could have 4 children, especially since she looked like she was about 18.  After the show she wanted to take a photo of me with her, which I did, though considering how fertile she is I did my best to not even sneeze in her vicinity.

It was Veterans Day today and I met a guy who was just back from overseas after the show.  It’s very rewarding when a young guy like him tells you how much he loves your show, because no matter how much heckler shrapnel you take, it is nothing like the life or death world that many young people have faced for a nearly a decade now.

Celebrating Veterans Day

One of my new bits is about defending pornography. In the routine I discuss how I open up my Porn Machine or what many call their Laptop.  I’ve started selling Porn Machine Bumper Stickers to slap on your laptop or car bumper. These young women are modeling my newest item and I didn’t want to come off as a misogynist so I joined in.  Did you have as much at your job as I did last night? I’ve been on a really fun streak of successful gigs so I know something bad is coming around the corner. Such is life for someone as neurotic as myself.

 

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